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   The scientific reason why your wife won't sleep with you

01 Apr 2012 12:24 PM   |   23611 clicks   |   Mother Nature Network
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Dr.Fey    [TotalFark]  
The fact that I buried her four feet beneath my new woodshed is science?

01 Apr 2012 11:09 AM
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ManateeGag    [TotalFark]  
because she's sleeping with me.

01 Apr 2012 12:21 PM
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GORDON     

ManateeGag: because she's sleeping with me.


Came to say that. There is also a statistically relevant chance, if you are reading this, that I am also sleeping with your mom.

01 Apr 2012 12:28 PM
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The Gordie Howe Hat Trick     
She's all up at the mall, shoppin'...

01 Apr 2012 12:28 PM
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PvtHike     

GORDON: ManateeGag: because she's sleeping with me.

Came to say that. There is also a statistically relevant chance, if you are reading this, that I am also sleeping with your mom.


But mine's dead. And dude, that's sick.

01 Apr 2012 12:29 PM
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JasonOfOrillia    [TotalFark]  
Because, Dude, you got fat.

01 Apr 2012 12:31 PM
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Breathe Laugh Twitch     
No mention of what happens when the woman figures out how much of the man's projected image is phony?

Whenever I hear a man complaining about his "ice queen" wife, I think to myself "So you baited and switched her into a relationship, how's that working out for you?"

01 Apr 2012 12:32 PM
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JesusJuice     
I've got a buddy who's wife wouldn't sleep with him for a year and a half. He told her if things didn't change, he'd get sex from someone else. She screamed and a rights cried and threatened divorce, but things didn't change. He followed through. She screamed and cried and threatened divorce, but things changed.

01 Apr 2012 12:33 PM
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theteacher     
What if I'm the wife and my wife's my wife?

01 Apr 2012 12:36 PM
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bacchanalias and consequences     

ManateeGag: because she's sleeping with me.


GORDON: ManateeGag: because she's sleeping with me.

Came to say that. There is also a statistically relevant chance, if you are reading this, that I am also sleeping with your mom.


Check and check.

And I can account for all the sisters, of-age daughters and female cousins.

Nice work, guys.

01 Apr 2012 12:37 PM
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bukketmaster     
"She's a biatch who already has you under contract" conspicuously absent.

01 Apr 2012 12:38 PM
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bacchanalias and consequences     

theteacher: What if I'm the wife and my wife's my wife?


I can only assume you're sensuously appreciating each others' femininity to over-produced late-70s funk around the clock.

/saw it on the internet.
//would rather be happy than right.
///how do you have the energy to work?

01 Apr 2012 12:43 PM
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Smeggy Smurf     
It must suck not being married to a nympho

01 Apr 2012 12:43 PM
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GORDON     

PvtHike: GORDON: ManateeGag: because she's sleeping with me.

Came to say that. There is also a statistically relevant chance, if you are reading this, that I am also sleeping with your mom.

But mine's dead. And dude, that's sick.


That must be why she doesn't move around much.

01 Apr 2012 12:44 PM
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Cubicle Jockey     

bukketmaster: "She's a biatch who already has you under contract" conspicuously absent.


The people in the study weren't married for the most part (170 undergraduate women and men who had been in heterosexual relationships for anywhere from one month to nine years).
Subby just extrapolated from there.

01 Apr 2012 12:45 PM
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bim1154     
Just because subby has a wee little pecker doesn't mean he has to drag the rest of us into his misery.

01 Apr 2012 12:46 PM
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Vanis     

GORDON: PvtHike: GORDON: ManateeGag: because she's sleeping with me.

Came to say that. There is also a statistically relevant chance, if you are reading this, that I am also sleeping with your mom.

But mine's dead. And dude, that's sick.

That must be why she doesn't move around much.


Protip: A car battery and some jumper cables can solve that problem.

01 Apr 2012 12:47 PM
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mcmnky    [TotalFark]  
Tl;dr:
The same reason companies have all those great deals for new customers but have nothing but shiat for existing customers.

01 Apr 2012 12:50 PM
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epijunkie67     
Well thank God for that article. And here I thought it was because of the 20 pounds I gained and my inept technique in bed.

01 Apr 2012 12:51 PM
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ThePastafarian     

JasonOfOrillia: Because, Dude, you got fat.


Hey! She got fat too!

I mean... oh.

/I sound fat.

