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   Herpetologists announce successful breeding program for Ozark Hellbenders, also known as "snot otters" and "old lasagna sides" and I have no idea what I just wrote

05 Nov 2012 01:57 PM   |   10568 clicks   |   Some Guy
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ZAZ    [TotalFark]  
This is one of those rape abortion articles we hear so much about on Fark this election season.

Let me help you with the slang.

Herpetologists study STDs. Hellbender means getting really, really drunk for a long time and regretting it later. Snot otter = penis post-ejaculation. Lasagna sides = labia post-ejaculation. You know what breeding is.

Apparently doctors can prevent the usual sterilizing effect of a serious STD so when you wake up sticky, pregnant, hungover, and infected after a weekend out you have the baby after all.

Your tax dollars at work.

05 Nov 2012 12:14 PM
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FlashHarry    [TotalFark]  
yes, but what do the derpetologists say?

05 Nov 2012 12:16 PM
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PhiloeBedoe     
What a herpetologist might look like:
i1079.photobucket.com

05 Nov 2012 12:35 PM
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Skr     
One step closer to bringing back the lizard king.

05 Nov 2012 01:59 PM
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Englebert Slaptyback     

"old lasagna sides"


Ah, yes. The failed prototype before Old Ironsides.

05 Nov 2012 02:00 PM
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Smeggy Smurf     
Hellbillies and hellbenders and herpderptology. All in a day's work in the Ozarks

05 Nov 2012 02:04 PM
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probesport     

Englebert Slaptyback: "old lasagna sides"


Ah, yes. The failed prototype before Old Ironsides.


Lasagna de flottiglia

05 Nov 2012 02:05 PM
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Comsamvimes     
Will the breeding program be narrated by a bored-sounding Gillian Anderson?

05 Nov 2012 02:06 PM
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Langdon Alger     
wasn't this that X-Files episode they banned from ever being replayed?

05 Nov 2012 02:07 PM
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vermicious k'nid     

FlashHarry: yes, but what do the derpetologists say?


Goddammitsomuch,I wanted to say that!

05 Nov 2012 02:11 PM
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JackieRabbit     

FlashHarry: yes, but what do the derpetologists say?


Vote Romney/Ryan 2012!

/Hellbenders are pretty awesome critters, but ugly as hell

05 Nov 2012 02:13 PM
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Arkanaut     

FlashHarry: yes, but what do the derpetologists say?


I dunno, let me go check WorldNetDaily.

05 Nov 2012 02:14 PM
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blatz514    [TotalFark]  
I went on a hellbender this weekend. Oy.

05 Nov 2012 02:15 PM
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I May Be Crazy But...     
Isn't that a comic book? If not, why not?

05 Nov 2012 02:15 PM
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Wrath of Heaven     
I was like 'awww cute,' but then I GIS'd : /

This is pretty cute though:
t2.gstatic.com

Judge the mightiest of cultures by the allowances afforded to its ugliest constituents.

05 Nov 2012 02:17 PM
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Valiente     
I thought this was an Ozark Hellbender:

www.themoviegourmet.com

/closely related to the Georgia Shirtlifter.
//squeal like a pig, boy!

05 Nov 2012 02:17 PM
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redlegrick     
Yet another great band name...

05 Nov 2012 02:18 PM
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Flakeloaf     

blatz514: I went on a hellbender this weekend. Oy.


A yelldown warhellbender?

05 Nov 2012 02:19 PM
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smitty04     
There are more important things than the Allegheny alligator, devil dog, mud devil, snot otter or leverian water newt that we need to worry about.
c10184100.r0.cf2.rackcdn.com
www.nps.gov

05 Nov 2012 02:19 PM
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Apos     
What a fascinating moniker for a salamander species. Thanks,subby.

05 Nov 2012 02:19 PM
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Nappy Imus     

JackieRabbit: FlashHarry: yes, but what do the derpetologists say?

Vote Romney/Ryan 2012!

/Hellbenders are pretty awesome critters, but ugly as hell


2 posts in one, dang (spits)

1: I'm from Arkansas originally and I had to look up what a Hellbender was.

2: Vote for the best candidate this year: Nobody. Change or alter the present system to put things back in balance and maybe keep them there for a few years, or why bother? Let your voice of discontent be heard by not your apathy, but your refusal to dance in this particular pageant show any longer.

Also, stuff your politics up your poodoo maker.

