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   Explain this to your kid: Santa can fly around the world in an open sleigh and jump down chimneys, but it is not safe for him to ride on top of a firetruck in a parade

03 Dec 2012 04:10 PM   |   3047 clicks   |   Patch
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Earguy    [TotalFark]  
Santa is a grown-up, that's why.

/old school

03 Dec 2012 02:40 PM
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ToxicMunkee     
Santa can't die.

Because he's not real, but that's beside the point. There is no Santa the First or Santa the four hundredth. There has always bee only one Santa.

Because he's immortal.

He's the Highlander.

03 Dec 2012 02:54 PM
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ThatGuyFromTheInternet     

ToxicMunkee: Santa can't die.


I think he resurrects after three days.

03 Dec 2012 03:16 PM
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MaudlinMutantMollusk    [TotalFark]  
When I was a fireman, we rode the tailboard. Damned kids today are a bunch of sissies

/remove thineself from my greensward

03 Dec 2012 03:20 PM
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AdolfOliverPanties     
Santa is setting a good example for kids. Of course he wouldn't get hurt, but a kid might try to emulate him and fall off the firetruck and get hurt.

Duh.

03 Dec 2012 03:33 PM
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MorrisBird    [TotalFark]  
Son, you're 32 years old now and it's time to realize that Santa is a silly myth.

03 Dec 2012 03:33 PM
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gopher321    [TotalFark]  
It would be more symbolic if Santa came in riding a huge cash register anyway.

03 Dec 2012 03:37 PM
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naughtyrev    [TotalFark]  
Also, explain to your kids to not talk to strangers, but never mind the fat man creeping around in the chimney who wants you to sit on his lap.

03 Dec 2012 03:49 PM
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MaudlinMutantMollusk    [TotalFark]  

gopher321: It would be more symbolic if Santa came in riding a huge cash register anyway.


On Dollar! On Ruble! On Euro and Drachma! On Peso! On Ruble! On Yen and Taka!

03 Dec 2012 03:51 PM
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AdolfOliverPanties     

MaudlinMutantMollusk: gopher321: It would be more symbolic if Santa came in riding a huge cash register anyway.

On Dollar! On Ruble! On Euro and Drachma! On Peso! On Ruble! On Yen and Taka!


Two reindeer named "ruble," otherwise, that's pretty good.

03 Dec 2012 03:56 PM
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Doctor Funkenstein    [TotalFark]  
Because Santa isn't real and that fat guy on top of the fire truck is probably drunk?

03 Dec 2012 03:57 PM
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MaudlinMutantMollusk    [TotalFark]  

AdolfOliverPanties: MaudlinMutantMollusk: gopher321: It would be more symbolic if Santa came in riding a huge cash register anyway.

On Dollar! On Ruble! On Euro and Drachma! On Peso! On Ruble! On Yen and Taka!

Two reindeer named "ruble," otherwise, that's pretty good.


Yeah... I got flustered by all that money and repeated myself

/so close

03 Dec 2012 03:57 PM
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I_Am_Weasel    [TotalFark]  
Well, yes.

This is because just prior to Mr. Claus leaving on Christmas eve an elf is sacrificed in sort of a santanic ritual..

03 Dec 2012 04:08 PM
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ProfessorOhki     
Efficient parent - "Because the sleigh has seatbelts and the top of a truck doesn't."

Actually, from the photos, the antique truck is a 1000x better fit anyway.

03 Dec 2012 04:14 PM
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Englebert Slaptyback     

AdolfOliverPanties


MaudlinMutantMollusk: gopher321: It would be more symbolic if Santa came in riding a huge cash register anyway.

On Dollar! On Ruble! On Euro and Drachma! On Peso! On Ruble! On Yen and Taka!

Two reindeer named "ruble," otherwise, that's pretty good.


Rubles have been devalued quite a bit over the years, so you need more of them to get anywhere.

03 Dec 2012 04:15 PM
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busy chillin'     
WORKS LONG HOURS TO BUY KIDS XMAS GIFTS

2.bp.blogspot.com

SANTA GETS ALL THE CREDIT

03 Dec 2012 04:16 PM
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INeedAName     
As someone whose father dresses up as Santa every year...

