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   Wait? did Abraham Lincoln just break up with me?

12 Nov 2012 11:53 AM   |   12513 clicks   |   Slate
Showing 1-44 of 44 comments
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scottydoesntknow    [TotalFark]  
Like a stake through the heart

12 Nov 2012 11:45 AM
Clemkadidlefark     
Thomas DiLorenzo

12 Nov 2012 11:54 AM
your average maint. man     
he's just playin'

12 Nov 2012 12:01 PM
BLEMDAR     
its fake.
Theres no fresh vampire blood on the letter.

12 Nov 2012 12:03 PM
ThatGuyFromTheInternet     
I was so hoping this was from the Republican Party.

12 Nov 2012 12:04 PM
Crewmannumber6     
He still doesn't have any black friends

12 Nov 2012 12:05 PM
enderthexenocide     
dating was too complicated back then. today, all you have to do is change your facebook status to "single."

12 Nov 2012 12:10 PM
PYROY     
So glad there's a transcript, I'm not an Egyptologist.

12 Nov 2012 12:11 PM
The Irresponsible Captain     
+1 for being forced to learn cursive in school.

12 Nov 2012 12:14 PM
Walt_Jizzney     
He was gay anyways, so he was just being nice.

/It ain't called "Log Cabin'" for nuttin'!

12 Nov 2012 12:16 PM
wildcardjack     
More like a bunch of bullshiat excuses for breaking up with someone he got some strange from.and then she got clingy.

12 Nov 2012 12:18 PM
maltedmothball     
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

12 Nov 2012 12:19 PM
Man On Fire     
Lincoln said some quite unkind things about Owens' physique

Pics or GTFO.

12 Nov 2012 12:20 PM
uber humper     
I remember reading that Lincoln would often write letters to someone he was mad at, with no intention of sending them.

12 Nov 2012 12:21 PM
Mega Steve     

Walt_Jizzney: He was gay anyways, so he was just being nice.

/It ain't called "Log Cabin Jammin''" for nuttin'!


12 Nov 2012 12:23 PM
brimed03    [TotalFark]  

uber humper: I remember reading that Lincoln would often write letters to someone he was mad at, with no intention of sending them.


Twain did the same. His letter to the Connecticut power company is awesome.

12 Nov 2012 12:25 PM
Cythraul     
He's just not that into you.

12 Nov 2012 12:32 PM
hdhale     

Man On Fire: Lincoln said some quite unkind things about Owens' physique

Pics or GTFO.


www.kathleennestorowens.comView Full Size


He didn't exactly go for hot chicks, did he?

12 Nov 2012 12:32 PM
oldfarthenry    [TotalFark]  

hdhale: He didn't exactly go for hot chicks, did he?


Men chose chicks for their "sturdiness" (not beauty) back then. Remember, ladies had to fart-out around ten kids in hopes that two or three of them made it to adulthood.
Twas a cruel existence.

12 Nov 2012 12:38 PM
darth_badger     
Wasn't "splitting rails" a euphomisism for gay sex back in the good old days?

12 Nov 2012 12:45 PM
numbone     
Too bad she turned him down. She missed a great play.

12 Nov 2012 12:47 PM
NuttierThanEver     
Spew venom not at the particpant, instead focus your vitriol at the contest

12 Nov 2012 12:58 PM
JerseyTim     

oldfarthenry: hdhale: He didn't exactly go for hot chicks, did he?

Men chose chicks for their "sturdiness" (not beauty) back then. Remember, ladies had to fart-out around ten kids in hopes that two or three of them made it to adulthood.
Twas a cruel existence.


Not unlike modern day Canada.

12 Nov 2012 01:00 PM
WordyGrrl    [TotalFark]  

The Irresponsible Captain: +1 for being forced to learn cursive in school.


Indeed. We may be among the last generation who can actually read the words written by historical greats in their own personal expressive handwriting. What's the Tea Party going to do if its own people can't actually read the original US Constitution, written in the genuine hand of our Founding Fathers?

/JK.We all know they don't read it anyway.

12 Nov 2012 01:02 PM
hdhale     

oldfarthenry: hdhale: He didn't exactly go for hot chicks, did he?

