Obviously, that's a bullshiat article and clearly satirical, but it's simply not very funny or well written. Whoever greened that is a moron. Jesus CHRIST, read the comments. Dumbfarks actually think 11 people were killed. God DAMN people are stupid.

You're a freakin moron. As a resuly from the General's speach, 11 lives were taken and many more impacted. What does this say about our military? Straight and to the point yes, but look at the repercussions. That could have been a family member of yours jackass! I believe in his mentality. I strongly disagree with his demeanor. He could have been twice as harsh / aggressive without the obsenities and disregard for public mania. What a fool. I hop[e he gets relieved and is held responsible for the lives which are no longer with us. Sure the Soldiers were probably doing their job in the line of duty. Coming from a high ranking officer, this disgusts me!

That being said, this is the kind of shiat that would be said to soldiers just 20 years ago, and definitely 30 years ago. Can't you even use a "time out card" or some such shiat in basic now?

I find it funny that the military is going the same way schools are. Everyone has to be told they're special, everyone gets a prize. 18 year olds going into the military today are the product of that line of thought being shown to them.

Salute....for the laughs.

I didn't think it had the soft touch that the Onion has (there were a few lines, especially the last few paragraphs, that made it clearly bogus), but it definitely was worth a laugh.

Why can't we be more honest with ourselves at these stupid ceremonies? College graduation ceremonies are just as bad, since you know half the people in the room barely made it to the finish line and that a lot of them are going to wind up being exactly the sort of people you'd never want to work for or with.

Neondistraction: xanadian: Satire, huh?

*reads*

I guess it's funny if you're a grunt. Sailors have a more sophisticated sense of humor.

...

*gigglesnort*

I guess they develop their sophisticated sense of humor after getting desensitized to all the sea men and/or poop deck jokes.

/ used to work with a girl whose husband was in the navy
// she got tired of the sea men jokes, too

Did she do anything about the jokers? You know, take her complaints to the head?

/Old Bob Hope joke

Pathman: do you guys not even look at the tags?

It was submitted with the Hero tag.

Would be proud.

What he really wanted to say.

Of course, we can't handle the truth.

Prank Call of Cthulhu: Funny is hard, and often best left to the professionals at the Onion.

This is certainly far better than most of the off-brand satire we get periodically around here, especially if you're familiar with the military graduation ceremony. The last line, though, was most assuredly Onion-worthy: "An Army spokesman has said that General Brown will not be scheduled as the keynote speaker for next week's graduation ceremony." LMAO.

My favorite line:

"The silence after his speech was soon broken by wild applause from the assembled Drill Sergeants and Officers responsible for training the young soldiers over the previous ten weeks."

violentsalvation: Is that real? This can't be real.

Satire: You could look it up.

While reading, however, I thought "this article was inspired by Patton's Ghost".

Reading around that site is killing me... the "Marine's Wife" one was too much! "I don't know how I could have been so disrespectful to that little, blue sticker!"

Crudbucket: Pathman: do you guys not even look at the tags?

It was submitted with the Hero tag.

Yeah, I assumed as much for those posting upthread, but everybody else?

topcon: That being said, this is the kind of shiat that would be said to soldiers just 20 years ago, and definitely 30 years ago. Can't you even use a "time out card" or some such shiat in basic now?

No, you can't. That's a debunked urban legend. There is no such thing as a "stress card" or "time out card" in any Basic Training of the US, and anybody who says otherwise is misinformed or outright lying. Every Basic Training command in the military has to debunk this rumor regularly.

The closest that you got was back in the 1990's, for a brief period, the US Navy had a card given to recruits during inprocessing which basically said you were depressed and needed to speak with a Chaplain or counselor, that they could present this card to their instructors to immediately be seen by a mental health professional. This plan was very quickly cancelled once recruits started to use it as a "get out of jail" card any time they had an assignment or punishment they didn't like and tried to get out of it.