01 Apr 2012 12:53 PM
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LeroyBourne     
Go with the nympho every time.

01 Apr 2012 12:57 PM
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Agent Smiths Laugh     

Breathe Laugh Twitch: No mention of what happens when the woman figures out how much of the man's projected image is phony?

Whenever I hear a man complaining about his "ice queen" wife, I think to myself "So you baited and switched her into a relationship, how's that working out for you?"


Are you saying women never pull that stunt?

Also, this hedonistic study will destroy the holy, sanctified institution of marriage and must be stopped!

01 Apr 2012 12:57 PM
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Cubicle Jockey     

epijunkie67: And here I thought it was because of the 20 pounds I gained and my inept technique in bed.


While possibly the latter may be responsible, studies show women gain more weight after marriage then men do. And from the article, men don't seem to care, as their sexual desire remains unchanged. However, as noted before, the number of married undergraduates in the study was not revealed in the news blurb.


Article from five months ago (new window)

01 Apr 2012 12:57 PM
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bukketmaster     

Cubicle Jockey: bukketmaster: "She's a biatch who already has you under contract" conspicuously absent.

The people in the study weren't married for the most part (170 undergraduate women and men who had been in heterosexual relationships for anywhere from one month to nine years).
Subby just extrapolated from there.


Great, now I have to re-write my thesis.

But seriously,knowing this is prevalent among non-married couples as well doesn't make it less depressing.

01 Apr 2012 12:58 PM
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xen0blue     
"migraines". always "migraines"

01 Apr 2012 12:58 PM
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Agent Smiths Laugh     

bim1154: Just because subby has a wee little pecker doesn't mean he has to drag the rest of us into his misery.


Dude, you're projecting again. Didn't your shrink talk with you about that?

01 Apr 2012 12:59 PM
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i.r.id10t     
We've got 3 kids, 11, 8, and 14 months.... who the heck has time or energy ?

01 Apr 2012 01:01 PM
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cherryl taggart     
But, I do sleep with him. May be all that I do with him, but still . . .

01 Apr 2012 01:02 PM
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notalwaysright     

bim1154: Just because subby has a wee little pecker doesn't mean he has to drag the rest of us into his misery.


This subby is a girl, so no pecker at all.

/yaayyyy first greenlight

01 Apr 2012 01:08 PM
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Gurrker     
Wives resemble Pacific salmon...they spawn and they are done.

01 Apr 2012 01:09 PM
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JBangworthy     

Breathe Laugh Twitch: No mention of what happens when the woman figures out how much of the man's projected image is phony?

Whenever I hear a man complaining about his "ice queen" wife, I think to myself "So you baited and switched her into a relationship, how's that working out for you?"


Sounds like you got Punk'd a time or two.

01 Apr 2012 01:11 PM
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UsikFark    [TotalFark]  

notalwaysright: This subby is a girl, so no pecker at all.


You might get offers of pecker administration with a comment like that.

01 Apr 2012 01:11 PM
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Aracnix     
Because she's getting oder and no onger has the body of a twenty year od despite your many insistence that you do?

Because she's ridden that ride aready and you haven't had anything new to bring to the party in five years?

Because sex isn't the foundation of a ong term reationship, nor shoud it be?

Because she's getting better from the neighbor's coege grad?

01 Apr 2012 01:12 PM
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JBangworthy     

JesusJuice: I've got a buddy who's wife wouldn't sleep with him for a year and a half. He told her if things didn't change, he'd get sex from someone else. She screamed and a rights cried and threatened divorce, but things didn't change. He followed through. She screamed and cried and threatened divorce, but things changed.



Your buddy acted properly. Except he should have just gotten the divorce.

01 Apr 2012 01:13 PM
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Britney Spear's Speculum     
Lets see, contract? Check. Kids? Check. Looks like the thread already covered what I was going to say.

01 Apr 2012 01:14 PM
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Aracnix     

Aracnix: Because she's getting oder and no onger has the body of a twenty year od despite your many insistence that you do?

Because she's ridden that ride aready and you haven't had anything new to bring to the party in five years?

Because sex isn't the foundation of a ong term reationship, nor shoud it be?

Because she's getting better from the neighbor's coege grad?


Wired. It's Christmas in my post...


/noel

01 Apr 2012 01:16 PM
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speciaal     

Aracnix: Because she's getting oder and no onger has the body of a twenty year od despite your many insistence that you do?

