not as ridiculous as i thought it would be. i have hope.

No black girl's names? That's where the comedy lies.

I've annotated the first fifty. If I've offended you by making fun of your son's name, or your name, that was pretty much the point. I'll try to get the first fifty girls names done too.


1. Aiden
Give me a farking break. Number one is this mess?

2. Jackson
This is a last name.

3. Ethan
Tom Cruise character

4. Liam
Wouldn't be on chart without Neeson

5. Mason
This is a jar, not a first name.

6. Noah
Hi, my son is named after a drunk boat builder whose daughters got him drunk and farked him.

7. Lucas
This is a last name.

8. Jacob
OK, fine.

9. Jayden
what

10. Jack
This is the nickname for John. It's not a name.

11. Logan
Only OK if your son is never, ever a runner.

12. Ryan
Why? Jack Ryan? Ryan Seacrest? Why, people?

13. Caleb
You're not Irish. Why are you trying to be Irish?

14. Benjamin
OK. Tends to be a set up for an "all about" joke, but whatever.

15. William
Number fifteen, we finally get our first fairly traditional name.

16. Michael
And again, traditional name.

17. Alexander
Unless you're expecting extraordinary things from this boy, shy away from this name.

18. Elijah
Will go bald early, cause 42 children to be torn to pieces by bears after they tease him.

19. Matthew
Nice biblical name. Also, along with Michael, a name that has been associated with gay friends more often than any other names on this list. NTTAWWT.

20. Dylan
Last name. If you must do this to your boy, please teach him to speak in poetic mumbles.

21. James
Only works with Tiberius.

22. Owen
Heeeeeeeee....Hawwwwwww!

23. Connor
There should be only one. But it's 23rd.

24. Brayden
Go fark yourselves.

25. Carter
If named after the president, OK. If named after the ER character, meh. If named after the Backstreet Boy, shame.

26. Landon
If named after Alf, good on ya. If named after Michael, please go live in a little house on a prairie.

27. Joshua
I have never known a good person named Joshua. I imagine there are statistically people out there named Joshua who weren't assholes, but I've not met one.

28. Luke
If you must go Biblical, OK. If named after Mr. Perry, go maim yourself.

29. Daniel
I named my son this one. So it's OK.

30. Gabriel
If named after Peter, OK. If named after Mr. Kotter, even more so. If named after the archangel, your son will truly be a hellion by age 3.

31. Nicholas
Son will always be Romanoff.

32. Nathan
Really? A hot dog?

33. Oliver
Make his middle name "Clothesoff" and you have a deal.

34. Henry
Old fashioned, vaguely scary. Might not only marry once.

35. Andrew
Fairly normal name unless you live in South Florida.

36. Gavin
Only if you have a Love Boat fetish and wanted the captain really bad.

37. Cameron
It's a last name, or the name of a Terminatrix. As a last name, it's the name of a seriously douchey fundamentalist. Don't.

38. Eli
Only if you're Jewish. Only.

39. Max
Dog name. Only acceptable if you have another son named Min.

40. Isaac
Again, only if you were really into the Love Boat

41. Evan
Will be odd.

42. Samuel
OK bible name, but if he gets nicknamed Sammy, bad things may occur to him.

43. Grayson
No. Just no. I don't care how much you like the congressman from Central Florida.

44. Tyler
Only if first child was named Tippecanoe

45. Zachary
He'll be called "Zack", which sounds a bit too informal and a touch lacking in respect.

46. Wyatt
If there is any humor in the world, he will be nicknamed "Derp"

47. Joseph
Blah blah dreamcoat.

48. Charlie
OK, if a bit old. People who know about the unicorn videos may get a weirdly high level of amusement from your kid's name.

49. Hunter
Last name. Description. Not a first name

50. David
And fairly normal to round out the fifty.

51. dahmers love zombie
Has WAY too much times on his hands.

I see that Moxie Crimefighter has yet to make the cut.

Thank goodness only white kids are being born.

I knew this guy whose cousin's friend knew a girl who named her twins Lamonjelo and Oranjelo. Get it? Crazy stuff. And there was this other woman I heard about from this guy I know whose friend works in the hospital who knew a doctor who delivered a baby to a woman who named her daughter Chlamydia because she saw it on a poster and thought it sounded pretty. Chlamydia, ha! Next you know someone will be naming their kid Herpes.

Pocket Ninja: I knew this guy whose cousin's friend knew a girl who named her twins Lamonjelo and Oranjelo. Get it? Crazy stuff. And there was this other woman I heard about from this guy I know whose friend works in the hospital who knew a doctor who delivered a baby to a woman who named her daughter Chlamydia because she saw it on a poster and thought it sounded pretty. Chlamydia, ha! Next you know someone will be naming their kid Herpes.


Your posts never fail to amuse.