Men chose chicks for their "sturdiness" (not beauty) back then. Remember, ladies had to fart-out around ten kids in hopes that two or three of them made it to adulthood.
Twas a cruel existence.


Wide birthing hips were indeed a requirement. One also wanted a woman that could maintain a home, could cook reasonably, and if she didn't henpeck you it was a bonus. Still, I sense it was more a case of Lincoln not being able to close the deal with someone of more natural beauty than such women not being available. Put another way, he could sum up what an entire nation was feeling about a massive civil war in about 2 minutes, but around a beautiful woman he came across as an idiot.

I know the feeling... *sigh*

12 Nov 2012 01:04 PM
WelldeadLink    [TotalFark]  
Wait? did Abraham Lincoln just break up with me?

You've never seen him coming around to visit, anyway.

12 Nov 2012 01:08 PM
SirTanon     
Well, he DID break up with Tom Cruise in 1865...

12 Nov 2012 01:10 PM
Forbidden Doughnut     

PYROY: So glad there's a transcript, I'm not an Egyptologist.


THIS

Lincoln's cursive is worse than mine.

/ mine's slightly above "M.D." levels, IMHO...

12 Nov 2012 01:10 PM
mbillips     
The lost reply:

Dear A (stands for Asshole) Lincoln,

You do not break up with me, gorilla face. I break up with you. The idea that you thought I might want to marry your country, no-money-having ass would be funny if it weren't so pathetic. As for moving to that hick burg where you half-assedly practice shystering, I wouldn't take a dump in Springfield, Ill., if I'd just eaten a bushel of green apples.

fark YOU!

Your most faithful and obedient servant,
Mary Owens

12 Nov 2012 01:10 PM
Summercat     

oldfarthenry: hdhale: He didn't exactly go for hot chicks, did he?

Men chose chicks for their "sturdiness" (not beauty) back then. Remember, ladies had to fart-out around ten kids in hopes that two or three of them made it to adulthood.
Twas a cruel existence.


Farting them out? No wonder child mortality was so high back then, they were doing it wrong!

12 Nov 2012 01:11 PM
mbillips     

hdhale: oldfarthenry: hdhale: He didn't exactly go for hot chicks, did he?

Men chose chicks for their "sturdiness" (not beauty) back then. Remember, ladies had to fart-out around ten kids in hopes that two or three of them made it to adulthood.
Twas a cruel existence.

Wide birthing hips were indeed a requirement. One also wanted a woman that could maintain a home, could cook reasonably, and if she didn't henpeck you it was a bonus. Still, I sense it was more a case of Lincoln not being able to close the deal with someone of more natural beauty than such women not being available. Put another way, he could sum up what an entire nation was feeling about a massive civil war in about 2 minutes, but around a beautiful woman he came across as an idiot.

I know the feeling... *sigh*


They married them for money if they could get away with it. George Washington didn't marry Martha for her birthin' hips; he married her because she was the richest widow in Virginia. Fortunately, they hit it off.

This Mary Owens chick apparently was rolling in it, which would have been a major attraction for a guy who'd been as poor as Lincoln was as a young man. Not to mention, he was enormously ambitious, and money was as useful to climbing the social and political ladder back then as it is now.

12 Nov 2012 01:14 PM
Cythraul     

mbillips: The lost reply:

Dear A (stands for Asshole) Lincoln,

You do not break up with me, gorilla face. I break up with you. The idea that you thought I might want to marry your country, no-money-having ass would be funny if it weren't so pathetic. As for moving to that hick burg where you half-assedly practice shystering, I wouldn't take a dump in Springfield, Ill., if I'd just eaten a bushel of green apples.

fark YOU!

Your most faithful and obedient servant,
Mary Owens


After reading this reply form Mary, Lincoln looks to a nearby friend who witnessed the reading and says, "Oh yeah, she wants me."

12 Nov 2012 01:18 PM
Tax Boy     
www.flixist.comView Full Size

www.sushi-tv.deView Full Size

12 Nov 2012 01:26 PM
Fark Rye For Many Whores     

mbillips: They married them for money if they could get away with it. George Washington didn't marry Martha for her birthin' hips; he married her because she was the richest widow in Virginia. Fortunately, they hit it off.


That and the inbreeding. Sweet, sweet Virginia inbreeding.