Also, he started it momma! :D

05 Nov 2012 02:23 PM
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Flakeloaf     

Nappy Imus:
2: Vote for the best candidate this year: Nobody.


honestysprotegee.files.wordpress.com

05 Nov 2012 02:31 PM
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scottapeshot     
jp3.r0tt.com

05 Nov 2012 02:32 PM
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JackieRabbit     

smitty04: There are more important things than the Allegheny alligator, devil dog, mud devil, snot otter or leverian water newt that we need to worry about.
[c10184100.r0.cf2.rackcdn.com image 420x236]
[www.nps.gov image 285x218]


They are very important in that they are very sensitive indicators of water quality. They are what is known as an indicator species. They require near pristine conditions. So if hellbender populations begin to decline in an area, it is time to figure out what is going on and correct it before the watershed becomes polluted.

05 Nov 2012 02:32 PM
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grimlock1972     
Am the only one when the read the fark headline and saw Ozark Hellbender and pictured and epic Moonshine tasting party?

05 Nov 2012 02:36 PM
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bingethinker    [TotalFark]  
Gives me flashbacks to the worst. Voyager episode. Ever.

05 Nov 2012 02:46 PM
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Cthulhu_is_my_homeboy     
media.giantbomb.com?

05 Nov 2012 02:48 PM
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Whatthefark     

grimlock1972: Am the only one when the read the fark headline and saw Ozark Hellbender and pictured and epic Moonshine tasting party?


I pictured a hillbilly outlaw motorcycle gang from Arkansas.

I thought "snot otters" were the guys who rode without helmets and had their boogers running across their faces and "old lasagna sides" were the nicknames they gave to their wimens vajayjays.

05 Nov 2012 02:54 PM
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HortusMatris     
Wait, there is actually a field of science called herpetology? That, + this thread, just made my day.

05 Nov 2012 02:54 PM
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Fark Rye For Many Whores     
static.desktopnexus.com
They prefer to be called shiatweasel Americans TYVM.

05 Nov 2012 02:56 PM
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Mad Mark     
I'm from the Ozarks and we have a local bluegrass band called The Hillbenders. Maybe we need a rockin' bunch of Snot Otters?

05 Nov 2012 03:22 PM
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Xcott     

smitty04: www.nps.gov


I live at the very top tippy tip of that mauve region, and the Hellbender is a rarely-ever-seen species native to our area. So I'm getting a kick, etc.

Really, I am thrilled that they made a breakthrough in breeding them, because Hellbenders are pretty awesome and should be a source of regional pride. It's like having a Jersey Devil or a Loch Ness monster, except it's a real thing. I always thought it was dumb dumb derpy dumb that Binghamton University called themselves the "Bearcats," which isn't even real. They should have called themselves the Binghamton Hellbenders, which would have been an incredibly awesome name for an athletic team, even if their namesake looked like a giant dook.

05 Nov 2012 03:22 PM
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smitty04     

JackieRabbit: smitty04: There are more important things than the Allegheny alligator, devil dog, mud devil, snot otter or leverian water newt that we need to worry about.
[c10184100.r0.cf2.rackcdn.com image 420x236]
[www.nps.gov image 285x218]

They are very important in that they are very sensitive indicators of water quality. They are what is known as an indicator species. They require near pristine conditions. So if hellbender populations begin to decline in an area, it is time to figure out what is going on and correct it before the watershed becomes polluted.


They depend on their slime coating for protection, detergents dissolve the slime. Forbid people taking baths and the problem is solved. People in Arkansas only recently discovered daily bathing.

05 Nov 2012 03:25 PM
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JackieRabbit     

smitty04: JackieRabbit: smitty04: There are more important things than the Allegheny alligator, devil dog, mud devil, snot otter or leverian water newt that we need to worry about.
[c10184100.r0.cf2.rackcdn.com image 420x236]
[www.nps.gov image 285x218]

They are very important in that they are very sensitive indicators of water quality. They are what is known as an indicator species. They require near pristine conditions. So if hellbender populations begin to decline in an area, it is time to figure out what is going on and correct it before the watershed becomes polluted.

They depend on their slime coating for protection, detergents dissolve the slime. Forbid people taking baths and the problem is solved. People in Arkansas only recently discovered daily bathing.


There's more to it than that.....

05 Nov 2012 03:28 PM
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give me doughnuts     

JackieRabbit: smitty04: JackieRabbit: smitty04: There are more important things than the Allegheny alligator, devil dog, mud devil, snot otter or leverian water newt that we need to worry about.
[c10184100.r0.cf2.rackcdn.com image 420x236]
[www.nps.gov image 285x218]

They are very important in that they are very sensitive indicators of water quality. They are what is known as an indicator species. They require near pristine conditions. So if hellbender populations begin to decline in an area, it is time to figure out what is going on and correct it before the watershed becomes polluted.

