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   What do a Smith & Wesson .38 revolver and a pumpkin have in common in Stockton, California? Using either one can get you a charge of assault with a deadly weapon

25 Nov 2012 02:25 AM   |   3547 clicks   |   CBS Sacramento
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Amos Quito     
upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size


media.comicvine.comView Full Size



Round up the usual suspects.

24 Nov 2012 11:02 PM
Bathia_Mapes    [TotalFark]  
Squashed!

24 Nov 2012 11:08 PM
Lionel Mandrake    [TotalFark]  
Pumpkins could be pretty lethal

jschumacher.typepad.comView Full Size

24 Nov 2012 11:22 PM
GGracie     
Death by pumpkin?
That would be messy with all of the seeds. But as long as you didn't mix any blood into the seeds you could probably still roast them and eat them later.

25 Nov 2012 01:00 AM
log_jammin     
I would just like to say how much I hate web pages that let you read a sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place....

25 Nov 2012 02:31 AM
Fista-Phobia     
Nothing. Can I shoot subby in the face with a tree eighty?

25 Nov 2012 02:32 AM
Awesome T-Shirt     

log_jammin: I would just like to say how much I hate web pages that let you read a sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place....


Get Adblock.

25 Nov 2012 02:33 AM
fusillade762    [TotalFark]  
I can easily see a whole (un-carved, not a jack-o-lantern) pumpkin doing some serious damage.

25 Nov 2012 02:36 AM
othmar     
did they fill out patient forms? it sounds industrious.

25 Nov 2012 02:38 AM
davidphogan     

fusillade762: I can easily see a whole (un-carved, not a jack-o-lantern) pumpkin doing some serious damage.


Thrown out of a car going 40 mph, yeah, that seems like a bad idea.

25 Nov 2012 02:42 AM
Notabunny    [TotalFark]  

Awesome T-Shirt: log_jammin: I would just like to say how much I hate web pages that let you read a sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place....

Get Adblock.


No, it's a story about Stockton. It's dodging.

25 Nov 2012 02:43 AM
REO-Weedwagon     
You better go out and buy all the pumpkins you can find before Obama bans them.

25 Nov 2012 02:52 AM
Apos     

Amos Quito: [upload.wikimedia.org image 250x320]

[media.comicvine.com image 502x600]


Round up the usual suspects.


Done in one.

25 Nov 2012 02:52 AM
KrispyKritter     

Fista-Phobia: Nothing. Can I shoot subby in the face with a tree eighty?


tree eighty it is. i take you to a wallmart i know, get hole box of whammo for tree fiddy.

25 Nov 2012 02:52 AM
hodge-podge     
A year or two after 9/11, one of the parties involved in a road rage incident threw a plastic drink container through an open window of the other car.
I forget the exact wording of the charges, but it was something along the lines of 'invoking a terrorist threat' because they 'launched a projectile'.

/at first I lol'd, but then I had a sad.

25 Nov 2012 02:56 AM
L33t Squirrel     
How terrible, a drive-by fruiting. :(

/only in Stockton
//we grow both food and crazy out here

25 Nov 2012 03:01 AM
Spartan_Manhandler     
the 51-year-old woman took a Thanksgiving stroll on Wilson Way near Roosevelt Street

There's your problem right there. If you must travel on Wilson Way, it should be at a high rate of speed in a heavily armored German vehicle.

25 Nov 2012 03:01 AM
grimlock1972     
who throws pumpkins ? Honestly?
/eyes the green goblin
/runs like hell.

25 Nov 2012 03:12 AM
lousyskater     
I'd be surprised if it didn't happen in Stockton.

/lives in Rio Vista
//I can feel the crazy from here

25 Nov 2012 03:14 AM
nburghmatt     

L33t Squirrel: How terrible, a drive-by fruiting. :(


at least they didn't have a pointed stick.

25 Nov 2012 03:14 AM
The_Sponge    [TotalFark]  
What are two things that have never been in my kitchen?

25 Nov 2012 03:16 AM
Homegrown     
I threw up a gang sign at a young gentlemen with a lovely face tattoo as he walked along Wilson...while driving in my gay blue Prius.

