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   Police call body found shot in the head, tied up in a sack, and floating in a river, a "complex suicide"

23 Nov 2012 01:02 PM   |   6970 clicks   |   Foobies
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vpb    [TotalFark]  
Maybe he just stole more rocks than he could swim with?

23 Nov 2012 09:48 AM
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robsul82    [TotalFark]  
Lotta ins, lotta outs. Fortunately they're adhering to a very strict drug regimen to keep their minds, you know, limber.

23 Nov 2012 12:27 PM
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DAR    [TotalFark]  
That's Some Damn Fine Police Work, Lou........k/dar

23 Nov 2012 12:56 PM
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jimmyego    [TotalFark]  
Obviously a brilliant strategy to save some paperwork and make the solved crimes numbers look good.

23 Nov 2012 01:04 PM
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Billy Bathsalt     
Apparently the guy really had it in for himself.

23 Nov 2012 01:07 PM
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ConConHead     
He must have been trying to one-up the socialite who "hung" herself in the middle of that divorce procedure in San Diego. (I think?)

23 Nov 2012 01:08 PM
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Pants full of macaroni!!     
1.bp.blogspot.com

Amused.

23 Nov 2012 01:10 PM
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A Shambling Mound     
i.imgur.com

What can I say? The guy locked himself in the trunk and shot himself 12 times.

23 Nov 2012 01:12 PM
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craxyd     
Maybe he pissed off Hillary Clinton

23 Nov 2012 01:16 PM
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SDRR     
The body of 43-year-old Uwe Sattler was found in the River Elbe in July by a fisherman. He was wearing a rucksack full of rocks and had been shot in the head and put into a sack fastened with cable ties before he hit the water.

"We are 99.999 percent certain it was suicide," a Hamburg police spokeswoman told The Local.

"There is no other explanation; no other motive and no other evidence."


You're farking kidding me, right? RIGHT?

23 Nov 2012 01:18 PM
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YouPeopleAreCrazy     
"We are 99.999 percent certain it was suicide cutting to our snack time," a Hamburg police spokeswoman told The Local.

23 Nov 2012 01:18 PM
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bentleypm     
His friends just call him bob.

23 Nov 2012 01:20 PM
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Professor Pickles     
farm2.staticflickr.com

VEE DO NAHT HAVE A CRIME PROBLEM, ZIS IS MERELY A VERY COMPLEX SUICIDE. I WILL HEAR NO FURTHER ACCUZATIONS ABOUT ZE GERMAN PEOPLE! NUSSING BAD EVER HAPPENED!

23 Nov 2012 01:21 PM
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Millennium     
The only thing I see that doesn't add up here is that the gun was never found. Tie yourself up in a sack with a gun, stand on the edge of a bridge with your back facing out, and shoot yourself in the head: that'll produce almost this exact scenario, and it's not too difficult to accomplish. But there's a catch: when they find the sack with you in it, they'll find the gun in the sack.

That's what ultimately leads me to think that this cannot be entirely the guy's own doing. I can see one other scenario where it's suicide: the guy shoots himself in the head, then someone else comes across the body, panics, puts it in a sack, and throws it in the river. But even in this case, an investigation is still needed: who found the body?

23 Nov 2012 01:24 PM
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Amos Quito     
FTA: " "It just goes to show, there is nothing that does not exist," the police spokeswoman said."

Now there's a quotable quote.

23 Nov 2012 01:24 PM
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lyndsayj     
Pity it wasn't Uwe Boll.

Also, are the police really that farking stupid?

23 Nov 2012 01:29 PM
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Ego edo infantia cattus     
The last sentence:"The investigation has been put on ice, but the case remains open."

HAHAHAHA! Awesome. even the author couldn't resist a joke.

23 Nov 2012 01:29 PM
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Keizer_Ghidorah     
And people wonder why we look down on the police.

23 Nov 2012 01:29 PM
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ltdanman44     
where is the gun? Without it, you can't call this a suicide

23 Nov 2012 01:30 PM
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Day_Old_Dutchie     

ltdanman44: where is the gun? Without it, you can't call this a suicide


s9.postimage.org

23 Nov 2012 01:33 PM
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schrepjm     
...the Aristocrats?

23 Nov 2012 01:38 PM
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Diogenes Teufelsdrockh     
Well...that explains why Germany has such a "low" murder rate.

Keep this story in mind the next time, of many previous times, someone uses that country as an argument against the US re:violence.

23 Nov 2012 01:40 PM
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Pardon Me Sultan     
"It's 99.999 percent certain that the victim carefully reached out of the tied bag full of rocks hovering over the water and shot himself in the head so the gun fell beside the bag..."

