Tell them it's from masturbating.

Tell them you developed an allergy to your dick so the rash is likely permanent.

Tell them you have poison ivy and then pretend to touch their things.

In fact, just go ahead and rub your hands all over everyone's keyboards.

Schistosomiasis

AIDS.

Don't tell them anything. They already assume you've just been beating off with a vengeance.

Tell them the hooker you thought was dead and were trying to bury, bit you. So now you think you've got super-powers.

Brazilian Hand Herpes.

AbbeySomeone: Tell them it's from masturbating.

Funny thing. I have a friend who back in college went hiking and somewhere along the way must've rubbed against some poison ivy plants. Well, at the time his girlfriend was out of town, and so he was left with taking care of himself, so to speak.

Turns out getting poison ivy on your junk is hilarious when it happens to someone else.

Ponzholio: Tell them the hooker you thought was dead and were trying to bury, bit you. So now you think you've got super-powers.

I'd say I tried to disfigure the hooker with acid and there was some splashback.

I am not allergic to poison ivy and was born without tonsils.

I believe I am the next evolution of humans.

Well that was a fast green.

Green? M'kay then.

Tell them you were the recipient of a double-hand transplant from a zitty teenager.

Tell them it's just a fever blister

Definitely happened when you decided to sit on your thumb for the entirety of the day.

Some sort of weird reaction to a lube you've never used before. Don't go into anymore detail than that, let your coworkers fill the rest in.

Tell them you've got the Plague and that the rash is the buboes symptomatic of the plague.

Tell them it's poison ivy, and stay the f**k home, you stupid asshole.

Some people are allergic to that and it leaves pus-streaming open sores.

Aarontology: Tell them you have poison ivy and then pretend to touch their things.

In fact, just go ahead and rub your hands all over everyone's keyboards.

Technically, as long as the original oils were washed off after exposure, the pus from the sores is not "contagious" and won't cause poison ivy to spread.

But since most people don't know that, this is still a funny idea.

What Poison Ivy might look like:

Was somebody trying to make poison ivy tea, again?

TheSignPost: Tell them it's poison ivy, and stay the f**k home, you stupid asshole.

Some people are allergic to that and it leaves pus-streaming open sores.

ewww

myschief: What Poison Ivy might look like:

[upload.wikimedia.org image 220x356]

I bet you'd got poison ivy on your hands if you gave her a good ol' fingerblastin'...

tell them you're the goddamn batman.

Tell them you had a machismo episode with a deep-frying on the weekend and mannishly retrieved your fries with your bare f**kin' hands, bro!

Haha you got joreed!!

Half Right: Technically, as long as the original oils were washed off after exposure, the pus from the sores is not "contagious" and won't cause poison ivy to spread.

Or maybe subby could hand out print outs with that information on them, and see how many people actually take one.

GooberMcFly: AIDS.

Poison AIDS

Tell them its from staining your deck by hand with a toothbrush and a qtip

Rubella

Monkey Pox. Make sure you call your local hospital about it, too.

Tell them that your hands have been modified for for her pleasure and wink at them.

Just tell everybody you spent the weekend high fiving people.

Green! F*ck yes.

Tell your coworkers the doc doesn't know what it is but you wanted to come into work. Then cough just a little.

Measles. Make all of the antivaxers squirm a bit.

Adjective Bird Whiskey: Just tell everybody you spent the weekend high fiving people leprosy victims.

Tell them you've caught a Ophiostoma novo-ulmi infection.

Which, I believe is "Dutch Elm disease".

i used to get poison ivy so bad playing in the woods as a kid, i'd have it in my trachea. hate that shiat so much.

*hello?*

*Hi, this is Dan's wife, he can't come in today"

"Why is that, is he ok?"

"Yes, but he has a severe case of poison ivy"

"wut? He can't come in because he has poison ivy?"

"Yes, but it's on his privates"

"Unless he's using that part of his anatomy to bust suds, he needs to come in..... on second thought, take as long as he needs"

/yes, a dishwasher had his wife call in sick for him because, in his exact words.... "I got poison ivy on my balls" (and he sounded like Foghorn Leghorn)

Tell them it's sarcoidosis.

IT WAS BEET JUICE

Tell them that you used some leaves to wipe in the woods and "if you think my hand looks bad....."

Fistusitis.

Tell them your hand got socialism.

Tell them you got a braille tattoo.

Lupus

Tell them you're not sure what it is but you think you got it from the goat.

oldfarthenry: Adjective Bird Whiskey: Just tell everybody you spent the weekend high fiving people leprosy victims.

Problem is, you can only high-five a leper once.

CoolBeans: oldfarthenry: Adjective Bird Whiskey: Just tell everybody you spent the weekend high fiving people leprosy victims.

Problem is, you can only high-five a leper once.

**spit**