Now, recruits can still request to speak with a Chaplain if they are having emotional problems, nobody wants a recruit to commit suicide (or worse, a Full Metal Jacket style murder-suicide). , but it's hardly just wave a card in a DS's face and move along if you feel bad. Just about everybody I saw request to speak with a Chaplain when I was in Basic (Ft. Jackson, January 2010 through March 2010) because they emotionally couldn't handle it ended up washing out.

We had one recruit request to see a Chaplain who washed out when she realized she could actually die in the line of duty, and she didn't want to put her husband and parents through that. No kidding, she actually enlisted and was in BCT before she realize that Soldiers can actually get killed, even if you're not in the Infantry.

We had another one wash out from the overall stress of it. She enlisted into the Reserves just because it was a quicker way to citizenship (she came from Albania, and spoke heavily accented, broken English), but she apparently had little idea what Basic Training would be like. Getting up early in the morning, lots of physical labor and exercise, shooting guns, not being allowed civilian clothes or calls home. After she was discharged, she actually tried to file a lawsuit against the Company Commander and First Sergeant alleging mental cruelty or some crap, saying that the Basic Training process was abusive and inhumane and cruel and she was left with emotional scars from the time. The suit was pending when we graduated, but we all expected it was going to be dismissed.

Neither of those recruits had an instant "stress card" to flash to make the Drill Sergeants go away though.

In another company elsewhere on Post while I was in BCT, they actually had a recruit commit suicide. The recruit smuggled a live round off a firing range, locked & loaded it in their rifle, and hid in the latrine. Apparently right as the last note of Reveille played, the recruit pulled the trigger and blew their own head off.

secularsage: Why can't we be more honest with ourselves at these stupid ceremonies?

"I have one message for you, class of 2012: Stay in school."

-Robert Deniro, in his Commencement Address to the Bates College Class of 2012

/yes, for realsies

Pathman: Yeah, I assumed as much for those posting upthread, but everybody else?

Every one of the six stories I read on there has people biting HARD in the comments section. That certainly speaks to the writers' ability to walk the edge between believable and obvious trolling. A lot of the "tells" are pretty military-specific, and I can imagine how friends-of-vets seeing these shared on facebook might miss them and think it's legit.

Silverstaff: topcon: That being said, this is the kind of shiat that would be said to soldiers just 20 years ago, and definitely 30 years ago. Can't you even use a "time out card" or some such shiat in basic now?

No, you can't. That's a debunked urban legend. There is no such thing as a "stress card" or "time out card" in any Basic Training of the US, and anybody who says otherwise is misinformed or outright lying. Every Basic Training command in the military has to debunk this rumor regularly.

The closest that you got was back in the 1990's, for a brief period, the US Navy had a card given to recruits during inprocessing which basically said you were depressed and needed to speak with a Chaplain or counselor, that they could present this card to their instructors to immediately be seen by a mental health professional. This plan was very quickly cancelled once recruits started to use it as a "get out of jail" card any time they had an assignment or punishment they didn't like and tried to get out of it.

Now, recruits can still request to speak with a Chaplain if they are having emotional problems, nobody wants a recruit to commit suicide (or worse, a Full Metal Jacket style murder-suicide). , but it's hardly just wave a card in a DS's face and move along if you feel bad. Just about everybody I saw request to speak with a Chaplain when I was in Basic (Ft. Jackson, January 2010 through March 2010) because they emotionally couldn't handle it ended up washing out.

We had one recruit request to see a Chaplain who washed out when she realized she could actually die in the line of duty, and she didn't want to put her husband and parents through that. No kidding, she actually enlisted and was in BCT before she realize that Soldiers can actually get killed, even if you're not in the Infantry.

We had another one wash out from the overall stress of it. She enlisted into the Reserves just because it was a quicker way to citizenship (she came from Albania, and spoke heavily acce ...

Ah, gotcha. Interesting.

It's funny, I was even told recently (literally like a month ago) by a retired Navy guy those such things exist, but this guy has been out for 20 years. I guess those rumors are really pervasive.

