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   How about a little pre-Thanksgiving fun? DIT

21 Nov 2012 02:00 PM   |   4866 clicks   |   Fark
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kwame     
For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.

21 Nov 2012 11:56 AM
firemanbuck     
When I put my penis in the bird, it's unsatisfactory.... Is there a way to tighten up the opening for greater pleasure?

21 Nov 2012 11:57 AM
CommieTaoist    [TotalFark]  
I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity and gave him a stern talking to but is it still safe to eat?

21 Nov 2012 11:57 AM
Purelilac    [TotalFark]  
I am doing legs. Can I boil the roasted bones for stock after the meat is eaten?

21 Nov 2012 11:57 AM
Spoon over Marin    [TotalFark]  
Is the turkey penis safe to eat?

21 Nov 2012 11:58 AM
Ponzholio    [TotalFark]  
Does cooking it get rid of the semen?

21 Nov 2012 11:58 AM
kwame     
I should probably say now that I think it would be smart to not use crude or profane questions. These folks are actually on the job right now.

21 Nov 2012 11:58 AM
Purelilac    [TotalFark]  
I accidentally cooked the bag of giblets still inside the bird. Is the bird safe to eat? Can I make gravy from the now-cooked giblets?

21 Nov 2012 11:58 AM
imapirate    [TotalFark]  
Oh sweet Jesus, here we go.

21 Nov 2012 11:58 AM
myschief    [TotalFark]  
How do I firm up the turkey next for later use?

21 Nov 2012 11:58 AM
myschief    [TotalFark]  
Turkey NECK damn it.

21 Nov 2012 11:59 AM
Adjective Bird Whiskey    [TotalFark]  
Let's say I kill a bigfoot in my backyard. What would the cooking/preparation time be in comparison with your delicious Butterball turkeys?

Has anybody ever died eating your product? Do you feel any remorse?

Can I fix the spring in the thermometer in this turkey and reuse it? Is it safe for oral/other insertion?

This turkey was labeled as a 12 lb turkey. I got it home and weighed it and it's closer to thirteen. Where do I send you a check for the difference?

21 Nov 2012 11:59 AM
Ponzholio    [TotalFark]  
Do I have to pull ALL the feather off? It just seems like a lot of work, could I just shave it instead?

21 Nov 2012 11:59 AM
kwame     

CommieTaoist: I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity and gave him a stern talking to but is it still safe to eat?


that said, this sh*t is funny

21 Nov 2012 11:59 AM
NickelP     

kwame: For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.


Can you record it on google voice or something? Awesome idea just trying to kick it up a notch.

21 Nov 2012 11:59 AM
Spoon over Marin    [TotalFark]  
Is is safe to put one on your head like Mr. Bean?

21 Nov 2012 12:00 PM
imapirate    [TotalFark]  
Are turkeys prone to use birth control, or should one wear a contraceptive when penetration occurs?

21 Nov 2012 12:00 PM
Sapper_Topo     
I have decided to cook my turkey in the microwave this year to save time. Is there a way to ensure its moistness?

21 Nov 2012 12:00 PM
Adjective Bird Whiskey    [TotalFark]  
Was this turkey killed humanely? I hear fear makes the meat taste better. Do you offer a line of turkeys that died violent deaths?

21 Nov 2012 12:00 PM
Ceteris Paribus says    [TotalFark]  
i.chzbgr.comView Full Size

21 Nov 2012 12:00 PM
brap    [TotalFark]  
I'm pretty good at eyeballing when the turkey is done.  Can I remove the pop-up button for use on other cakes, meats, and root vegetables?

21 Nov 2012 12:01 PM
Spoon over Marin    [TotalFark]  
Can turkeys fly?

21 Nov 2012 12:01 PM
Current Resident    [TotalFark]  
Every year, per tradition, I unzip my pants, put the turkey neck there, and greet our guests. My wife says that the joke has gotten old. Is she right?

