The problem with adopting a kid is that someone else's kid will never, ever love you half as much as a dog. Hell, your own kids won't either. Even if they go out in the world and make a billion dollars and give it all to you because they love you that much, it's still only measuring in low percentiles of a dog's affection.

The plus side of the coin is that kids probably won't jump on your lap feet first then let the biggest fart of their lives out as they lay across your legs, pinning you to the sofa where you have no choice but to endure the percolated stench of the ancient canine gut flora, passed down from that great hero Broken-tooth Longstrider, the Ice Age wolf that could fell Mammoths with his flatulence and thus was able to support a pack large enough that he's the distant grandfather of all domestic canines.

So, y'know dogs will love you more but kids will smell better. It's all a matter of your priorities at that point.

doglover: The problem with adopting a kid is that someone else's kid will never, ever love you half as much as a dog. Hell, your own kids won't either. Even if they go out in the world and make a billion dollars and give it all to you because they love you that much, it's still only measuring in low percentiles of a dog's affection.

This might be coming from someone who can't stand dogs (no seriously, i farking hate them) but my kids give me all of the love i need. Plus, I can only send one of them to the salt mines.

And dogs don't care where you put it, they'll lick peanut butter off any part of you.

Try getting your kids to do that.

Ed Finnerty: And dogs don't care where you put it, they'll lick peanut butter off any part of you.

Try getting your kids to do that.

bonus to subby for adoption statement. best thing you can do.

snuff3r: doglover: The problem with adopting a kid is that someone else's kid will never, ever love you half as much as a dog. Hell, your own kids won't either. Even if they go out in the world and make a billion dollars and give it all to you because they love you that much, it's still only measuring in low percentiles of a dog's affection.

This might be coming from someone who can't stand dogs (no seriously, i farking hate them) but my kids give me all of the love i need. Plus, I can only send one of them to the salt mines.

Just because you have horrible opinions and they're all wrong and you would not pass muster for any occupation but professional pooper scooper if I were king (yes, entirely because you don't like dogs. Seriously, it'd be important.) doesn't mean you're not right. Kids do give you all the love you need. But that's it. Dogs give you not only that, but entire orders of magnitude more. If your kid loved you even half as much as a dog, you'd be Time Magazine's parent of the epoch.

Personally I think kids stink? My dogs smell good.
Cool people own dogs. OLD people have kids.

doglover: The plus side of the coin is that kids probably won't jump on your lap feet first then let the biggest fart of their lives out as they lay across your legs, pinning you to the sofa where you have no choice but to endure the percolated stench of the ancient canine gut flora, passed down from that great hero Broken-tooth Longstrider, the Ice Age wolf that could fell Mammoths with his flatulence and thus was able to support a pack large enough that he's the distant grandfather of all domestic canines.

That explains so much...

doglover: The problem with adopting a kid is that someone else's kid will never, ever love you half as much as a dog.

true, but dogs die after 15 years. you will go through 4 dogs and 1 adopted kid. ... my suggestion? do both. get your adopted kid a dog! dogs are awesome. (cats ain't bad, either, but get a puppy before a kitten!).

utah dude: cats ain't bad, either

Cats are great. Just remember to marinate.

Fark dogs AND kids.

There, now everyone's happy.

My dog sits when I tell it, can your child do that?


What kids look like...

doglover: So, y'know dogs will love you more but kids will smell better.

I call bullsh*t!. Kids smell horrible, especially toddlers. I'd rather put up with 12 years of occasional "wet dog" smell and excited I-gotta-piss panting in my face at 6am than even two years of a kid's constant self-sh*tting, vomit, etc. Kids are like Satan in a deceptively adorable form. They're the spawn of evil. Everything about them is nasty until they reach the age of looking after their own hygiene. Seriously man, human beings stink.