No Adam in the Top 50? That's kind of surprising. My boyfriend and I are really boring, milquetoast people so if we ever have kids, they're going to have really traditional, boring Jewish names. We flipped a coin on who got to name the kids, heads it was me, tails it was him....and it came up tails.

Mugato: No black girl's names? That's where the comedy lies.

Too many different spelling for any one to make the list.

No Mitt as a baby's name?

Coco LaFemme: No Adam in the Top 50? That's kind of surprising. My boyfriend and I are really boring, milquetoast people so if we ever have kids, they're going to have really traditional, boring Jewish names. We flipped a coin on who got to name the kids, heads it was me, tails it was him....and it came up tails.

Him is a lovely first name. Congratulations.

Where the hell is Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K on this list?! THISISANOUTRAGE.JPG!

No Ashley, Keith, or Kevin

Aiden Jayden Cayden Ayden Caiden Jaiden.

Ewwwww

The girl names I like until you hit the Kaitlyns and Kaylees.

Isn't Liam a nickname for William?

Yep, it reads like the attendance roster in our daughter's kindergarten class.

\ command + f + daughter's name doesn't return any results

Isn't Cabdahmers love zombie:

13. Caleb
You're not Irish. Why are you trying to be Irish?


Isn't Caleb Hebrew?

dahmers love zombie: I've annotated the first fifty.

You gave it your best, champ. Why don't you go rest up.

Boy's names end in 'n', girl's names end in 'a'

Godscrack: Thank goodness only white kids are being born.

Declan would like to have a word with you.

Coco LaFemme: No Adam in the Top 50? That's kind of surprising. My boyfriend and I are really boring, milquetoast people so if we ever have kids, they're going to have really traditional, boring Jewish names. We flipped a coin on who got to name the kids, heads it was me, tails it was him....and it came up tails.

Funny, you don't type Jewish.

Mugato: No black girl's names? That's where the comedy lies.

Bentley? Too bad my daughters name is 35

A challenger appears: Declan would like to have a word with you.

That's Irish. White as white can be.

More than a little surprised there's not a single Hispanic name on the list.

Nice list dahmer's love zombie, but I thought it was Lot who had his daughters get him drunk and pork him, not Noah.

Lot seems like a pretty cool name. Sounds like a good name for one of those badass angels who come down to earth and wear trenchcoats and shoot up demons in a post apocalyptic urban landscape while trying to save the last straggling masses of humanity . And who are played by Denzel Washington in the movie which isn't quite as good as the comic book it's based on but a whole hell of a lot better than the crappy video game tie in that was slapped together in the three months before the movie's opening.

...I need sleep.......

Pocket Ninja: I knew this guy whose cousin's friend knew a girl who named her twins Lamonjelo and Oranjelo. Get it? Crazy stuff. And there was this other woman I heard about from this guy I know whose friend works in the hospital who knew a doctor who delivered a baby to a woman who named her daughter Chlamydia because she saw it on a poster and thought it sounded pretty. Chlamydia, ha! Next you know someone will be naming their kid Herpes.

My sister's friend's brother knew this guy who was a teacher. So this guy was going through the new class attendance and came across "Le-ah" so he pronounced her name "lee uh". Now here's where it gets wild, the girl corrects him and says her name is pronounced "Le dash ah". Le dash ah! Can you believe it?!?

FizixJunkee: dahmers love zombie:

13. Caleb
You're not Irish. Why are you trying to be Irish?


Isn't Caleb Hebrew?

Yes. Maybe Dahmers was thinking of Colum...?

BigLuca: Coco LaFemme: No Adam in the Top 50? That's kind of surprising. My boyfriend and I are really boring, milquetoast people so if we ever have kids, they're going to have really traditional, boring Jewish names. We flipped a coin on who got to name the kids, heads it was me, tails it was him....and it came up tails.

Funny, you don't type Jewish.

That's because I'm not. My boyfriend's Jewish, not me. I'm an atheist.

Mugato: No black girl's names? That's where the comedy lies.



/oblig

pck: 51. dahmers love zombie


LOLOLOLOLOL Thanks!!! But what if Nathan was named after Nate Silver, not Nathan's hot dogs. Just to underline that the ridiculous names need more ridicule.

A challenger appears: Godscrack: Thank goodness only white kids are being born.

Declan would like to have a word with you.

I thought Declan was one of those Irishy names so popular with the white people.

/ Thank god the westerny names went away, Dakota, Sierra, etc

jaytkay
You take that back, I named my daughter Kaitlyn 11 years ago and she's the most loving polite girl you could ever meet. Of course it wasn't popular back then either. Jen Mary or Heather were overdone at the time just like today where Loquisha or some other abstract name is given to make your kid sound like a special snowflake. There isn't one Mike Kevin Mark or Steven in my daughter's class so it's just a societal thing trying to be different.

it's the parents that want to appear unique, not their children.

