#45. The Puerto Rican midget clowns with branding irons like rolling in thousand island, not ranch dressing

6. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

What's wrong with this??

"Would you like crushed nuts with that?"

The Stealth Hippopotamus: 6. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

What's wrong with this??

That the number is rather low seeming?

"As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'"

I really hope you leave the steak knife here.

Sample just-the-tip.

exick: The Stealth Hippopotamus: 6. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

What's wrong with this??

That the number is rather low seeming?

Yea, I was thinking it should be closer to 100%. And not just when he walks through the door, but pretty much any time.

The Stealth Hippopotamus: 6. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

What's wrong with this??

Um, they don't fantasize that the girl has a drink ready as well?

Wait, "geek"?

45) Find your favorite handjob vid -- a nice oily one where she's using two hands -- and show it to your girlfriend. Ta-daaaa.

"Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."

What the FARK is this nonsense?

22. "Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best - its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!!?

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: #45. The Puerto Rican midget clowns with branding irons like rolling in thousand island, not ranch dressing

#37. The term "blow job" isn't a technical one, do not inflate the penis and/or bladder.

Someone should catalog every tip that's been published by this magazine and filter out duplicates. We would still have 5000 tips that women need to know!

DamnYankees: "Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."

[4.bp.blogspot.com image 640x512]

Cosmopolitan's editors: Super Trolls. I can actually respect that if they're just doing it to be malicious.

There was a similar Cracked article awhile back, and yeah...I can't even stand to WATCH most of these done, letalone be an active participant. But perhaps I've said too much...or too little...

PainInTheASP:
Um, they don't fantasize that the girl has a drink ready as well?

And with that one addition you have included the missing 56%.

Hmmmm, I wonder if my wife oulw get the hint if I sent this thread to her?

/probably not and my honeydo list gain a few lines just for my troubles.

wingedkat: Wait, "geek"?

That's what I was thinking. It should be posted under Entertainment.

clearly they have been watching THIS (NSFW) enjoy farkers.

The only thing you need to know ladies, is lay down and spread 'em. That is all.

Who among us hasn't had an HJ where the girl was apparently trying to give an "indian burn" on your peen?

Also, only 34% for a surprise BJ!?!? What the hell? That should be more like 99.9%.

TDBoedy: clearly they have been watching THIS (NSFW) enjoy farkers.

Oh, Holy Fark. That is just SOOOOOOOOO wrong.

Welcome to the favs list,...

#147. A 12 lb sledge hammer can be used during foreplay. We will leave how it's used up to you.

10. "As you're going down on him, shake your head from side to side, letting your tongue follow the same pattern on the extra sensitive underside of his penis."

First thing that came to mind? Teeth. Second thing? Pain.

The Stealth Hippopotamus: 6. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

What's wrong with this??

I have absolutely no problem with 6 through 11.

minoridiot: exick: The Stealth Hippopotamus: 6. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

What's wrong with this??

That the number is rather low seeming?

Yea, I was thinking it should be closer to 100%. And not just when he walks through the door, but pretty much any time.

I'd rather have dinner and a Scotch ready myself. I just want to eat and unwind when I get home.

Am I the only guy that enjoys a light application of teeth during a BJ? (just for a few strokes?)

38 to 42 are batshiat insane.

bearcats1983: Who among us hasn't had an HJ where the girl was apparently trying to give an "indian burn" on your peen?

Also, only 34% for a surprise BJ!?!? What the hell? That should be more like 99.9%.

A buddy of mine told me - and his wife independently verified - that he doesn't like getting a beej. As someone who just added a new girl to that particular list over the weekend (*flexes*), I have to say that Barry is insane.

// new girl is...enthusiastic
// slept with that buddy's wife back in college, so I knew already
// she also doesn't like getting head
// Odd Couple, indeed

If #1 could have been 'Be present when he ejaculates then let him sleep' the list would have been complete. Or throw in a #2 'Any extra effort on your part outside of being there is always a plus'

bearcats1983: Who among us hasn't had an HJ where the girl was apparently trying to give an "indian burn" on your peen?

and/or the girl was operating under the mistaken impression that if she pulled hard enough it would detach and she could take it home as a souvenir.

Also, only 34% for a surprise BJ!?!? What the hell? That should be more like 99.9%.

Maybe the other 66% want it as the routine greeting, not a surprise.

Corvus: minoridiot: exick: The Stealth Hippopotamus: 6. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

What's wrong with this??

That the number is rather low seeming?

Yea, I was thinking it should be closer to 100%. And not just when he walks through the door, but pretty much any time.

I'd rather have dinner and a Scotch ready myself. I just want to eat and unwind when I get home.