03 Dec 2012 04:17 PM
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Arkanaut     
Easy. It's Obama's fault.

03 Dec 2012 04:17 PM
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Thats_right_ALL_the_tea     
The sleigh is obviously surrounded by an anti-gravity field that allows it to fly, whereas the fire truck is not. Now if you had a flying fire truck, that would be a different story.

03 Dec 2012 04:18 PM
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Mega Steve     
The Krampus was driving?

2.bp.blogspot.com

03 Dec 2012 04:19 PM
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busy chillin'     

Arkanaut: Easy. It's Obama's fault.


Maybe....you know Romney doesn't give a sh*t about things on the roofs of vehicles.

03 Dec 2012 04:19 PM
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ArkPanda     
Santa is able to do all these things using the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. That's why your parents tell you to go to bed and not try to see Santa. In a parade with all those observers, the probability matrix collapses and he's just a fatass.

03 Dec 2012 04:20 PM
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Theaetetus    [TotalFark]  
Because you've got less athletic ability than an old fat guy, kid.

03 Dec 2012 04:21 PM
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maxalt     
Let the kid put some of Santas "magic dust" up his nose and he will think he is riding high.

03 Dec 2012 04:22 PM
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ErinPac     
Just tell the kids all the mall guys and parade guys are 'helping' Santa. It will save explanations when Santa is drunk, doesn't know what the kid wants, doesn't "tell Santa the right gifts", has a beard come off, runs into another Santa, doesn't look like the last Santa, or does anything dumb.

03 Dec 2012 04:28 PM
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StoPPeRmobile     
We need more Krampus up in this biatch.
www.ripleys.com

03 Dec 2012 04:28 PM
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skullkrusher     
I remember getting really excited to see Santa drive around on the fire trucks when I was a kid. You suck, Hampton.

03 Dec 2012 04:28 PM
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louiedog     
Every year at my old elementary school the local fire department would come to the gym and teach fire safety to all of the students. Afterwards they gave gave rides on top of one of the fire engines to a dozen or so students at a time for the entire kindergarten class. They don't do it anymore over liability concerns.

03 Dec 2012 04:29 PM
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StoPPeRmobile     
Let's not forget Zwarte Piet.
offtrackplanet.com

03 Dec 2012 04:29 PM
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had98c     
Easy. Just tell all the kids everywhere Santa is made up, then turn Xmas into a holiday about reason and critical thinking.

/Why yes, I'm loads of fun at parties.

03 Dec 2012 04:30 PM
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Smeggy Smurf     
They ought to do it anyway and fark the rules. It's goddamned Santa. STFU and make the kids happy.

03 Dec 2012 04:32 PM
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SirDigbyChickenCaesar     
At our Christmas Parade this weekend Santa was riding on a ladder truck and took a power line to the face.

/the kids heard Santa say a naughty word

03 Dec 2012 04:33 PM
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Links     
"What's that sonny? Why the Fark would Santa be on a fire truck in the first farking place? In a parade in farking Hampton?? Well now lemme see..."

03 Dec 2012 04:37 PM
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NotARocketScientist     
Santa flies high enough that if he were to fall out, the reindeer would have the time/space needed to catch him before he hit. Not so with fire trucks.

03 Dec 2012 04:37 PM
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Syphilis_Smile     

Doctor Funkenstein: Because Santa isn't real and that fat guy on top of the fire truck is probably drunk?


As someone who just rode in a christmas parade, drunk, on top of a fire engine, I'm getting a kick out of these replies.

/Not fat
//Nor Santa

03 Dec 2012 04:39 PM
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FunkOut    [TotalFark]  

StoPPeRmobile: Let's not forget Zwarte Piet.
[offtrackplanet.com image 801x533]


My Swiss classmate explained that good children get presents but the bad children ares stuffed into a sack by Black Peter who then kicks the shiat out them. The mental image was less of a jolly Moorish blackface character and more like some big linebacker dude shouting "I'm sick of your shiat, you lil bastards, I'm gonna whoop yer asses!"

