New week, new headlines. Enjoy

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2012-07-29 to Sat 2012-08-04:

  10-year-old girl accused of starting house fire because she was angry at her mother. I think we all know what she looks like    

  Pennsylvania man kills another with a pair of scissors. The deceased was found with paper, no rocks    

  Army eradicates wasps with flamethrowers. I guess Cape Cod won't be so crowded this summer    

  Man wanted for stealing beer and cigarettes found sitting in lawn chair while drinking beer and smoking cigarette. Unclear if he owned chair    

  Welcome to our POOL. Notice there is no 'R' V' in... oh, damn    

  Mexico has a major drug problem. Also a general drug problem, and a lieutenant colonel drug problem    

  Penguins get shark roommates at California aquarium. Sharks get dinner guests    

  Businessman who only likes watching the first half of movies aims to create a real-life Jurassic Park right after he funds a full scale replica of the Titanic    

  Another megachurch pastor goes down, this time on a teenage girl    

  First opera about the war in Iraq now being performed. Critics say it costs too much, lasts too long and at the end there is no way to get out of the theater    

  Six-year-old boy flying with father pulls landing gear lever just as plane touches down, retracting landing gear and putting plane on its belly. I'M HELPING    


Sports:

  US swimmer hailing from the Trojan Swim Club takes the gold. Apparently the club is used to fielding strong swimmers    

  Pole dancers want to be a part of the 2016 Olympics. Officials told a ticket would only require a small cover charge and two drink minimum    

  Gabby Douglas wins the all-around gymnastics gold medal on the strength of a stunning vault, flawless balance beam, and authentic frontier gibberish    


Geek:

  Why do men stare at women? Here's the entire story in two parts    

  Dolphins are highly cultured. [Cetacean needed]    

  Google buys Mark Zuckerberg's sister. The battle for internet supremacy has moved to another level    


Entertainment:

  You can't label my 'fluid' sexuality, says X Files star Gillian Anderson. Really? Because redheaded, hot, lesbian, nerdy, MILF works for me    

  Arnold Schwarzenegger turns 65, celebrates by hiring a housekeeper to actually clean his house    

  Stevie Wonder files for divorce, even though he isn't seeing someone else    


Politics:

  Tea Party says Romney better step to the right. Pundits, however, believe it will be the pelvic thrust that will drive voters insane    

  Jenna Jameson endorses Mitt Romney for President, further cementing her reputation as someone who enjoys getting f*cked    

  In response to new unemployment data, Romney promises 12 million new jobs in four years. Should break down to approximately 6 million for India, 6 million for China    


Business:

  Roper buys Sunquest for $1.4 billion, promises not to raise the rent on Jack, Chrissy and Janet    

  Car industry warns that Obamafuel regulations will make cars unaffordable and destroy America. Much in the same way that safety glass, seatbelt, airbag, and crumple zone regulations have done in the past    

  "A sleek Gulfstream 5 - a symbol of success known among owners simply as a G5 - can now be had for as little as $20 million." You submitted this while eating leftover instant ramen