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   Man arrested for assaulting wife with his penis after she refused to have sex with him. After reviewing the briefs, judge drops assault with deadly weapon charge and turns case over to small claims court

24 Nov 2012 01:20 PM   |   10317 clicks   |   Daily Mail
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FirstNationalBastard    [TotalFark]  
Cockslap!

Of course, at 62, he probably could have used his testicles like a bag of oranges to beat her with.

24 Nov 2012 12:12 PM
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Indolent    [TotalFark]  

FirstNationalBastard: Cockslap!

Of course, at 62, he probably could have used his testicles like a bag of oranges to beat her with.


LOL! +1

24 Nov 2012 12:27 PM
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MaudlinMutantMollusk    [TotalFark]  
He could get the chair for this

/the slatted one

24 Nov 2012 12:41 PM
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Relatively Obscure    [TotalFark]  
That's a dick move.

24 Nov 2012 01:01 PM
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NewportBarGuy    [TotalFark]  
Was it detachable?

24 Nov 2012 01:20 PM
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Semantic Warrior     
Defending, Justin Andrus said Thomas was tremendously upset that his marriage of 39 years was ending.
He said his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online.
'This was not his normal conduct,' Andrus told Justice Jeffrey Hjelm during the sentencing hearing in Knox County Superior Court.


Which part isn't normal conduct? The penile battery, or a woman willingly going to Pakistan for a man she met online?

24 Nov 2012 01:23 PM
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iheartscotch    [TotalFark]  
Bailiff, whack his pee-pee.

/ and not in a good way

24 Nov 2012 01:23 PM
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diaphoresis     

Indolent: FirstNationalBastard: Cockslap!

Of course, at 62, he probably could have used his testicles like a bag of oranges to beat her with.

LOL! +1


+1

also, good for her for moving on with her life... who needs a **** like that...?

24 Nov 2012 01:24 PM
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spentshells     
Oh shes upset about a peen slap .... she should have a great time in Pakistan I hear they really treat the ladies well over there.

24 Nov 2012 01:28 PM
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The Angry Hand of God     
I heard there was retaliation.

blogs.crikey.com.au

24 Nov 2012 01:29 PM
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I'm an excellent driver     
FTA: The incident in July in the town of Warren happened when his wife of 39 years, who was estranged from him, stayed at his home.

/I'll take mangling the English language for 200, please Alex.

24 Nov 2012 01:29 PM
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Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom     
After 39 years just let her go to Pakistan, man.

24 Nov 2012 01:35 PM
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Relatively Obscure    [TotalFark]  

I'm an excellent driver: FTA: The incident in July in the town of Warren happened when his wife of 39 years, who was estranged from him, stayed at his home.

/I'll take mangling the English language for 200, please Alex.


It's nice of you to please Alex.

24 Nov 2012 01:36 PM
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Pribar    [TotalFark]  
One time I streaked a home & garden show, instead of calling the cops the damn biddies gave me first prize for best dried arrangement.

/they said the evidence wouldn't stand up in court

24 Nov 2012 01:38 PM
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Wolf Flywheel     
Hey subby. You forgot to add "Tah-dah!"

24 Nov 2012 01:42 PM
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Dutch Pilsner     

Rufus Lee King: "Goin' downtown, gonna see my gal..."


"gonna sing her a song"...

24 Nov 2012 01:43 PM
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phil her craken     
He was just trying to give her a mushroom tattoo

24 Nov 2012 01:46 PM
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gdtredmtn     
That should have read "assault with a friendly weapon"

24 Nov 2012 01:51 PM
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Nothing To See Here     
Charges reduced to Assault With A Friendly Weapon.

24 Nov 2012 01:52 PM
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Nothing To See Here     

gdtredmtn: That should have read "assault with a friendly weapon"


Damn you.

24 Nov 2012 01:52 PM
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The Angry Hand of God     
Poor Prosecutors perplexed over Pakistani Purple Pecker Punching. Probation possible.

24 Nov 2012 01:58 PM
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limboslam    [TotalFark]  
i486.photobucket.com
...Also wanted for questioning...

24 Nov 2012 01:58 PM
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lawsucks     
Actual punchline: Found guilty of lesser included offense of Assault with a Dead Weapon.

/hihat

24 Nov 2012 02:07 PM
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Amos Quito     
Fred Thomas should have minded his John Thomas...

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?

24 Nov 2012 02:11 PM
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DownDaRiver    [TotalFark]  
You people in Britland are very strange

24 Nov 2012 02:18 PM
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Loren     
Sure it wasn't assault with a dead weapon?

24 Nov 2012 02:19 PM
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brantgoose    [TotalFark]  
I would also accept charges of:

public eyesore
attractive nuisance**
failure to restrain a pet
solicitation
failure to provide the necessities of life
whipping a dead horse
aggravated assault
felonious thunk
not keeping your junk in the trunk
letting out the munk
letting out the chipmunk
getting clunky with the funk

OK. I went silly there at the end, but I'm sure he could have been charged more imaginatively.