/former dog was an Akita who smelled a little weird after some time away from the groomer, but he was such a magnificent beast no one cared. Breath was OK, I guess. No worse than my own after some cigarettes and half a bottle of scotch
//he was loyal and happy and all the other things we love about dogs

ButterMule: Fark dogs AND kids.

There, now everyone's happy.

Hate to break it to subby but the bulk of people that treat their dog's like this are not DINKs (dual income no kids) but actually older baby boomers. My parents knows tons of these people and I work around several. The kids moved away, they only see them and their grandchildren at Thanksgiving or Christmas. They don't want to move and their kids don't want them living by them anyways. They get the dog to having something to love and then spoil the shiat out of the dog. These people are too old to be adopting kids and likely won't be approved anyways due to their age.

Let's see. Adopting a dog: walk into a pet store that's having an adoption event, sign some papers, pay a little money, walk out with a dog. Adopting a kid: find an agency, go to months of classes, have a home study, pay tens of thousands of dollars, sit on a waiting list for a year or two, maybe wind up with a kid at the end of it all, then sit through a few more years of follow-up visits. Yeah, that's exactly the same.

That said, braces and such for dogs is kinda ridiculous.

david_gaithersburg: My dog sits when I tell it, can your child do that?


What kids look like...
[www.foodgal.com image 560x375]

As someone who owns goats, I can honestly say kids and dogs are damned near equal. The dogs exist to protect the kids and are much more friendly, but I get to fatten up most of the male kids and BBQ them.

/mmmm, BBQ kid

I suppose having nice clean teeth makes for a better poo eating experience.

Why would you subject a dog to cosmetic dental work? No one gives a shiat if your dog's teeth are crooked, especially your dog - so long as he can still eat. Are there assholes out there that would like their dog just a little bit more if it's teeth were straight? Braces farking hurt and I'd never subject a pet to them for cosmetic reasons.

Seems like an appropriate thread to post the only pic on the internet that actually makes me homicidal. You're all lucky; am working from home today.

STOP DOING THIS.

Yeah but you can't put kids in a crate.

military armrest: Hate to break it to subby but the bulk of people that treat their dog's like this ...

Their dog's what?

/sieg heil

I got a call the other night about my dog, pneumonia and something called megaesophagus. I'm working in Australia and he was back in the US. Was and I had about 90 seconds to make the fatal decision.
Why do we put ourselves through this because we always wind up with broken hearts?

If you want to be worshiped, get a dog, if you want to know your place in the world, get a cat, a very humbling experience.

Mad Scientist:

/sieg heil

You should really capitalize that phrase.

I have been thinking of getting my dog's grille fixed. She lost a couple of front teeth in the line of duty. Neighbor's stallion got in her pasture and was terrorizing my cows, chasing them around, running them away from the feed trough and just being a dick in general. I went to run it back across the fence and my dog only went after the horse after it stomped its hooves and started to charge like it was gonna get me. She took a hoof to the mouth, yet encouraged the horse to leave anyhow. Impervious to the fact that she took a pretty serious kick, had 3 front teeth knocked loose and dangling from her mouth and was blowing blood and snot bubbles out of her nose, the very first thing she did was come to check on me and make sure I was alright.

Here she is during her day job:

doglover: The problem with adopting a kid is that someone else's kid will never, ever love you half as much as a dog. Hell, your own kids won't either. Even if they go out in the world and make a billion dollars and give it all to you because they love you that much, it's still only measuring in low percentiles of a dog's affection.

The plus side of the coin is that kids probably won't jump on your lap feet first then let the biggest fart of their lives out as they lay across your legs, pinning you to the sofa where you have no choice but to endure the percolated stench of the ancient canine gut flora, passed down from that great hero Broken-tooth Longstrider, the Ice Age wolf that could fell Mammoths with his flatulence and thus was able to support a pack large enough that he's the distant grandfather of all domestic canines.

So, y'know dogs will love you more but kids will smell better. It's all a matter of your priorities at that point.

English Mastiff?

