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   Deadspin provides helpful hints to avoid listening to Joe Buck during the World Series. If only they could tell me how to keep his pee out of my shoes

30 Oct 2010 06:47 AM   |   1476 clicks   |   Deadspin
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NakedReporta     
Joe Buck Pissed In My Shoes
a short narrative by NakedReporta

Back when I was 11 and living in St. Louis, my parents decided I was too smart to be wasting my time in public schools and started seeking out private schools. The choice was eventually narrowed to two: John Burroughs and Country Day. I took the admittance test for each, but a kid I really hated from the public school I had attended was also trying to get into Burroughs, so I tanked that test.

Come fall, I was a seventh-grader at St. Louis Country Day School (known as CODASCO for short), whose famous alums include Vincent Price and John Danforth. And so began a year of sheer living hell. Most of the kids at CODASCO came from monied families, while I was this socially inept middle-class kid who wore the same Sears-bought suit every day. I was an immediate target.

One of my classmates was Joe Buck, the son of legendary Cardinals announcer Jack Buck. Joe was kind of a big, fat kid, but he had all the airs of social entitlement. Typical of the kind of stupid crap Buck would pull on me was to ask me if I "knew" my mother or to mock my attire. On more than one occasion, he was one of the ringleaders as five or six kids would decide to simultaneously throttle me.

But the final indignity came on a spring afternoon when we had gym class. We all changed into our standard-issue t-shirts and shorts and trotted out to the baseball field. All, that is, except Joe Buck, who bolted out of the locker room about a minute behind the rest. And when gym period was over, and we returned to the locker room, there were my Docksides-knockoff loafers, filled with the acrid stench of urine. Buck denied it, and the gym teacher didn't really give a shiat.

I had to wear my gym sneakers the rest of the day, then tearfully explain to my parents what had happened. They decided to press the issue, and it culminated in Joe and his mom and my mother and I all meeting with the headmaster. Joe denied it, I couldn't prove it, and the headmaster made us shake hands. I knew the remaining months were only going to be worse. The group beatings and mockery intensified. I barely passed my way through the seventh grade, and the next year I was back in public school. The torment continued -- hey, I was a real dork -- but at least it was free.

Look, kids can do cruel things. Joe was looking to be one of the guys, and I was an easy mark. He couldn't have any idea that my home life was simultaneously crumbling, and that what could have been a respite (time in school, away from home) was instead just compounding my nightmare. I suppose I should forgive the guy. But I can't.

I've managed to slog through a pretty respectable career as a writer. Joe, with his family ties and -- even I have to admit -- considerable talent, is the voice of FOX Sports. And every time I watch a marquee sporting event on FOX, I can't help but pause and reflect that, all those many years ago, that prick pissed in my shoes.

30 Oct 2010 12:12 AM
UNAUTHORIZED FINGER     
If I ever see him, I'll give him a nad-punch for ya, NakedReporta.

/the Raiders rock my world

30 Oct 2010 12:32 AM
Cyberluddite    [TotalFark]  
NakedReporta: I've managed to slog through a pretty respectable career as a writer. Joe, with his family ties and -- even I have to admit -- considerable talent, is the voice of FOX Sports.

Your story was fascinating and I was right with you until that statement. I realize you're trying to be gracious, but let's face facts: Joe Buck, unlike his old man, has zero talent and is a cancer on the game of baseball. I hate the motherfarker--not because he pissed in your shoes, but because he pisses on the world's greatest sport every time we're forced to listen to the little prick.

30 Oct 2010 12:53 AM
NakedReporta     
NakedReporta: considerable talent

I wrote that several years back for a FARK post. The graciousness that you speak of ended, oh, about two seconds after this. Worst. Call. Ever.

Personal feelings aside, though, he does have talent. Being Jack Buck's son certainly helped him in reaching a national stage, but if his name had been Bob Smith, he probably could've carved out a decent career for himself, albeit perhaps a less high-profile one.

Then again, I can also recognize that the Jonas Brothers have talent, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to them either.

30 Oct 2010 01:23 AM
munchkinette     
The games would be much better if they got Krukow and Kuiper to do the Giants home games, and the Rangers' normal sportscasters to do their home games. All the national network guys suck.

30 Oct 2010 01:26 AM
NakedReporta     
BTW, I see where funk_soul_bubby pulled out the old chestnut for a baseball thread a couple weeks back. Cheers, mate.

30 Oct 2010 01:36 AM
HaywoodJablonski     
www.uxmatters.comView Full Size

30 Oct 2010 05:10 AM
UNAUTHORIZED FINGER     
NakedReporta: BTW, I see where funk_soul_bubby pulled out the old chestnut for a baseball thread a couple weeks back. Cheers, mate.


It's a playoff tradition.

/the Raiders rock my world

30 Oct 2010 06:52 AM
Zombie Hitler     
Cablevision already took care of this for me.

30 Oct 2010 07:16 AM
Orgasmatron138     
They need to digitize Vin Scully so he can do every game.

30 Oct 2010 09:31 AM
Dust    [TotalFark]  
Pee-filled shoes aside, Tim McCarver is the real problem here.

30 Oct 2010 10:55 AM
Bonanza Jellybean     
I get a hitch in the sound every time they switch to the center field camera from any other angle. This has been happeneing in every playoff game on Fox. The crowd noise is also way too loud, which happens in every NFL game on Fox as well. Anybody else notice this, or am I crazy?

30 Oct 2010 01:08 PM
mjoven1975     
I wonder if FOX will start today's game with the NFL on FOX theme music again. Do they think if they play that music that we won't notice that they're airing a baseball game?

30 Oct 2010 02:21 PM
the biggest redneck here     
Bonanza Jellybean: I get a hitch in the sound every time they switch to the center field camera from any other angle. This has been happeneing in every playoff game on Fox. The crowd noise is also way too loud, which happens in every NFL game on Fox as well. Anybody else notice this, or am I crazy?

They do the same shiat for NASCAR, only worse.

30 Oct 2010 02:42 PM
Chulainn     
In a lot of 5.1 surround set-ups, if you unplug the center channel, you still get game/crowd noise, but the announcers disappear. Sometimes it's an improvment.

30 Oct 2010 04:08 PM
Why Would I Read the Article     
NakedReporta: Personal feelings aside, though, he does have talent.

No, he doesn't. He's beyond awful.

30 Oct 2010 04:56 PM
John Buck 41    [TotalFark]  
How is not having to listen to McCarver but tuning into Joe Morgan an improvement?

30 Oct 2010 08:00 PM
Igor Jakovsky     
NakedReporta

That still might be my favorite story that I've read on Fark.

30 Oct 2010 09:41 PM
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