21 Nov 2012 12:01 PM
NickelP     
Something about the most appropriate number of turkey (mommy) stiches

21 Nov 2012 12:01 PM
Adjective Bird Whiskey    [TotalFark]  
I bought this turkey and got home and just now noticed the packaging says Butterboll instead of Butterball. Is this a chinese ripoff turkey? Can I still eat it?

21 Nov 2012 12:01 PM
myschief    [TotalFark]  
How can I get the turkey to taste like ham? Everybody in my house likes ham better.

21 Nov 2012 12:02 PM
Ceteris Paribus says    [TotalFark]  
Turkeys CAN fly.

21 Nov 2012 12:02 PM
generalDisdain    [TotalFark]  
Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?

21 Nov 2012 12:02 PM
rostit    [TotalFark]  
How often do I need to let it sit between 5minute intervals in the microwave?

21 Nov 2012 12:02 PM
Ponzholio    [TotalFark]  
Why did you change it from Constantinople?

21 Nov 2012 12:02 PM
CatherineM    [TotalFark]  
Do I have to cook the turkey twice as long if I forgot to defrost it?

21 Nov 2012 12:02 PM
Sapper_Topo     
Not a question but could you do one call and act like a PETA member Kwame? I bet you could pull it off LIKE A BOSS!

21 Nov 2012 12:02 PM
Adjective Bird Whiskey    [TotalFark]  
I have a deep-rooted phobia about touching raw meat. I don't have a question as much as I just need you here with me while I put it in the oven. Can you be my rock?

21 Nov 2012 12:02 PM
imapirate    [TotalFark]  
Goddammit, ABW, I'm at work. People are staring.

/farking lol

21 Nov 2012 12:02 PM
brap    [TotalFark]  
My turkey has a bag with the liver, heart, and gizzard in it.

What do you do with the snoods?  I could really go for some tasteful snoodity.

21 Nov 2012 12:02 PM
myschief    [TotalFark]  
My turkey has an extra large hole. Was it a slut? Can turkeys get STDs? How often do turkey's have sex? What does a turkey penis look like?

21 Nov 2012 12:02 PM
EviLincoln    [TotalFark]  
The cate ate some of the turkey while it was sitting out de-thawing last night, is it still good to cook?

21 Nov 2012 12:03 PM
monty666    [TotalFark]  
Who cares? I sure don't.

21 Nov 2012 12:03 PM
MBK    [TotalFark]  
"Can I stuff the turkey with a smaller turkey so I can enjoy turkey while I'm enjoying turkey?"

21 Nov 2012 12:03 PM
Ceteris Paribus says    [TotalFark]  
idiotflashback.files.wordpress.comView Full Size

21 Nov 2012 12:03 PM
NickelP     
Fyi do this as 5 calls or the first question will be the only one that counts

21 Nov 2012 12:03 PM
Current Resident    [TotalFark]  
Who grants the wishes made when breaking the wishbone?

21 Nov 2012 12:03 PM
myschief    [TotalFark]  
Can I feed turkey to my dog or will he start chasing birds?

21 Nov 2012 12:03 PM
Timanous     
There was a hole in the bottom of the aluminum pan I used to roast the turkey, so I've lost a lot of the juice. Can I use a bottle of wine, or some apple cider to baste the turkey? Is there some other fluid you recommend?

21 Nov 2012 12:03 PM
rostit    [TotalFark]  

generalDisdain: Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?


Tildo?

21 Nov 2012 12:04 PM
vegaswench    [TotalFark]  
Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?

21 Nov 2012 12:04 PM
Spoon over Marin    [TotalFark]  
My wishbone was pre-broken. Can I get a refund?

21 Nov 2012 12:04 PM
Sapper_Topo     

imapirate: Goddammit, ABW, I'm at work. People are staring.

/farking lol


I was just going to post something to the same effect. So far this nilla ABW gots the best ones~!

21 Nov 2012 12:04 PM
atlfarkette    [TotalFark]  
Just call up and say "goble goble" over and over again.

21 Nov 2012 12:04 PM
wxboy     
What is the minimum oven temperature required to reanimate the bird within 4 hours?

21 Nov 2012 12:04 PM
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