Pete 'Dead Meat' Thompson is dead. So is Mo Green, Tataglia, Barzini, the heads of all the five families. It is at moments like these, my dear friends, that we must ask ourselves: "How can this not be part of some larger plan?" Do good men like Dead Meat Thompson just blink out one day like a bad bulb? I mean, one minute you're in bed with a knockout gal... or guy, and the next, you're a compost heap. Doesn't that bother any of you? Because it scares the living piss outta me!

[Admiral Benson comes into the briefing room in riding pants]
Admiral Benson: Be seated! Ah... Many of you are wondering what's wrong with my pants, well they started running short on materials right before they got to the knees so don't give me any shiat. Ah. I look out there on all you wonderful guys and I say to myself "What I wouldn't give to be 20 years younger... and a woman". You know, I've personally flown over 194 missions and I was shot down on every one. Come to think of it, I've never landed a plane in my life.

topcon: Silverstaff: topcon: That being said, this is the kind of shiat that would be said to soldiers just 20 years ago, and definitely 30 years ago. Can't you even use a "time out card" or some such shiat in basic now?

No, you can't. That's a debunked urban legend. There is no such thing as a "stress card" or "time out card" in any Basic Training of the US, and anybody who says otherwise is misinformed or outright lying. Every Basic Training command in the military has to debunk this rumor regularly.

The closest that you got was back in the 1990's, for a brief period, the US Navy had a card given to recruits during inprocessing which basically said you were depressed and needed to speak with a Chaplain or counselor, that they could present this card to their instructors to immediately be seen by a mental health professional. This plan was very quickly cancelled once recruits started to use it as a "get out of jail" card any time they had an assignment or punishment they didn't like and tried to get out of it.

Now, recruits can still request to speak with a Chaplain if they are having emotional problems, nobody wants a recruit to commit suicide (or worse, a Full Metal Jacket style murder-suicide). , but it's hardly just wave a card in a DS's face and move along if you feel bad. Just about everybody I saw request to speak with a Chaplain when I was in Basic (Ft. Jackson, January 2010 through March 2010) because they emotionally couldn't handle it ended up washing out.

We had one recruit request to see a Chaplain who washed out when she realized she could actually die in the line of duty, and she didn't want to put her husband and parents through that. No kidding, she actually enlisted and was in BCT before she realize that Soldiers can actually get killed, even if you're not in the Infantry.

We had another one wash out from the overall stress of it. She enlisted into the Reserves just because it was a quicker way to citizenship (she came from Albania, and spoke ...

Very much so....we have had a few folks come out of Basic and the worst thing is the MTI at Lackland that is being court marshaled for rape/sexual abuse...the dude was called a classic predator.

violentsalvation: Is that real? This can't be real.

"Don't be stupid, you moron"


/nothing personal, I just wanted to use a Ben Stern reference

So he was just complaining about the HERO tag?

topcon: That being said, this is the kind of shiat that would be said to soldiers just 20 years ago, and definitely 30 years ago.

No it isn't. I went through Army basic training precisely 27 years ago this month. That is not the sort of shiat they could say back then either.

Every generation of military likes to think they had it tougher than the succeeding generations, but largely that's not true. It's the old brown shoe/black shoe Army kind of thing. The truth is, however, that basic is really no tougher now than it was back then. It might be *DIFFERENT* in some ways, but not really easier.

topcon: It's funny, I was even told recently (literally like a month ago) by a retired Navy guy those such things exist, but this guy has been out for 20 years. I guess those rumors are really pervasive.

The military is a small world... million-plus people notwithstanding you constantly run across new people that have worked with your old comrades/shipmates all over the world. Throw in heaps of traditions, gossip, and long stretches of time being cut off from the outside world and you get extremely fertile ground for urban legends to take root. Once instructors in initial-level schools start telling them, then every single person coming in to the service hears the story and it just becomes "true."

I've probably contributed to that problem. Ha!

Silverstaff: We had another one wash out from the overall stress of it. She enlisted into the Reserves just because it was a quicker way to citizenship (she came from Albania, and spoke heavily accented, broken English), but she apparently had little idea what Basic Training would be like. Getting up early in the morning, lots of physical labor and exercise, shooting guns, not being allowed civilian clothes or calls home. After she was discharged, she actually tried to file a lawsuit against the Company Commander and First Sergeant alleging mental cruelty or some crap, saying that the Basic Training process was abusive and inhumane and cruel and she was left with emotional scars from the time. The suit was pending when we graduated, but we all expected it was going to be dismissed.