She's nicer to me than the kids but dayum, do not let her get hold of people food or the SBDs will take you out.

Alexander Mouse: If you want to be worshiped, get a dog, if you want to know your place in the world, get a cat, a very humbling experience.

You enjoy being humbled by an animal that licks its asshole? You're a grown, human being, capable of complex, rational, and abstract thought. You can create. You can use tools to mold the world around you. We even sent a man to the moon.

But being humbled by a cat is awesome? Do you also enjoy your close friends/romantic interests ignoring and/or using you? Aaaaah, now I get it. You're one of those types.

OK, carry on then.

wademh: I got a call the other night about my dog, pneumonia and something called megaesophagus. I'm working in Australia and he was back in the US. Was and I had about 90 seconds to make the fatal decision.
Why do we put ourselves through this because we always wind up with broken hearts?

So sorry for your loss. All we can do is give them the best home while we have them.

I love dogs, but people who refer to and treat their dogs as their "children", not so much.

The two are not remotely similar.

hbomb1129: Yeah but you can't put kids in a crate.

You've just got to fold them right and they fit in real good.

hbomb1129: Yeah but you can't put kids in a crate.

If you want to raise a super villain, you pretty much have to.

hbomb1129: Yeah but you can't put kids in a crate.

BS. Fark gets 2-3 links to examples every month.

hbomb1129: Yeah but you can't put kids in a crate.

I can't? Ah shiat....

dickfreckle: Seems like an appropriate thread to post the only pic on the internet that actually makes me homicidal. You're all lucky; am working from home today.



STOP DOING THIS.

The entire Internet out there and the one pic that makes you "homicidal" is an image of a lady with a pug in a stroller?

Alrighty then.

SharkTrager: I love dogs, but people who refer to and treat their dogs as their "children", not so much.

The two are not remotely similar.

They are functionally equivalent if your objective is self-gratification, and most pet owners have no other objective.

They can do all they want to make thier dates that much more attractive for the Friday night dinner and movie. More power to them.

BarkingUnicorn: SharkTrager: I love dogs, but people who refer to and treat their dogs as their "children", not so much.

The two are not remotely similar.

They are functionally equivalent if your objective is self-gratification, and most pet owners have no other objective.

I'd suggest many parents don't either.

sk8r: doglover: The problem with adopting a kid is that someone else's kid will never, ever love you half as much as a dog. Hell, your own kids won't either. Even if they go out in the world and make a billion dollars and give it all to you because they love you that much, it's still only measuring in low percentiles of a dog's affection.

The plus side of the coin is that kids probably won't jump on your lap feet first then let the biggest fart of their lives out as they lay across your legs, pinning you to the sofa where you have no choice but to endure the percolated stench of the ancient canine gut flora, passed down from that great hero Broken-tooth Longstrider, the Ice Age wolf that could fell Mammoths with his flatulence and thus was able to support a pack large enough that he's the distant grandfather of all domestic canines.

So, y'know dogs will love you more but kids will smell better. It's all a matter of your priorities at that point.

English Mastiff?

She's nicer to me than the kids but dayum, do not let her get hold of people food or the SBDs will take you out.

Our GSD/pit has become a master cropduster after he's convinced guests to feed him (despite our warnings) sausages or some other fatty meat. Jeebus, that dog can clear a room.

And yet, as a former camp counselor who mainly dealt with the younger set and having much younger cousins growing up...my dogs generally still smell better for a greater length of time following their baths. That's if they don't manage to fine something dead at the lake and scent-roll.

The dog market stuff is getting out of hand. Sanitizer for your dogs paws and nose?

http://www.pawtizer.com/

rohar: BarkingUnicorn: SharkTrager: I love dogs, but people who refer to and treat their dogs as their "children", not so much.

The two are not remotely similar.

They are functionally equivalent if your objective is self-gratification, and most pet owners have no other objective.

I'd suggest many parents don't either.