12 Nov 2012 01:34 PM
blatz514    [TotalFark]  

mbillips: The lost reply:

Dear A (stands for Asshole) Lincoln,

You do not break up with me, gorilla face. I break up with you. The idea that you thought I might want to marry your country, no-money-having ass would be funny if it weren't so pathetic. As for moving to that hick burg where you half-assedly practice shystering, I wouldn't take a dump in Springfield, Ill., if I'd just eaten a bushel of green apples.

fark YOU!

Your most faithful and obedient servant,
Mary Owens


it's not you, it's me

12 Nov 2012 02:02 PM
hdhale     

mbillips: hdhale: oldfarthenry: hdhale: He didn't exactly go for hot chicks, did he?

Men chose chicks for their "sturdiness" (not beauty) back then. Remember, ladies had to fart-out around ten kids in hopes that two or three of them made it to adulthood.
Twas a cruel existence.

Wide birthing hips were indeed a requirement. One also wanted a woman that could maintain a home, could cook reasonably, and if she didn't henpeck you it was a bonus. Still, I sense it was more a case of Lincoln not being able to close the deal with someone of more natural beauty than such women not being available. Put another way, he could sum up what an entire nation was feeling about a massive civil war in about 2 minutes, but around a beautiful woman he came across as an idiot.

I know the feeling... *sigh*

They married them for money if they could get away with it. George Washington didn't marry Martha for her birthin' hips; he married her because she was the richest widow in Virginia. Fortunately, they hit it off.

This Mary Owens chick apparently was rolling in it, which would have been a major attraction for a guy who'd been as poor as Lincoln was as a young man. Not to mention, he was enormously ambitious, and money was as useful to climbing the social and political ladder back then as it is now.


Ahh yes, money...better than beer goggles with no annoying headache the next morning, just the nagging desire to seek out undetectable poison recipes....

12 Nov 2012 02:21 PM
limeyfellow     

mbillips: hdhale: oldfarthenry: hdhale: He didn't exactly go for hot chicks, did he?

Men chose chicks for their "sturdiness" (not beauty) back then. Remember, ladies had to fart-out around ten kids in hopes that two or three of them made it to adulthood.
Twas a cruel existence.

Wide birthing hips were indeed a requirement. One also wanted a woman that could maintain a home, could cook reasonably, and if she didn't henpeck you it was a bonus. Still, I sense it was more a case of Lincoln not being able to close the deal with someone of more natural beauty than such women not being available. Put another way, he could sum up what an entire nation was feeling about a massive civil war in about 2 minutes, but around a beautiful woman he came across as an idiot.

I know the feeling... *sigh*

They married them for money if they could get away with it. George Washington didn't marry Martha for her birthin' hips; he married her because she was the richest widow in Virginia. Fortunately, they hit it off.

This Mary Owens chick apparently was rolling in it, which would have been a major attraction for a guy who'd been as poor as Lincoln was as a young man. Not to mention, he was enormously ambitious, and money was as useful to climbing the social and political ladder back then as it is now.


Of course Washington also got to hit on all his slaves too for some sexy time. Then Martha locked him out one night and that was the end of him.

12 Nov 2012 02:34 PM
gglibertine     

Cythraul: mbillips: The lost reply:

Dear A (stands for Asshole) Lincoln,

You do not break up with me, gorilla face. I break up with you. The idea that you thought I might want to marry your country, no-money-having ass would be funny if it weren't so pathetic. As for moving to that hick burg where you half-assedly practice shystering, I wouldn't take a dump in Springfield, Ill., if I'd just eaten a bushel of green apples.

fark YOU!

Your most faithful and obedient servant,
Mary Owens

After reading this reply form Mary, Lincoln looks to a nearby friend who witnessed the reading and says, "Oh yeah, she wants me."


I see no reason why Lincoln should have lacked the same talent for self-delusion from which every other man in history has suffered, though I have to admit that there is nothing on this earth that I find quite as pitiful as a man who tries to break up with me after I've already dumped him.

One time at a party I was telling a friend that I'd decided not to go out with a guy again because he was a control freak. I didn't even know he was in the room until he shoved his way over to say loudly, "Wow. It didn't work out, get over it." The following exchange ensued:

"I'm sorry, it's too late to dump me, I already broke up with you."

