Thought this one was out much early in the week, sorry it's late. Headline of the Week is in motion and the first quarterfinals thread should be out Monday.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2012-11-18 to Sat 2012-11-24:

  People are using hammers, saws, kitchen knives, teeth and grinders to open clamshell packaging. I'd give one of my remaining fingers for a better way    

  Deep-fry a turkey without burning down the house. Step 1: Don't invite David Byrne    

  Six high-end coffemakers stolen in one afternoon from three Starbucks locations in Canadian city. Police have grounds to believe it was a thin, medium height dark-complected con man. A skinny grande mocha smoothie, if you will    

  "Texas day care owner gets 80 years in fire that killed four kids". Seems a bit much, she'll probably burn to death in the first three or four minutes, anyway    

  Survivin_ _unman fr_m Mumbai terr_r attacks is han_ed in In_ian pris_n    

  FBI raids Detroit Public Library, seizes computer and both books    

  We're lucky to have cranberries after icy season, but did you have to let them linger?    

  U.S. Public Interest Research Group again warns parents of dangerous toys for children. Number one this year is the new "What are you wearing?" phone call Elmo doll    

  Blind, deaf, 3-legged dog saves family from house fire, sure plays a mean pinball    

  Man shoots wife during argument, drops her off at hospital. Who says chivalry is dead?    

  Man arrested for assaulting wife with his penis after she refused to have sex with him. After reviewing the briefs, judge drops assault with deadly weapon charge and turns case over to small claims court    


Sports:

  Tebow has two broken ribs, which his creator will use to make him a wife plus a second-string wife in case the first one eats of the Tree of Knowledge    

  NFL executive VP of football operations says Ndamukong Suh's groin kick to Matt Schaub looked "out of the ordinary" and "didn't appear to be a natural football move," much in the same way that Matt Schaub no longer has his natural singing voice  

  Gail Harris, the last man to hit a home run for the NY Giants, has died. His remains will be shipped to the west coast along with those of his most hated neighbor    


Geek:

  Teen sleeps for 64 straight days. Doctors diagnose her with"Sleeping Beauty Syndrome". Parents diagnose her as being a teenager    

  Air pollution, smoking and overeating all found to cause memory loss. Finally, some good news for Dodger fans    

  Are social networking internet sites a factor in psychotic symptoms? More importantly, why aren't you following me? I'M NOT GOING TO BE IGNORED    


Entertainment:

  Discovery Channel cancels Dirty Jobs. Well, somebody had to do it    

  Larry Hagman dead at 81. This is not a dream, though Mary Crosby is listed as a person of interest    

  Vocal cord polyp has Bjork surgically removed    


Politics:

  "There's no country on Earth that would tolerate missiles raining down on its citizens from outside its borders," said Barack Obama right before authorizing drone strikes in Pakistan and Yemen    

  Timothy Geithner advocates lifting the debt limit to infinity. Congress immediately springs into action, begins researching how to overspend it    

  Obama fails to thank God in Thanksgiving address. Liberals counter he thanked Himself, so it shouldn't count against Him    


Business:

  Canada's new high-tech $20 bills foil counterfeiters, nation's vending machines    

  Cartel office pulls the plug on planned merger of tampon fiber manufacturers    

  Mazda unveils low-priced "Speed Racer" subcompact kit to entice driving enthusiasts into B-Spec auto racing world. Jaunty theme song not included