There you go, then.

dickfreckle: Alexander Mouse: If you want to be worshiped, get a dog, if you want to know your place in the world, get a cat, a very humbling experience.

You enjoy being humbled by an animal that licks its asshole? You're a grown, human being, capable of complex, rational, and abstract thought. You can create. You can use tools to mold the world around you. We even sent a man to the moon.


Dogs lick butts. Children can remove diapers and suddenly find new media to create murals with. The dog is only going to leave me tootsie rolls on the floor, not the cistine chapel on the couch, the television, the bed, every little crevice their fingers can get into.

SpacemanSpoof: Let's see. Adopting a dog: walk into a pet store animal shelter that's having an adoption event, sign some papers, pay a little money, walk out with a dog. Adopting a kid: find an agency, go to months of classes, have a home study, pay tens of thousands of dollars, sit on a waiting list for a year or two, maybe wind up with a kid at the end of it all, then sit through a few more years of follow-up visits. Yeah, that's exactly the same.

FIFY......Please

Hypothetical Imperative: The entire Internet out there and the one pic that makes you "homicidal" is an image of a lady with a pug in a stroller?
Alrighty then.
That said, braces and such for dogs is kinda ridiculous.

Nah, dog in a stroller just makes me wish the owner would get cancer. But if she'd been giving that dog bottled water---death is too good for her.

MrBigglesworth: The dog market stuff is getting out of hand. Sanitizer for your dogs paws and nose?

http://www.pawtizer.com/

In 2011, Americans spent nearly $51 billion on pet care, up 5% over 2010. Link

doglover:The plus side of the coin is that kids probably won't jump on your lap feet first then let the biggest fart of their lives out as they lay across your legs, pinning you to the sofa.

You obviously haven't spent much time around children.

Is this the thread where people complain about how much I spend on my dog, and then out their own wallet-envy by projecting their own inadequacies about their peener by suggesting mine is small because I drive a hummer or a vet, depending on the day?

It's my FARKing money, so eat me. You can suck it just like my neighbor who complained because I built a US$6,000 bubinga wood doghouse with A/C. It's my money dickweed!

SevenizGud: Is this the thread where people complain about how much I spend on my dog, and then out their own wallet-envy by projecting their own inadequacies about their peener by suggesting mine is small because I drive a hummer or a vet, depending on the day?

It's my FARKing money, so eat me. You can suck it just like my neighbor who complained because I built a US$6,000 bubinga wood doghouse with A/C. It's my money dickweed!

Your money? Not for long. That Obama "CHANGE" is coming your way!

BarkingUnicorn: MrBigglesworth: The dog market stuff is getting out of hand. Sanitizer for your dogs paws and nose?
http://www.pawtizer.com/
In 2011, Americans spent nearly $51 billion on pet care, up 5% over 2010. Link

I won't go into my usual rant about consumerism, but anyone who thinks that Americans aren't out of their farking minds with the "buy-buy-BUY" mindset, take a look at this:

Total U.S. Pet Industry Expenditures
Year Billions

2012 $52.87 Estimate
2011 $50.96 Actual
2010 $48.35
2009 $45.5
2008 $43.2
2007 $41.2
2006 $38.5
2005 $36.3
2004 $34.4
2003 $32.4
2002 $29.5
2001 $28.5
1998 $23
1996 $21
1994 $17

Just......just farking stop it. You with your personalized cat collar, organic catnip, doggie manicures, specially-made dog food, teeth cleaning for your pets, specially-made douches for your delicate feminine parts (oh wait, that's mine--never mind), doggie daycare, cat treats made out of veal, and contact lens for your pets so that their eyes match.......

Stop it. You're idiots.

wademh: Why do we put ourselves through this because we always wind up with broken hearts?

Because dogs are awesome? Because we've been bred to need them just as much as they need us? Because that's just one of the responsibilities of domestication?

Sorry to hear you had to do it remotely. That's a hard row to hoe.