"Because there's only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy and their bodies just can't handle it."

ugh.

Frederick: "Because there's only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy and their bodies just can't handle it."

ugh.

stupidest article I've ever read anywhere. Kind of amusing though. I've never taken 5 hour energy. Coffee works just fine for me and when it doesn't - well, I'm sure 5HE wouldn't do much either.

I guess neither of you noticed the article headlines on their sidebar then, right?

DammitIForgotMyLogin: I guess neither of you noticed the article headlines on their sidebar then, right?

ffffuuuu

no, i did't notice that. The internet done fooled me again. Consequences are not the same anymore!111111111!

Frederick: "Because there's only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy and their bodies just can't handle it."

ugh.

SCIENCE!

I thought satire was supposed to be funny.

Happy Hours: no, i did't notice that. The internet done fooled me again. Consequences are not the same anymore!111111111!

You done goofed.

jaylectricity: I thought satire was supposed to be funny.

Agreed. I almost didn't catch on... this looks too much like the shiatty local reporting we see so often.

This site fails to properly emulate The Onion and should try harder next time.

5-HT

Authorities told reporters the drug is taken orally and produces extreme euphoria and hallucinations. They say the teenagers are buying large amounts of the energy shot commonly sold at stores known as 5 Hour Energy. They are then drinking five or more of these bottles at a time. Because there's only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy and their bodies just can't handle it. Police believe these three students from Friday's incident each had about 40 hours of energy in them, 16 hours more energy than what is actually possible for a 24 hour day.

wtfamireading.jpg

The vending machines at the uni where I teach now carry this crap. The row with it is always full, even as the chips and Snickers bars disappear. I've never met anyone who's used it (or will admit to it), and I've always wondered who the hell is taking it.

Come on guys

Super Official News

The Ass Press

FTFA: They say the teenagers are buying large amounts of the energy shot commonly sold at stores known as 5 Hour Energy. They are then drinking five or more of these bottles at a time. Because there's only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy and their bodies just can't handle it. Police believe these three students from Friday's incident each had about 40 hours of energy in them, 16 hours more energy than what is actually possible for a 24 hour day.

LOL tastic but I can't help but feel this is some shady viral campaign to get teens to buy 5 Hour Energy or as they hipfully call it 5HE

Police believe these three students from Friday's incident each had about 40 hours of energy in them, 16 hours more energy than what is actually possible for a 24 hour day.

I laughed.

Subby needs to be held accountable for submitting non-funny satire.

The only problem with the satire here is its not quite onion funny (which isn't really that funny)and dumb enough that it does sound like the local moron that is at the newspaper with the liberal arts degree.

"40 hours of energy in them, 16 hours more energy than what is actually possible for a 24 hour day."
A-facking-mazing

I've used it once or twice (but not as described in the article.......), usually after(or before) an extended shift or two. It seems to have worked for me.

Because there's only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy and their bodies just can't handle it. Police believe these three students from Friday's incident each had about 40 hours of energy in them, 16 hours more energy than what is actually possible for a 24 hour day.

I was told there wasn't going to be any math.

Kids drinking something that almost kills them in Jonestown Highschool and nobody saw this coming from a mile away?

Every new idea to get high/effed up I hear.

5 Hour Energy. They are then drinking five or more of these bottles at a time. Because there's only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy and their bodies just can't handle it.

So... they DON'T all take effect at once? The problem is that they're trying to use 25 hours of energy in a 24-hour day?

DammitIForgotMyLogin: I guess neither of you noticed the article headlines on their sidebar then, right?

Local Man Stops Robbery By Quoting Pulp Fiction

Soon I blasted off somewhere else. My soul was tasting and hearing colors. I was swimming in love. There were these beings of light telling me that everything was going to be alright and that I shouldn't fall into amazement. They told me that there is nothing to ever be afraid of and that life is all just a ride. There was no time or space. I could have been there for a billion years or one minute.

Far out man.

Well that dumb.

This is complete Jenkem

crab66: Well that dumb.


Me caveman.

A legit opportunity to use the satire tag not taken? For shame, smitty.