You try to do better. Go on. I dare you! Buck, buck, buck, buck!

24 Nov 2012 02:21 PM
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gravebayne2    [TotalFark]  
www.fe-online.co.uk

Deedle-deedle-dee


/ might be a bit obscure if you aren't in the know.

24 Nov 2012 02:25 PM
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skinink     
"He said his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online."

Unfortunately for the sex hating ex, the Pakistan guy's name is Osama bin Hardon.

24 Nov 2012 02:27 PM
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JonZoidberg     
It says she was leaving him after 39 years of marriage to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online. Let her go man, she will wish she was back with you very soon.

24 Nov 2012 02:27 PM
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The Angry Hand of God     
The only time I wasted 39 years for a Pakistani man was calling Dell's technical support.

24 Nov 2012 02:31 PM
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wambu     

Nothing To See Here: gdtredmtn: That should have read "assault with a friendly weapon"

Damn you.


Good enough to repeat.

24 Nov 2012 02:31 PM
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the_rhino     
Did he discharge the weapon?

24 Nov 2012 02:38 PM
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LordBollocks     

24 Nov 2012 02:39 PM
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Fark Rye For Many Whores     
Apparently this is NSFW by our rules around here.

24 Nov 2012 02:44 PM
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Billy Bathsalt     
Disturbing GIF x 2.

24 Nov 2012 02:49 PM
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Electrify     
HOTY candidate right there.

/bravo subby

24 Nov 2012 02:57 PM
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MagSeven     

LordBollocks: TURKEY SLAP !! (NSFW)


I've heard that referred to as "The Lombardi Slap".

24 Nov 2012 02:59 PM
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gdtredmtn     

Nothing To See Here: gdtredmtn: That should have read "assault with a friendly weapon"

Damn you.


Missed it by thaaaat much

or

Great minds think alike

Your choice

24 Nov 2012 02:59 PM
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GreenSun     
That must have been one massive cock if he was able to use it as a weapon on her.

24 Nov 2012 03:08 PM
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phojo1946     
judge changed the charges to assault with a dead weapon?

24 Nov 2012 03:16 PM
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olddinosaur     
They should have charged him for assault with a dead weapon.

24 Nov 2012 04:31 PM
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Porous Horace     
I'm not one for commiting crimes but having "got in trouble for slapping someone with his cock" on my permanent record I might not mind so much.

Also, I thought women liked that sort of thing.

24 Nov 2012 05:00 PM
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Clemkadidlefark     
Immediately recruited by Vivid ...

24 Nov 2012 05:11 PM
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Day_Old_Dutchie     

JonZoidberg: It says she was leaving him after 39 years of marriage to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online. Let her go man, she will wish she was back with you very soon.


Yeah, going to meet a man in a culture where women are considered property and disfigured or stoned to death if they misbehave. Shows REAL intelligence, there.

24 Nov 2012 06:52 PM
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Ima4nic8or     
Sorry feminazis but it is not possible for a husband to "assault" his wife with his penis. If she is his wife then frequent contact with his penis is sort of part of the deal. Similarly a man cant rape his own wife. Sex with him is just a normal part of her role. If he forces her to have sex against her will then he is certainly a dickhead and I would feel for any woman in that situation but it just isnt rape.

24 Nov 2012 07:46 PM
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CapeFearCadaver    [TotalFark]  

Ima4nic8or: Sorry feminazis but it is not possible for a husband to "assault" his wife with his penis. If she is his wife then frequent contact with his penis is sort of part of the deal. Similarly a man cant rape his own wife. Sex with him is just a normal part of her role. If he forces her to have sex against her will then he is certainly a dickhead and I would feel for any woman in that situation but it just isnt rape.


I've read enough of your posts throughout the years yet still fail to recognize if you're trolling or not, regardless... you should move to Pakistan, I hear they take pretty kindly to this sort of view of marriage and women.

Oh, and if you are serious, I hope you get farked against your will with the business end of a baseball bat.

24 Nov 2012 08:01 PM
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SalsaConQueso     
Guess he wasn't aware that the penis mightier.

24 Nov 2012 08:07 PM
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Somaticasual     

CapeFearCadaver: Ima4nic8or: Sorry feminazis but it is not possible for a husband to "assault" his wife with his penis. If she is his wife then frequent contact with his penis is sort of part of the deal. Similarly a man cant rape his own wife. Sex with him is just a normal part of her role. If he forces her to have sex against her will then he is certainly a dickhead and I would feel for any woman in that situation but it just isnt rape.

I've read enough of your posts throughout the years yet still fail to recognize if you're trolling or not, regardless... you should move to Pakistan, I hear they take pretty kindly to this sort of view of marriage and women.

Oh, and if you are serious, I hope you get farked against your will with the business end of a baseball bat.


On the upside, it would be the most appropriate username in history if they aren't trolling. (phonetically)

24 Nov 2012 11:19 PM
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StoPPeRmobile     
FTFA: "A third charge of unlawful sexual contact was dismissed."

Thank God!

/amen

25 Nov 2012 04:28 AM
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