They depend on their slime coating for protection, detergents dissolve the slime. Forbid people taking baths and the problem is solved. People in Arkansas only recently discovered daily bathing.

There's more to it than that.....


Amphibians in general are good indicators of water-quality, and are bellweathers of the overall health of an ecosystem. If frogs, salamanfers, etc. are making a comeback in your area, then your local environment is healthier than it used to be. If they are on the decline, or gone, then your area is in trouble ecologically.

05 Nov 2012 03:33 PM
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give me doughnuts     
Damn. Put that "a" in "bellwether" by mistake.

05 Nov 2012 03:33 PM
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Canton     
Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...

05 Nov 2012 03:34 PM
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Goodfella     
Herptologist? Is that like someone who studies the goings-on over at Foxnewz? And when he graduates he attains the rank of Derptologist?

05 Nov 2012 03:38 PM
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smitty04     

Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...


What really gripes me is Zoos trying to breed white tigers, it is creating a breed that could never survive in the wild. They need to blend into the environment to survive.

05 Nov 2012 03:44 PM
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vudukungfu     
these are the things that live in the hoo has of the Snookes, and LiLos, and Paris' of the world.

05 Nov 2012 03:50 PM
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Canton     

smitty04: Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...

What really gripes me is Zoos trying to breed white tigers, it is creating a breed that could never survive in the wild. They need to blend into the environment to survive.


Ack. That would be positive attention, not position attention. Although perhaps positions are involved. I don't want to think about it.

And yeah, white tigers shouldn't even be a thing. That's a color mutation that doesn't last in nature, not a separate species that needs saving. But I guess a non-deformed white tiger is the charismatic opposite of a hellbender. Sad, really.

05 Nov 2012 03:52 PM
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Aidan     

Flakeloaf: blatz514: I went on a hellbender this weekend. Oy.

A yelldown warhellbender?


Awww yeah.

05 Nov 2012 03:54 PM
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starsrift     

Xcott: that mauve region


Goddamnit, am I color-blind? All I see are shades of blue.

05 Nov 2012 04:03 PM
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WorkingInParadise     
0.tqn.com

First thing I thought of...

05 Nov 2012 04:07 PM
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Catlike Typist     
They're not being bred for leather, are they?

05 Nov 2012 04:26 PM
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roc6783     

Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...


Dennis Leary: My fluffy little dog.. He's so cute- There's the problem. We only want to save the cute animals, don't we? Yeah. Why don't we just have animal auditions. Line 'em up one by one and interview them individually.

Dennis: What are you?

Otter: I'm an otter.

Dennis: And what do you do?

Otter: I swim around on my back and do cute little human things with my hands.

Dennis: You're free to go. And what are you?

Cow: I'm a cow.

Denis: Get in the farking truck, ok pal!

Cow: But I'm an animal.

Dennis: You're a baseball glove! Get on that truck!

Cow: I'm an animal, I have rights!

Dennis: (pointing at leather jacket) Yeah, here's yer farking cousin, get on the farking truck, pal!


Canton: smitty04: Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...

What really gripes me is Zoos trying to breed white tigers, it is creating a breed that could never survive in the wild. They need to blend into the environment to survive.

Ack. That would be positive attention, not position attention. Although perhaps positions are involved. I don't want to think about it.

And yeah, white tigers shouldn't even be a thing. That's a color mutation that doesn't last in nature, not a separate species that needs saving. But I guess a non-deformed white tiger is the charismatic opposite of a hellbender. Sad, really.


White tiger:
upload.wikimedia.org

Possible white tiger habitat:
im.glogster.com

Problem?


//No, I am not serious.

05 Nov 2012 04:31 PM
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carrion_luggage     
Just as long as they're not breeding shiat weasels. Those things are nasty.

05 Nov 2012 04:42 PM
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AccuJack     
Do I have to do this myself? Oh, ok.

images2.wikia.nocookie.net


SAVE THEM!

05 Nov 2012 04:50 PM
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meddleRPI     
Jesus christ, the copy-editing in that article.

05 Nov 2012 05:11 PM
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dopekitty74     

Whatthefark: grimlock1972: Am the only one when the read the fark headline and saw Ozark Hellbender and pictured and epic Moonshine tasting party?

I pictured a hillbilly outlaw motorcycle gang from Arkansas.

I thought "snot otters" were the guys who rode without helmets and had their boogers running across their faces and "old lasagna sides" were the nicknames they gave to their wimens vajayjays.


Omg, someone vote funny on this for me please?

/stupid mobile and no votingness

05 Nov 2012 05:37 PM
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