"Disclaimer: Lulz killing of any kind will not be tolerated. If you are being a buzzkill, your comment can be altered or deleted. This entire site is pretty much just a resume containing a collection of my writings and such for the off chance that someone like The Onion ever happens to stop by. Until then just remember, if it's on the internet it must be true."

This disclaimer is at the bottom of the page.

And if this is indeed resume work, ditch it and start over.

It's unmarked bad satire day on Fark, I see.

North of the attic circle kids are doing this even more because they days are so much longer and it's easier to get than raid.

This is clearly BS but back in high school I knew kids who used to drink bottles of Robitussin to "trip out"

/ I used the stuff I got at dead shows.

Headso: Kids drinking something that almost kills them in Jonestown Highschool and nobody saw this coming from a mile away?

When the claim of smoking it came up, I started to get suspicious.

Now, what's going to happen when some kid reads this, thinks it's legit, and slams 5 5HEs? I'm guessling just being really wired.

They had one somewhat amusing idea...using 8 bottles of 5HE (!) gives 40 hours of energy which is more than possible in a 24 hour day. It wasn't nearly enough for an entire "article" though.

Smoking 5HE is a sign of hardcore addiction.

la_cyberchicana: The vending machines at the uni where I teach now carry this crap. The row with it is always full, even as the chips and Snickers bars disappear. I've never met anyone who's used it (or will admit to it), and I've always wondered who the hell is taking it.

I tried it once a while ago. It was an impulse buy at a gas station. It tasted awful*, about the most fowl tasting thing since regular Listerine (not the cool mint flavor, mind you, but the yellow/orange one that tastes like death). Since I paid for it I forced myself to finish it off - oh, and those TV commercials where the people open it and knock it back in one go like it's a shot glass? Total bullshiat. There's too much liquid to take in one go anyway, and even if you could the opening is way too narrow to allow it.

*Full disclosure, after drinking it I noticed it was 'lemon' flavored. It's possible the other flavors don't taste so horrible, but I've never cared to try.

does it work with the caffeine free 5 hour energies?
if so
just take B vitamins
and TRIPPPP

That was almost funny

Dale Evans, a store clerk at Fiesta Mart, told reporters that with all the recent bans on 5HE he says kids have been getting pretty desperate these days.

I helped with the appositive. Also, I tried 5 hour energy and fell asleep 30 minutes later. When it comes to uppers versus downers, it's always a gamble for me.

crab66: crab66: Well that dumb.


Me caveman.

I am truley sorry for your lots.

Is that the poor man's onion?

/I think I grinned. Briefly.

I usually shoot it up because the taste is so bad.

Not only is it stupid to try and ban 5 hour energy drinks (there are tons just like it, and you can buy it online, hell even Walmart sells it) but it was hilarious how the article never ONCE mentioned ingredients and talked about the kids as if they were light bulbs or something haha. Great laugh!

Faddy: Come on guys

Super Official News

The Ass Press

FTFA: They say the teenagers are buying large amounts of the energy shot commonly sold at stores known as 5 Hour Energy. They are then drinking five or more of these bottles at a time. Because there's only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy and their bodies just can't handle it. Police believe these three students from Friday's incident each had about 40 hours of energy in them, 16 hours more energy than what is actually possible for a 24 hour day.

LOL tastic but I can't help but feel this is some shady viral campaign to get teens to buy 5 Hour Energy or as they hipfully call it 5HE

Can't be any worse than when the Surge! van pulled up to my high school and offered a giant cooler full of free drinks as a promo.

Ah SuperOfficialNews.com, the same site that ran the Bill Murray will crash your party story. The phone number they listed in that article was for the Westboro Baptist Church. About the only thing funny on that site. Bad satire is bad.

Hahaha....

On a serious note: I had a student a few years back slam three energy drinks before our 8:15 am class and she was bouncing off the walls. Could not get her to shut up!

/Interesting fact: The police chief of Austin, Texas is not Paul Horner. Here's a link to prove it: Link

//The Onion they are not...

ChipNASA: [fc04.deviantart.net image 850x637]

is that cueball head from Homestuck?

Seems a bit familiar...