Gay.

mainstreet62: What the FARK is this nonsense?

22. "Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best - its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!!?

I guess it's for a pretty specific set. I wouldn't mind it getting a little messy.

algrant33: Am I the only guy that enjoys a light application of teeth during a BJ? (just for a few strokes?)

I get it sometimes. Not that I ask for it, it just happens. What I'm saying is there's a girth factor in play here. It's not always bad, unless it gets to be excessive.

Eshman: Corvus: minoridiot: exick: The Stealth Hippopotamus: 6. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

What's wrong with this??

That the number is rather low seeming?

Yea, I was thinking it should be closer to 100%. And not just when he walks through the door, but pretty much any time.

I'd rather have dinner and a Scotch ready myself. I just want to eat and unwind when I get home.

Gay.

No, a gay dude would still want a beej, just from another guy. Idk what that is.

MaudlinMutantMollusk: crush

Don't you dare say it...

//carrie fisher, chevy chase, and midgets...cool!

johnnyq: bearcats1983: Who among us hasn't had an HJ where the girl was apparently trying to give an "indian burn" on your peen?

and/or the girl was operating under the mistaken impression that if she pulled hard enough it would detach and she could take it home as a souvenir.

Also, only 34% for a surprise BJ!?!? What the hell? That should be more like 99.9%.

Maybe the other 66% want it as the routine greeting, not a surprise.

What about "girl with the white knuckle grip"? She apparently wants to SQUEEZE your load out like she's trying to get the last of the mustard out.

Good point on the other 66%, I didn't think of that. If that's the majority stipulation, I'm in on that. Why women don't understand that a beer and beej is the best greeting...I'll never understand.

TDBoedy: clearly they have been watching THIS (NSFW) enjoy farkers.

My web filter reports that site had spyware/malicious code on it. Watch at your own risk

Never, never, never tell a girl to use her teeth during oral.

Unless of course that's your thing.

DeltaPunch: 45) Find your favorite handjob, blowjob, cowgirl style, tittay farking, vid and show it to your girlfriend. Ta-daaaa.

FTFY

minoridiot: exick: The Stealth Hippopotamus: 6. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

What's wrong with this??

That the number is rather low seeming?

Yea, I was thinking it should be closer to 100%. And not just when he walks through the door, but pretty much any time.

"Honey I'm going to confession, wanna come with me?"

TDBoedy: clearly they have been watching THIS (NSFW) enjoy farkers.

I have the weirdest boner right now...

weiserfireman: TDBoedy: clearly they have been watching THIS (NSFW) enjoy farkers.

My web filter reports that site had spyware/malicious code on it. Watch at your own risk

But if you have a MAC, who cares! Weeeee

It's painful to date a woman who spent her teen years reading these articles and honestly believes them. And when I say "painful", it's the most honest way to put it.

I was with a chick about 13 years ago named Carol. She honestly thought men liked to be hit in the dick tip with the clasp of her bra (the bra, swung around in the air like a whip prior to hitting me with it). If my balls weren't so blue at that point, I wouldn't have continued.

After three months of her biting me, putting her cigarettes out on me, punches, insults, knife play, and one broken arm, I slowly reached the conclusion that she was a sadist who actually got off on causing physical harm to me during sex. Today I can only orgasm with a woman if she breaks a rib while choking me.

FTFA: ...you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.

There have been a number of Cracked articles on this sort of thing, and while they're mostly as useless as this article, there was one that made a rather good point: A lot of these tips sound like they're made up by vengeful ex-girlfriends, and it doesn't reflect well on the editors at Cosmo that they don't recognize this. If a men's magazine received a letter from a "woman" claiming that she loved to be slapped around and bitten hard enough that it leaves bruises, you'd hope that the editors would think, "This doesn't sound like something a typical woman would say, and it might be a sick prank from a sadist or something. It would be cruel and irresponsible for us to encourage guys to engage in these types of behavior."

But at Cosmo, day in and day out they're apparently publishing letters from "men" that say things like, "Yes, I love getting Indian burns on my Johnson. It's awesome when a woman roughly tries to bend my member in directions it's not supposed to go. Having my girlfriend squeeze my nuts and give them a solid yank totally makes me want to commit to a relationship." Either there's no common-sense filter for bad ideas, or they know and don't care, but either way some guy somewhere is going to have his girl decide that unexpectedly trying to bend his dick in half with all her might during sex is the best way to get him to stop having casual conversations with other women.

DamnYankees: "Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."

Step away from the penis, devil woman.

I'll leave this here, because I think it's relevant.

SMBC may have some insight.

NSFW Language on above link!!

mainstreet62: What the FARK is this nonsense?

22. "Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best - its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!!?

Ok. So now what?