"...but instead of staying behind, the gun vanished"

Well, to me the obvious murder suspect would be whoever it was who tried to pass this off as suicide.

23 Nov 2012 01:43 PM
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Amos Quito     

Pardon Me Sultan: "It's 99.999 percent certain that the victim carefully reached out of the tied bag full of rocks hovering over the water and shot himself in the head so the gun fell beside the bag..."

"...but instead of staying behind, the gun vanished"

Well, to me the obvious murder suspect would be whoever it was who tried to pass this off as suicide.



The cops did it.

23 Nov 2012 01:48 PM
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Dansker     

SDRR: The body of 43-year-old Uwe Sattler was found in the River Elbe in July by a fisherman. He was wearing a rucksack full of rocks and had been shot in the head and put into a sack fastened with cable ties before he hit the water.

"We are 99.999 percent certain it was suicide," a Hamburg police spokeswoman told The Local.

"There is no other explanation; no other motive and no other evidence."

You're farking kidding me, right? RIGHT?


1: Find incline in landscape leading to water in undisturbed location.
2: Fill rucksack with rucks, climb inside bag, kneel down, tie bag from the inside, shoot self in head, roll down incline, disappear in water.
3: ...
4: Commit the cleanest possible suicide and avoid leaving grim discovery and/or nasty clean up job for others

Addendum 1.a: IMPORTANT Check gun and ammunition before 2.


What? No of course I haven't read the article.

23 Nov 2012 01:49 PM
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Benjimin_Dover     

Millennium: The only thing I see that doesn't add up here is that the gun was never found. Tie yourself up in a sack with a gun, stand on the edge of a bridge with your back facing out, and shoot yourself in the head: that'll produce almost this exact scenario, and it's not too difficult to accomplish. But there's a catch: when they find the sack with you in it, they'll find the gun in the sack.

That's what ultimately leads me to think that this cannot be entirely the guy's own doing. I can see one other scenario where it's suicide: the guy shoots himself in the head, then someone else comes across the body, panics, puts it in a sack, and throws it in the river. But even in this case, an investigation is still needed: who found the body?


That was covered in the story. They claim he stuck his arm through the bag opening as it was big enough. Fire the gun and it falls to the water.

That of course still leaves the catch of his arm not being outside the bag when found.

23 Nov 2012 01:58 PM
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tiamet4     
images.contactmusic.com
Are they sure he didn't fall down an elevator shaft onto some bullets as well?

23 Nov 2012 02:01 PM
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spawn73     
It doesn't sound like they saved any time by ruling it a suicide. They still searched for the gun and tried to track down anyone who knew him.

Also, he had left what amounted to a suicide note in his apartment (instructions to what should be done with his belongings).

23 Nov 2012 02:07 PM
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Dansker     

Amos Quito: FTA: " "It just goes to show, there is nothing that does not exist," the police spokeswoman said."

Now there's a quotable quote.


Maybe it sounds better in German. Oh, who am I kidding, everything sounds better in German!
Fröhliche Erntedankfest, y'all! Enjoy your Truthahn in joy and good health, surrounded by loved ones or family, whichever applies.

23 Nov 2012 02:08 PM
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ObscureNameHere     
Dinsdale?

23 Nov 2012 02:14 PM
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girlwiththedraggintutu     
Clearly, this was an assisted suicide.

23 Nov 2012 02:27 PM
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Mock26     
Reminds me of some comedian years ago who was reading newspaper clippings, and one was a suicide where a guy shot himself 7 times with a single shot bolt action rifle!

23 Nov 2012 02:28 PM
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Oldiron_79     
Mock26: Reminds me of some comedian years ago who was reading newspaper clippings, and one was a suicide where a guy shot himself 7 times with a single shot bolt action rifle!

Back and to the left, back and to the left

23 Nov 2012 02:33 PM
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semiotix    [TotalFark]  
Today, I'm going to work on drawing up a suicide plan so complex and far-reaching that entire governments will be wrongly implicated. How did my head end up in the diplomatic pouch at the U.S. Interests section of the Swiss embassy in Havana? Why was the bullet in my torso an exact ballistic match for the gun that killed President Garfield? Just who was it that built the plywood forms and poured the concrete blocks that contained each of my hands, and then arranged for them to be formally entered into evidence in the ongoing trial of a high-profile mafia don? And why do the mysterious radioactive isotopes that emanate faintly from my various body parts match no known spectrographic profile?

I mean, I hope I don't have to use it, but I'd want to have the satisfaction of knowing it was going to fark with everybody's head.

23 Nov 2012 02:34 PM
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Dansker     

semiotix: Today, I'm going to work...