It amazed me how many people washed out of Basic. It was so stupidly easy. I was probably one of the most out of shape recruits when we started too. My first 2 mile time was like 26 minutes.

We started with 64 in my platoon and ended with 35. Ours was especially bad because we had what they called "exodus" where they sent everyone home in the middle of training for Christmas break. People that seemed to be doing fine before we left came back and didn't even try. I will admit that i was absolutely thrilled when my Gomer Pyle (full metal jacket type not goofy loveable heart in the right place type) like bunk mate quit.

violentsalvation: Is that real? This can't be real.

i want to believe...

dittybopper: Every generation of military likes to think they had it tougher than the succeeding generations, but largely that's not true. It's the old brown shoe/black shoe Army kind of thing. The truth is, however, that basic is really no tougher now than it was back then. It might be *DIFFERENT* in some ways, but not really easier.

Hell, in some ways I would say modern Basic Combat Training is tougher than it was 40+ years ago (or at least what I would expect of it 40 years ago).

Now to graduate, you have to pass an Army Physical Fitness Test (i.e. do plenty of push-ups, sit-ups and run pretty dang fast for 2 miles), qualify at least Marksman with a M-4 or M-16 (shoot at least 23 out of 40 man-sized targets at ranges from 50 meters to 300 meters, having only a few seconds to spot and shoot each target) and complete a 10-mile ruckmarch in full combat gear.

I seriously doubt that Basic Training during Vietnam, Korea or WWII had that many non-negotiable graduation requirements. If all it would take to not get shipped to Vietnam was to not run very fast, be a lousy shot with a rifle, or just stop marching after a few miles, I doubt draft dodging would have been much of an issue.

Yeah, Drill Sergeants have much, much less ability to get physically violent with recruits now (they can only do it for safety purposes, which basically means if they think you're being unsafe on rifle or grenade range they can do whatever it takes to protect people, like tackling you or kicking or throwing you to get you to stop your unsafe behavior). They really aren't supposed to use profanity. However, the standards Soldiers are held to are quite high.

My platoon in BCT started with 50 soldiers, we graduated 43. 7 Soldiers washed out, that's 14% washing out, and 86% graduating, and remember, every one of those was a volunteer. Imagine if those were conscripts who didn't want to be there.

It's different, not easier.

I came

fonebone77: Silverstaff: We had another one wash out from the overall stress of it. She enlisted into the Reserves just because it was a quicker way to citizenship (she came from Albania, and spoke heavily accented, broken English), but she apparently had little idea what Basic Training would be like. Getting up early in the morning, lots of physical labor and exercise, shooting guns, not being allowed civilian clothes or calls home. After she was discharged, she actually tried to file a lawsuit against the Company Commander and First Sergeant alleging mental cruelty or some crap, saying that the Basic Training process was abusive and inhumane and cruel and she was left with emotional scars from the time. The suit was pending when we graduated, but we all expected it was going to be dismissed.

It amazed me how many people washed out of Basic. It was so stupidly easy. I was probably one of the most out of shape recruits when we started too. My first 2 mile time was like 26 minutes.

We started with 64 in my platoon and ended with 35. Ours was especially bad because we had what they called "exodus" where they sent everyone home in the middle of training for Christmas break. People that seemed to be doing fine before we left came back and didn't even try. I will admit that i was absolutely thrilled when my Gomer Pyle (full metal jacket type not goofy loveable heart in the right place type) like bunk mate quit.

Geez, you must have been like the platoon in Stripes. Out of my entire company, I can only recall two that failed out, one was a total basket case separated "for the good of the service", and the other was caught stealing. There were a couple others who got pulled for medical reasons, whom I presume finished basic in a different company, or a later class. Maybe a couple others that got out that I can't remember, but the overwhelming majority of those who started basic with Echo Company, Fourth Training Battalion, Fifth Training Brigade were standing tall at graduation.