/I heard that you were gangsta. I am pretty gangsta myself.

25 Nov 2012 03:21 AM
StokeyBob     
Must have been one of those smart pumpkins.

25 Nov 2012 03:27 AM
StoPPeRmobile     
Yeah, so, reading the first line and...

On one side:
cbssacramento.files.wordpress.comView Full Size


And cheerleaders in the right. Site won't let me post, easily.

25 Nov 2012 03:31 AM
lokis_mentor    [TotalFark]  
I thought snooki lived in Jersey



Did the victim almost die from smoosh smoosh?

25 Nov 2012 03:34 AM
Ryker's Peninsula     
I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .38 Revolver, the oldest handgun in the world, and would maybe blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, pumpkin?

25 Nov 2012 04:20 AM
Gyrfalcon     
Thank god it wasn't a banana.

25 Nov 2012 04:25 AM
Britney Spear's Speculum     
Hey, hey, hey, I had friends on that death star....

www.fantasypumpkins.comView Full Size

25 Nov 2012 04:26 AM
crabsno termites     

Homegrown: I threw up a gang sign at a young gentlemen with a lovely face tattoo as he walked along Wilson...while driving in my gay blue Prius.

/I heard that you were gangsta. I am pretty gangsta myself.


Don't eat that shiat to begin with.

25 Nov 2012 04:29 AM
calaan     

Notabunny: Awesome T-Shirt: log_jammin: I would just like to say how much I hate web pages that let you read a sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place....

Get Adblock.

No, it's a story about Stockton. It's dodging.


As a Stockton native, I can say this is damn funny, and painfully accurate. There used to be a slogan painted on the water tower as you drove into town:
"Stockton is Great! Take a look!" We always wanted to paint an addendum to that:
"And duck"

25 Nov 2012 04:33 AM
Ed Grubermann    [TotalFark]  
Yay! Stockton, California! A complete and utter shiathole. Glad I moved the hell out of there.

25 Nov 2012 04:38 AM
Ed Grubermann    [TotalFark]  

L33t Squirrel: How terrible, a drive-by fruiting. :(

/only in Stockton
//we grow both food and crazy out here


It's the heat and chemical fertilizer. At least you don't have the slaughterhouse and the sugar beet plant like Tracy does.

25 Nov 2012 04:40 AM
Jim_Callahan     

Britney Spear's Speculum: Hey, hey, hey, I had friends on that death star....

[www.fantasypumpkins.com image 600x555]


That's no Pumpkin...

25 Nov 2012 05:01 AM
foxyshadis     

L33t Squirrel: How terrible, a drive-by fruiting. :(

/only in Stockton
//we grow both food and crazy out here


This drive-by gourding scourge has to be smashed immediately.

4.bp.blogspot.comView Full Size

25 Nov 2012 05:14 AM
Zorkthemadman     
use one of these instead

media1.keepbusy.netView Full Size

25 Nov 2012 07:48 AM
Feral_and_Preposterous     
Wow. I definitely can see how they could be charged with assault with a deadly weapon for this. I think there needs to be a chart to let us know at what speeds different kinds of fruits and vegetables cross the threshold from simple assault to assault with a deadly weapon.

Fruits / Vegetables / Tubers= assault with a deadly weapon at listed speeds:
Standing still:
Watermelon, frozen
County Fair Pumpkin, giant
Banana, wielded by self-defense trainee

2MPH:
Durian

10 MPH:
Canteloupe
Honeydew
Watermelon
Pineapple
Pumpkin, head-sized or bigger

20 MPH:
The cute little baby pineapples they sell now
Personal sized watermelons
Grapefruit, sack of
Oranges, sack of
Sweet Potato
Baking potato
New potatoes, sack of
Winter melon


30 MPH:
Richard Simmons

40 MPH:
Clementines, sack of
Cucumber (may also be filed under rape / attempted rape)
Limes, sack of
Lemons, sack of
Turnip, bigger than Baldrick's head