Obscure Login: Pocket Ninja: I knew this guy whose cousin's friend knew a girl who named her twins Lamonjelo and Oranjelo. Get it? Crazy stuff. And there was this other woman I heard about from this guy I know whose friend works in the hospital who knew a doctor who delivered a baby to a woman who named her daughter Chlamydia because she saw it on a poster and thought it sounded pretty. Chlamydia, ha! Next you know someone will be naming their kid Herpes.

My sister's friend's brother knew this guy who was a teacher. So this guy was going through the new class attendance and came across "Le-ah" so he pronounced her name "lee uh". Now here's where it gets wild, the girl corrects him and says her name is pronounced "Le dash ah". Le dash ah! Can you believe it?!?

No, no you missed the best part, she said "The dash don't be silent!" It's important to retell our racist urban legends the right way.

A young indian boy sat contemplating how his people were named so he says, "Father, how did we all get names like Running Deer, Ten Bears, Red Sky and such?"
As the boy sat intensely listening his father replied, "As soon as the child is born, the father names the child after the first thing he sees that inspires him and that's how it's done.
So, what makes you ask such strange questions Two Dogs Fu&#ing?"

Too many -dens and last names as first name.

It doesn't make your mistake of a low class baby "prestigious" or high class. BLECH

Obscure Login: Pocket Ninja: I knew this guy whose cousin's friend knew a girl who named her twins Lamonjelo and Oranjelo. Get it? Crazy stuff. And there was this other woman I heard about from this guy I know whose friend works in the hospital who knew a doctor who delivered a baby to a woman who named her daughter Chlamydia because she saw it on a poster and thought it sounded pretty. Chlamydia, ha! Next you know someone will be naming their kid Herpes.

My sister's friend's brother knew this guy who was a teacher. So this guy was going through the new class attendance and came across "Le-ah" so he pronounced her name "lee uh". Now here's where it gets wild, the girl corrects him and says her name is pronounced "Le dash ah". Le dash ah! Can you believe it?!?

Ha those are bullshiat stories!

Lemme tell you about this gal who works with my brother in Cleveland.

Her electrician's mother-in-law is a nurse in an inner-city hospital. And some black baby-mama was asking about good names and the (white) staff said "How about Female? It's pronounced FEE MAL EEE."

She loved it!

dahmers love zombie and DubtodaIll


Liam and Caleb are both Hebrew.

I'm working on a list of Jewish names that are also Irish.

If Its a boy hell be named Egbert and hell dress like little lord fauntleroy with slick backed black hair.
If its a girl shell be named Little Cypheria and shell dress like she lives on Little House On The Prarie.

If you're gonna fark em up,fark em up but good.

Id also consider naming them Ladies and Gentlemen jus so I could shout " LADIES AND GEN-TLEMEN! GET YOUR BUTTS DOWN HERE FOR SUPPER"!

Catholicism farked us up in a lot of ways, but one sensible thing about it is good solid traditional names. Stick to the apostles and better known saints. Don't be one of those jerkoffs with a kid named Brayden/Jayden/Quayden.

Bullshiat, where's Mohammad?

Oh my god. My name is #7. 7! No one had ever heard of it when I was little.

I really hate kids' names today. Around here everybody goes for the "K" names. Kelsey and Keller and Kieran and Connor and Kendra......

Kind of surprised "USA Today" was a popular girls name.

laid back w/bud light: jaytkay
You take that back, I named my daughter Kaitlyn 11 years ago and she's the most loving polite girl you could ever meet. Of course it wasn't popular back then either. Jen Mary or Heather were overdone at the time just like today where Loquisha or some other abstract name is given to make your kid sound like a special snowflake. There isn't one Mike Kevin Mark or Steven in my daughter's class so it's just a societal thing trying to be different.

One of my sons (10 yrs old) is Steven. He' s the only Steven in the entire school, kindergarten to eighth grade.

Coco LaFemme: BigLuca: Coco LaFemme: No Adam in the Top 50? That's kind of surprising. My boyfriend and I are really boring, milquetoast people so if we ever have kids, they're going to have really traditional, boring Jewish names. We flipped a coin on who got to name the kids, heads it was me, tails it was him....and it came up tails.

Funny, you don't type Jewish.

That's because I'm not. My boyfriend's Jewish, not me. I'm an atheist.

But you are willing to go with the traditional, boring Jewish names? That's pretty nice of you

1. Aiden
9. Jayden
24. Brayden
96. Hayden

Uh huh. Where the hell's Caiden, Faeden, and Zayden?

I LOL'ed the first time I saw this.



/forest fire season, in case you're wondering

Isn't Jack a nickname fo John? as in JFK?

laid back w/bud light: I named my daughter Kaitlyn 11 years ago and she's the most loving polite girl you could ever meet. Of course it wasn't popular back then either.

Kaitlyn reached peak popularity (AKA peak annoying) 11 years ago

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