/One of the drill instructors didn't make it, though.
//Female, collapsed with heat related injuries.

Sending this to my ex-Army brother. He never got off-base in Kuwait & was medically discharged after 3 months, but, to hear him tell it, he was this generation's Audie Murphy. He won't realize this is satire & will probably post it on FB with a "Hells Yeah!"

Silverstaff: , qualify at least Marksman with a M-4 or M-16 (shoot at least 23 out of 40 man-sized targets at ranges from 50 meters to 300 meters, having only a few seconds to spot and shoot each target)

Heh.

I remember when I was in basic the drill instructors saying that the country boys generally don't end up shooting as well as the city boys, because being familiar with guns we had mostly developed bad marksmanship habits that we had to unlearn, whereas the city boys who weren't used to shooting took the instruction better.

When we qualified, those of us who were urbanly-challenged generally shot expert or high sharpshooter. The city boys generally shot marksman or at best low sharpshooter.

Moral of the story: Not everything the DI tells you is necessarily gospel.

/Was known as "Hollywood" because my BCGs didn't come for some time, and my civilian glasses had photogrey lenses.
//Looked like I was always wearing shades.

this story is better written (but still has plenty of satire clues), more believable and must have been sent out to a military spouses' network because it has 192 comedy gold comments from people thinking it's true:

http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/07/new -dod-policy-to-assign-rank-to-mi l itary-spouses/

dittybopper: Geez, you must have been like the platoon in Stripes. Out of my entire company, I can only recall two that failed out, one was a total basket case separated "for the good of the service", and the other was caught stealing. There were a couple others who got pulled for medical reasons, whom I presume finished basic in a different company, or a later class. Maybe a couple others that got out that I can't remember, but the overwhelming majority of those who started basic with Echo Company, Fourth Training Battalion, Fifth Training Brigade were standing tall at graduation.

It was pretty awful. We had several guys in on waivers that scored sub 20 composite on the ASVAB. My bunk mate claimed he scored a 14. I guess they have to let so many of those idiots in every year for some touchy feely reason or another. When you are scoring in the bottom 20 percent of people taking the ASVAB you probably cant even count to potato. Some of these guys literally had problems getting dressed in the mornings.

factoryconnection: Pathman: Yeah, I assumed as much for those posting upthread, but everybody else?

Every one of the six stories I read on there has people biting HARD in the comments section. That certainly speaks to the writers' ability to walk the edge between believable and obvious trolling. A lot of the "tells" are pretty military-specific, and I can imagine how friends-of-vets seeing these shared on facebook might miss them and think it's legit.

yeah - that's true. the comment sections are hilarious.
did you see the one about them giving ranks to military spouses?

"YOU WEAR HIS RING NOT HIS RANK"

fonebone77: Some of these guys literally had problems getting dressed in the mornings.

That's not a handicap in this man's army.

Halfway through I clued in that it must be an Onion ripoff.

Too bad, that would've been a legendary speech for real.

/in an awesome way

Crudbucket: It's not real, but it is true.

Reminds me of all of the golden boys and office warriors I knew in the Navy. They looked good and had the drills down pat, but they had trouble dealing with a crisis more complex than the ice machine running low.

Sounds like Gunnery Sgt. Hartman's retirement speech.

fonebone77: dittybopper: Geez, you must have been like the platoon in Stripes. Out of my entire company, I can only recall two that failed out, one was a total basket case separated "for the good of the service", and the other was caught stealing. There were a couple others who got pulled for medical reasons, whom I presume finished basic in a different company, or a later class. Maybe a couple others that got out that I can't remember, but the overwhelming majority of those who started basic with Echo Company, Fourth Training Battalion, Fifth Training Brigade were standing tall at graduation.

It was pretty awful. We had several guys in on waivers that scored sub 20 composite on the ASVAB. My bunk mate claimed he scored a 14. I guess they have to let so many of those idiots in every year for some touchy feely reason or another. When you are scoring in the bottom 20 percent of people taking the ASVAB you probably cant even count to potato. Some of these guys literally had problems getting dressed in the mornings.