50 MPH:
Eggplant / aubergine
Key Limes, sack of

60 MPH:
Zucchini
Chayote

80 MPH:
Grapefruit
Pears
Apples
Daikon
Black-eyed peas, sack
Dragonfruit
Avocado, unripened
Butternut squash
Cabbage

100 MPH:
Lettuce, iceberg, head of
Artichokes
Oranges
Avocado, ripe
Mangoes
Cauiflower
Beets
Heirloom tomatoes, large
Peaches
Nectarines
Onion

130 MPH:
Elephant garlic, bulb
Broccoli
Bok choy
Carrot, top attached / thinned to provide stability to cause "dart effect"
Grapes, non-seedless, bunch

150:
Star fruits
Carrots
Meyer Lemons
Tangerines
Grapes, seedless, bunch

175 MPH:
Kiwis
Limes
Tomatoes

200 MPH:
Garlic, bulb
Plums
Dates
Loquats

250 MPH:
Apricots
Figs
Lychee

300 MPH:
Elephant garlic, clove
Strawberries
Elderberries
Prunes

400 MPH:
Habanero peppers
Jalapeno peppers
Serrano peppers

Mach 1:
Bing Cherries
Huckleberries
Blackberries

Mach 2:
Blueberries
Jumping bean

Speed of light:
Green pea, single

No limit set:
*Ugli fruits.
†Kumquats

*I encourage the use of the ugli in dispute resolution.
†I encourage the use of Kumquats in drive-by fruitings, mainly because I've always wanted to read about one on Fark. I think the comments section on that event would be sublime.

25 Nov 2012 08:10 AM
Feral_and_Preposterous     

25 Nov 2012 08:14 AM
upndn     
Years ago, my dad was in the hospital all busted up because some asshat threw a pumpkin off a bridge and it went through the windshield of my dad's truck.

Pretty scary time for the family. He survived ok, but still has the scars.

Some people simply need eliminated from the gene pool.

25 Nov 2012 08:27 AM
harbingerofdoom     
imagine my (total lack of) surprise when i see wilson wy in the story

25 Nov 2012 08:49 AM
harbingerofdoom     

Fista-Phobia: Nothing. Can I shoot subby in the face with a tree eighty?


no. you need about tree-fiddy

25 Nov 2012 08:51 AM
NutWrench     
When you add the speed of the car to a thrown pumpkin, it can do some serious damage. From a standing position, an average person can probably heave a 20 pound pumpkin about 20 feet at 10-15 mph. How much more damage will the same pumpkin do at 40 mph? (physics challenge! please show your work.)

25 Nov 2012 09:40 AM
tillerman35     
Police suspect that it was a deliberate attempt on the woman's life and have placed an officer on 24 hour gourd duty outside her hospital room.

25 Nov 2012 10:02 AM
Nick Nostril     

NutWrench: When you add the speed of the car to a thrown pumpkin, it can do some serious damage. From a standing position, an average person can probably heave a 20 pound pumpkin about 20 feet at 10-15 mph. How much more damage will the same pumpkin do at 40 mph? (physics challenge! please show your work.)


Yup. Every fall in my home town, the high school kids would raid the local pumpkin fields and go out mailbox bombing. Load up the back of a pickup with pumpkins and see who could toss one out at 35-40 mph and hit a mailbox (mailboxes at side of the road, not on the houses... obviously).

You could tell the folks who had become victims more than once. They built brick or solid metal structures around their boxes.

Yes, we had little to keep us entertained in rural/suburbia.

/ CSB

25 Nov 2012 10:29 AM
00st3bbins     
Hate, HATE articles that are actually transcribed puff pieces from local news... They read even worse than they sound on the tube.

26 Nov 2012 01:09 AM
KyDave     
A .38? Well, isn't that... special ?

26 Nov 2012 04:07 AM
ChadM89     
I lived in Stockton for 12 years. Don't plan on moving back there.

It's terrible that this happened to that woman but unsurprising that it happened on Wilson Way. That street is very well-known for having women walking along it and attracting attention from men in cars, if you catch my drift. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

26 Nov 2012 12:51 PM
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