"Yeah, if that's your story you stick to it," he retorted.

"Dude, I told you I was done and threw you out of my apartment. There's not really much room for debate there."

"*snort* Whatever."

As he made a bit show of stalking away indignantly, most of the room was giggling.

/They usually have enough sense not to deny it to my face in front of witnesses.
//Honestly, guys, I know you're farking idiots and all, but I really like you. Don't make it any harder than it already is for me to suspend disbelief.

12 Nov 2012 02:59 PM
Cythraul     

gglibertine: Cythraul: mbillips: The lost reply:

Dear A (stands for Asshole) Lincoln,

You do not break up with me, gorilla face. I break up with you. The idea that you thought I might want to marry your country, no-money-having ass would be funny if it weren't so pathetic. As for moving to that hick burg where you half-assedly practice shystering, I wouldn't take a dump in Springfield, Ill., if I'd just eaten a bushel of green apples.

fark YOU!

Your most faithful and obedient servant,
Mary Owens

After reading this reply form Mary, Lincoln looks to a nearby friend who witnessed the reading and says, "Oh yeah, she wants me."

I see no reason why Lincoln should have lacked the same talent for self-delusion from which every other man in history has suffered, though I have to admit that there is nothing on this earth that I find quite as pitiful as a man who tries to break up with me after I've already dumped him.

One time at a party I was telling a friend that I'd decided not to go out with a guy again because he was a control freak. I didn't even know he was in the room until he shoved his way over to say loudly, "Wow. It didn't work out, get over it." The following exchange ensued:

"I'm sorry, it's too late to dump me, I already broke up with you."

"Yeah, if that's your story you stick to it," he retorted.

"Dude, I told you I was done and threw you out of my apartment. There's not really much room for debate there."

"*snort* Whatever."

As he made a bit show of stalking away indignantly, most of the room was giggling.

/They usually have enough sense not to deny it to my face in front of witnesses.
//Honestly, guys, I know you're farking idiots and all, but I really like you. Don't make it any harder than it already is for me to suspend disbelief.


You should have just responded with a near emotionless expression and said, "Yeah.. yeah, it didn't. And I'll try. Promise." And just went back to socializing as if the exchange never happened.

12 Nov 2012 03:04 PM
mbillips     

gglibertine: Cythraul: mbillips: The lost reply:

I see no reason why Lincoln should have lacked the same talent for self-delusion from which every other man in history has suffered, though I have to admit that there is nothing on this earth that I find quite as pitiful as a man who tries to break up with me after I've already dumped him.

One time at a party I was telling a friend that I'd decided not to go out with a guy again because he was a control freak. I didn't even know he was in the room until he shoved his way over to say loudly, "Wow. It didn't work out, get over it." The following exchange ensued:

"I'm sorry, it's too late to dump me, I already broke up with you."

"Yeah, if that's your story you stick to it," he retorted.

"Dude, I told you I was done and threw you out of my apartment. There's not really much room for debate there."

"*snort* Whatever."

As he made a bit show of stalking away indignantly, most of the room was giggling.

/They usually have enough sense not to deny it to my face in front of witnesses.
//Honestly, guys, I know you're farking idiots and all, but I really like you. Don't make it any harder than it already is for me to suspend disbelief.


The way you tell it makes it sound like he just didn't want you discussing the breakup to your friends at a party he was attending. "Get over it" is douche code for "Shut up, you mean biatch, you're hurting my feelings."

12 Nov 2012 09:14 PM
FlyingJ     
+ she got threatening emails from that psychobiatch hussy with runaway bride eyes, Ann Rutledge 

12 Nov 2012 09:58 PM
adeist69     

WordyGrrl: What's the Tea Party going to do if its own people can't actually read the original US Constitution, written in the genuine hand of our Founding Fathers?




I'll put the ability of my Tea Party friends to read cursive up against any Democratic Baby Daddies any day of the week.

12 Nov 2012 11:23 PM
Ambivalence    [TotalFark]  
Damn. I thought I had bad handwriting. I couldn't read half of that.

12 Nov 2012 11:40 PM
meta1hed     
shaniohilton.files.wordpress.comView Full Size


Not sure if broken up...

or just thinks I'm a great person...

13 Nov 2012 02:29 PM
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