Huh. Maybe your platoon was where they threw all the ones they think wouldn't make it, on the theory that disrupting one platoon out of a battalion is better than disrupting several. Either that, or you just hit the power-dirt-ball lottery, and it was random chance that brought them all together.

natazha: They looked good and had the drills down pat, but they had trouble dealing with a crisis more complex than the ice machine running low.

Coming from the "Chairforce"...this would have been a real CRISIS. RED ALERT RED ALERT!!!!

The Onion, now in military flavor

/tastes like victory
//and sweaty socks

"SOUND OFF LIKE YOU GOT A PAIR, MAGGOT!"

fonebone77: dittybopper: Geez, you must have been like the platoon in Stripes. Out of my entire company, I can only recall two that failed out, one was a total basket case separated "for the good of the service", and the other was caught stealing. There were a couple others who got pulled for medical reasons, whom I presume finished basic in a different company, or a later class. Maybe a couple others that got out that I can't remember, but the overwhelming majority of those who started basic with Echo Company, Fourth Training Battalion, Fifth Training Brigade were standing tall at graduation.

It was pretty awful. We had several guys in on waivers that scored sub 20 composite on the ASVAB. My bunk mate claimed he scored a 14. I guess they have to let so many of those idiots in every year for some touchy feely reason or another. When you are scoring in the bottom 20 percent of people taking the ASVAB you probably cant even count to potato. Some of these guys literally had problems getting dressed in the mornings.

We only had one with an ASVAB waiver. He couldn't figure out how to work a broom and dustpan. He made up for his stupidity by being a dick, so he probably made chief eventually.

I know a kid (child of a minor acquaintance) who just graduated highschool at 20, yes, 20, who failed the ASVAB, twice? I think, and finally passed. He wanted to go into the Army. I'm not sure he's still going in or not, but that was all the talk about a year ago.

Random Discord: MaudlinMutantMollusk: violentsalvation: Is that real? This can't be real.

I'm going to guess 'no'

/I think there'd be just a teensy bit more of an uproar if it were
//and 92,000 headline submissions on it

Definitely satire (I seriously think the major news outlets would be all over something where 11 recruits were killed). Funny as fark, and true as well though. I wish that actually HAD happened.

Someone needs to say something very similar to the wives of the navy pilots that come into my wife's Cafe....




...(no that's not a euphemism)


USN Vet.

Sgt Otter: miss diminutive: [img820.imageshack.us image 643x458]

I wonder if this General Robert Brown (if that's even his real name) has any idea his image is being associated with a satirical rant that will probably be taken as legitimate by some gullible people out there....

There is a real Lieutenant General (three-star) Robert Brown, who is the I Corps Commander at Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Washington State. He was formerly the post commander (two-star) at Fort Benning,GA which has the U.S. Army's basic training for new infantry soldiers, which would explain the Drill Sergeants (the guys in the Smokey The Bear hats) in the background.

This was the only picture I could find of him:

[www2.wrbl.com image 294x244]

It doesn't really look like him, but his biography mentions a tour with the 25th Infantry Division, which is the "Electric Strawberry" combat patch your guy is wearing..

HOLY SH*T - that guy got promoted from COL to LTG in 6 years? I should have stayed in...

Poe's Law in effect. NO officer would hang his career by its bootstraps out to dry like that.

xanadian: I guess it's funny if you're a grunt. Sailors have a more sophisticated sense of humor.

I do love the "Cryptonomicon" references in this article, though.

violentsalvation: Is that real? This can't be real.

Given the tag is "satire," it ends with "Drill Sergeants were forced to kill 11 Privates in self-defense" and the author likes "clam flavored ice-cream and seal clubbing during the off season" I'm gonna go with yes.

An Army spokesman has said that General Brown will not be scheduled as the keynote speaker for next week's graduation ceremony.

I thought this was the funniest line in the whole piece.

That site is so testosterone infused, I think I grew a third ball...