I, for one, salute your efforts, even if nobody should publicly advocate, endorse or associate with such a plan/scheme/undertaking.

23 Nov 2012 02:47 PM
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semiotix    [TotalFark]  

Dansker: semiotix: Today, I'm going to work...

I, for one, salute your efforts, even if nobody should publicly advocate, endorse or associate with such a plan/scheme/undertaking.


You fool! You just became the only patsy I need.

(Mods, please delete this post if and when I kick off, so as to implicate Dansker.)

23 Nov 2012 02:50 PM
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jimmyego    [TotalFark]  

Amos Quito: FTA: " "It just goes to show, there is nothing that does not exist," the police spokeswoman said."

Now there's a quotable quote.


She is the Donald Rumsfeld of Hamburg's Policewomen.

23 Nov 2012 02:52 PM
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Dansker     

semiotix: Dansker: semiotix: Today, I'm going to work...

I, for one, salute your efforts, even if nobody should publicly advocate, endorse or associate with such a plan/scheme/undertaking.

You fool! You just became the only patsy I need.

(Mods, please delete this post if and when I kick off, so as to implicate Dansker.)


Aw, crap, not again!

23 Nov 2012 02:55 PM
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Tatterdemalian     
He made someone mad at him. Here in Ankh-Morpork, we call that "suicide."

/I never wanted to live in Ankh-Morpork
//sadly, it seems there's nowhere else left to live

23 Nov 2012 03:09 PM
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lucksi     
Now that is some maximum trolling if the guy really ofed himself.

23 Nov 2012 03:11 PM
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chumbucket     
Where is Dirk Gently when you need him?

23 Nov 2012 03:54 PM
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HoratioGates     
Chief Tinkler: What can assume from the fact that he was stabbed, strangled, shot, suffocated, and bludgeoned?
Jodie: That he didn't commit suicide.
Chief Tinkler: We can assume that Peter Campbell either had many killers or he had one killer who really hated his guts.

23 Nov 2012 03:55 PM
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FeatheredSun     
So y'know how locations advertise to bring in new business...like tourism or big/rich companies...

So this seems like the Hamburg Police Dept's ad to bring in organized crime and assassination business - "Come to Hamburg...where we value you're bribery. Let us show you some of our cover-up option packages..."

23 Nov 2012 04:08 PM
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cretinbob     
Anything to get out of doing paper work.

23 Nov 2012 04:59 PM
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Loren     

Millennium: The only thing I see that doesn't add up here is that the gun was never found. Tie yourself up in a sack with a gun, stand on the edge of a bridge with your back facing out, and shoot yourself in the head: that'll produce almost this exact scenario, and it's not too difficult to accomplish. But there's a catch: when they find the sack with you in it, they'll find the gun in the sack.

That's what ultimately leads me to think that this cannot be entirely the guy's own doing. I can see one other scenario where it's suicide: the guy shoots himself in the head, then someone else comes across the body, panics, puts it in a sack, and throws it in the river. But even in this case, an investigation is still needed: who found the body?


But the cops said there was just enough space for him to have reached out to shoot himself. The only issue is where's the gun--but that could be someone found it, Hey, free gun.

Alternately, perhaps he arranged something that tossed the gun into the water afterwards--say, tie the gun to something over the water, use something flammable. Connect a fuse to that, light fuse. After the shot the gun will be hanging, when the fuse burns down the rope fails and drops the gun into the water. The remaining rope burns up, all that's left on land is a burn mark wherever the rope was tied.

He might not even have had his arm outside. I'm thinking of a case from a fictional TV show but it certainly could be done--the guy fired the gun by means of a string. He had previously lit the string so the cops found the gun but the shot was from too far away to be self-inflicted.

spawn73: It doesn't sound like they saved any time by ruling it a suicide. They still searched for the gun and tried to track down anyone who knew him.

Also, he had left what amounted to a suicide note in his apartment (instructions to what should be done with his belongings).


Yeah. Every so often we see these elaborate pretend-suicide-is-a-murder cases. Based on the article I agree with the cops on this.

Mock26: Reminds me of some comedian years ago who was reading newspaper clippings, and one was a suicide where a guy shot himself 7 times with a single shot bolt action rifle!


Long ago I ran into a paramedic who had rolled on such a case. 7 shots to the head. Not only was the guy not dead but he was still in good enough shape that he was the one who called for help because it hurt too much. .22 rifle + alcohol = zero penetrations of the skull.

23 Nov 2012 06:35 PM
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NephilimNexus     
Nice to see that the mob keeps the cops there so well paid.

24 Nov 2012 05:56 PM
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