For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.

When I put my penis in the bird, it's unsatisfactory.... Is there a way to tighten up the opening for greater pleasure?

I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity and gave him a stern talking to but is it still safe to eat?

I am doing legs. Can I boil the roasted bones for stock after the meat is eaten?

Is the turkey penis safe to eat?

Does cooking it get rid of the semen?

I should probably say now that I think it would be smart to not use crude or profane questions. These folks are actually on the job right now.

I accidentally cooked the bag of giblets still inside the bird. Is the bird safe to eat? Can I make gravy from the now-cooked giblets?

Oh sweet Jesus, here we go.

How do I firm up the turkey next for later use?

Turkey NECK damn it.

Let's say I kill a bigfoot in my backyard. What would the cooking/preparation time be in comparison with your delicious Butterball turkeys?

Has anybody ever died eating your product? Do you feel any remorse?

Can I fix the spring in the thermometer in this turkey and reuse it? Is it safe for oral/other insertion?

This turkey was labeled as a 12 lb turkey. I got it home and weighed it and it's closer to thirteen. Where do I send you a check for the difference?

Do I have to pull ALL the feather off? It just seems like a lot of work, could I just shave it instead?

CommieTaoist: I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity and gave him a stern talking to but is it still safe to eat?

that said, this sh*t is funny

kwame: For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.

Can you record it on google voice or something? Awesome idea just trying to kick it up a notch.

Is is safe to put one on your head like Mr. Bean?

Are turkeys prone to use birth control, or should one wear a contraceptive when penetration occurs?

I have decided to cook my turkey in the microwave this year to save time. Is there a way to ensure its moistness?

Was this turkey killed humanely? I hear fear makes the meat taste better. Do you offer a line of turkeys that died violent deaths?

I'm pretty good at eyeballing when the turkey is done.  Can I remove the pop-up button for use on other cakes, meats, and root vegetables?

Can turkeys fly?

Every year, per tradition, I unzip my pants, put the turkey neck there, and greet our guests. My wife says that the joke has gotten old. Is she right?

Something about the most appropriate number of turkey (mommy) stiches

I bought this turkey and got home and just now noticed the packaging says Butterboll instead of Butterball. Is this a chinese ripoff turkey? Can I still eat it?

How can I get the turkey to taste like ham? Everybody in my house likes ham better.

Turkeys CAN fly.

Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?

How often do I need to let it sit between 5minute intervals in the microwave?

Why did you change it from Constantinople?

Do I have to cook the turkey twice as long if I forgot to defrost it?

Not a question but could you do one call and act like a PETA member Kwame? I bet you could pull it off LIKE A BOSS!

I have a deep-rooted phobia about touching raw meat. I don't have a question as much as I just need you here with me while I put it in the oven. Can you be my rock?

Goddammit, ABW, I'm at work. People are staring.

/farking lol

My turkey has a bag with the liver, heart, and gizzard in it.

What do you do with the snoods?  I could really go for some tasteful snoodity.

My turkey has an extra large hole. Was it a slut? Can turkeys get STDs? How often do turkey's have sex? What does a turkey penis look like?

The cate ate some of the turkey while it was sitting out de-thawing last night, is it still good to cook?

Who cares? I sure don't.

"Can I stuff the turkey with a smaller turkey so I can enjoy turkey while I'm enjoying turkey?"

Fyi do this as 5 calls or the first question will be the only one that counts

Who grants the wishes made when breaking the wishbone?

Can I feed turkey to my dog or will he start chasing birds?

There was a hole in the bottom of the aluminum pan I used to roast the turkey, so I've lost a lot of the juice. Can I use a bottle of wine, or some apple cider to baste the turkey? Is there some other fluid you recommend?

generalDisdain: Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?

Tildo?

Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?

My wishbone was pre-broken. Can I get a refund?

imapirate: Goddammit, ABW, I'm at work. People are staring.

/farking lol

I was just going to post something to the same effect. So far this nilla ABW gots the best ones~!

Just call up and say "goble goble" over and over again.

What is the minimum oven temperature required to reanimate the bird within 4 hours?