Because she's ridden that ride aready and you haven't had anything new to bring to the party in five years?

Because sex isn't the foundation of a ong term reationship, nor shoud it be?

Because she's getting better from the neighbor's coege grad?


Did you forget to pick up some "L"'s at the store?

01 Apr 2012 01:18 PM
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peasants_are_revolting     

JesusJuice: I've got a buddy who's wife wouldn't sleep with him for a year and a half. He told her if things didn't change, he'd get sex from someone else. She screamed and a rights cried and threatened divorce, but things didn't change. He followed through. She screamed and cried and threatened divorce, but things changed.


Damn straight. It's why you shouldn't stay in a relationship longer than a few months. You don't have to go through all the hand-wringing of trying to figure out why things cooled off. Was it biology? Hormones? Emotional problems?

Who gives a shiat! You're already on to the next one!

01 Apr 2012 01:22 PM
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Cubicle Jockey     

Britney Spear's Speculum: Lets see, contract? Check. Kids? Check. Looks like the thread already covered what I was going to say.


Again, the study was of 170 college undergraduates. What percentage of those are married and with kids?

01 Apr 2012 01:23 PM
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dababler     
Odd, as a gay man I've noticed this too.

#top.

I am still (mildly) interested in sex with other people though...

01 Apr 2012 01:25 PM
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Thisbymaster     
Well I thought it was more telling when I threw out the last of the condoms that expired in 09.

01 Apr 2012 01:39 PM
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The Gordie Howe Hat Trick     

JBangworthy: JesusJuice: I've got a buddy who's wife wouldn't sleep with him for a year and a half. He told her if things didn't change, he'd get sex from someone else. She screamed and a rights cried and threatened divorce, but things didn't change. He followed through. She screamed and cried and threatened divorce, but things changed.


Your buddy acted properly. Except he should have just gotten the divorce.


Right. He should move out of the house he bought from working 25 days a month, pay child support, pay alimony, and see his kids twice a month because she can't be bothered to have sex with her husband once in awhile.

Makes perfect sense.

01 Apr 2012 01:57 PM
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oukewldave     

Thisbymaster: Well I thought it was more telling when I threw out the last of the condoms that expired in 09.


Hey, at least you thought you had a reason to get them, even if just wishful thinking! I don't even have that to go with.

01 Apr 2012 01:59 PM
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dragonchild     

speciaal: Did you forget to pick up some "L"'s at the store?


Annual Fark 4/1 tradition.

01 Apr 2012 02:00 PM
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Gergesa     
I recall reading an article related to this that went over the sex drives of men and women. Men's sex drives were pretty much constant and men were willing to have sex whenever. Women it was found had a sex drive that was more finicky and dependent on the environment. The article noted that gay men were having sex at a greater frequency than lesbian women.

01 Apr 2012 02:01 PM
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Wittenberg Dropout     

Smeggy Smurf: It must suck not being married to a nympho


No need to buy the milk from a nympho, sucker.

01 Apr 2012 02:02 PM
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Benevolent Misanthrope    [TotalFark]  
"Because you assumed her commitment was the signal that you'd finally gotten a lifetime subscription to sex and therefore stopped trying" and "Because she stopped trying to buy you with sex once you committed" strangely absent.

01 Apr 2012 02:07 PM
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sharkbeagle     
Because only want to GET married not BE married.

01 Apr 2012 02:09 PM
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Fark_Guy_Rob     
In my experience - most people fail pretty hard at everything.

Most guys are crappy husbands.
Most women are crappy wives.
Most marriages are crappy, as a result of being made up of people who are pretty crappy at being in a marriage.

01 Apr 2012 02:19 PM
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lookandsee     

The Gordie Howe Hat Trick: JBangworthy: JesusJuice: I've got a buddy who's wife wouldn't sleep with him for a year and a half. He told her if things didn't change, he'd get sex from someone else. She screamed and a rights cried and threatened divorce, but things didn't change. He followed through. She screamed and cried and threatened divorce, but things changed.


Your buddy acted properly. Except he should have just gotten the divorce.

Right. He should move out of the house he bought from working 25 days a month, pay child support, pay alimony, and see his kids twice a month because she can't be bothered to have sex with her husband once in awhile.

Makes perfect sense.


And the alternative?

01 Apr 2012 02:35 PM
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