03 Dec 2012 04:39 PM
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Wrath of Heaven     
That dude on the fire truck isn't the REAL Santa... he's not farking magic.

03 Dec 2012 04:40 PM
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bingethinker    [TotalFark]  

SirDigbyChickenCaesar: At our Christmas Parade this weekend Santa was riding on a ladder truck and took a power line to the face.

/the kids heard Santa say a naughty word


One year, in the little town I used to live in, Santa had far too much Yuletide cheer before the parade. "Happy Easter! Happy New Year! Merry F**kin' Christmas!"

Yeah, he didn't get re-hired for the next parade.

03 Dec 2012 04:43 PM
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Onkel Buck     

maxalt: magic dust


Came for magic dust reference, leaving with a post nasal drip

03 Dec 2012 04:48 PM
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Slaves2Darkness     

ThatGuyFromTheInternet: ToxicMunkee: Santa can't die.

I think he resurrects after three days.


Well he did die for our presents. Can I get a HO! HO! HO!


/You better be good, for goodness sake.

03 Dec 2012 04:56 PM
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Rindred     
Santa does NOT deliver presents in an open sleigh to kids all over the world. At the speed he'd have to travel, the shockwave would flatten your house when he landed. Instead, he delivers them via Butterfly Effect.

03 Dec 2012 04:57 PM
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FatherChaos     
'Safety' Leads to Parade Controversy After Santa Told Can't Ride Atop Ladder Truck

2.bp.blogspot.com

I realize news headlines can make reductions to conserve space, but seriously WTF? Two verbs together?

03 Dec 2012 04:58 PM
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Slaves2Darkness     

Rindred: Santa does NOT deliver presents in an open sleigh to kids all over the world. At the speed he'd have to travel, the shockwave would flatten your house when he landed. Instead, he delivers them via Butterfly Effect.


I did not see any Santa in that movie.

Santa is a Time Lord, he has all the time he needs, more then that Santa has all ready delivered all presents to everybody for every year.

Now he just hangs out in Cancun drinking Mai Tai's and enjoying the beach.

03 Dec 2012 05:01 PM
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Smeggy Smurf     

Slaves2Darkness: Well he did die for our presents. Can I get a HO! HO! HO!


Joseph isn't going to let you get in on his little divine slut action.

03 Dec 2012 05:02 PM
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DeadGeek     
Explain this to your kids: Santa Clause, AKA Saint Nicholas, is the patron saint of children, thieves, and pawnbrokers.

/and some other stuff
//but those are the interesting points

03 Dec 2012 05:06 PM
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CheekyMonkey     
Why does Santa need to ride on a fire truck, anyways? What's wrong with that fat fark riding in his sleigh, pulled by those mincing little homo reindeers?

03 Dec 2012 05:10 PM
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CheekyMonkey     

DeadGeek: Explain this to your kids: Santa Clause, AKA Saint Nicholas, is the patron saint of children, thieves, and pawnbrokers.

/and some other stuff
//but those are the interesting points


So that's how he gets all those presents...

03 Dec 2012 05:11 PM
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The Stealth Hippopotamus    [TotalFark]  

Earguy: Santa is a grown-up, that's why.

/old school


'cause I said so


/older school

03 Dec 2012 05:11 PM
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Gunny Walker     
Cause there's people in the world called insurance agents. If they catch the firemen giving Santa rides like that, they'll drop the firemen's insurance. The firemen will be uninsured, which is a big problem for the city. The city loses its insurance, which is a big problem for the county. Repeat until you get to the federal level and you then you kill the dollar. Santa doesn't want an entire economic collapse to be his fault, so he just doesn't ride on the firetruck. He's capable, but doesn't want to push the issue.

When Santa drops down chimneys, he's acting alone and technically breaking and entering. There's no insurance agent that will cover that kind of activity, but since this just affects Santa's operation, he says, "Fark it." and does it anyway.

Santa's kind of a punk and sometimes shows a devil-may-care attitude that you should never exhibit, kids.

03 Dec 2012 05:11 PM
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tbhouston     
or how about you don't lie to your kids?

03 Dec 2012 05:21 PM
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