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   Big wishes, contagious diseases, and piss on your lap: the confessions of a mall store Santa

07 Dec 2012 11:27 AM   |   5050 clicks   |   Today
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blatz514    [TotalFark]  
jrarcieri.files.wordpress.comView Full Size

07 Dec 2012 11:30 AM
oldfarthenry    [TotalFark]  
i1151.photobucket.comView Full Size

HO HO HO!
That ain't the north pole you're sittin' on, kiddies!
HO HO HO!

07 Dec 2012 11:30 AM
GCD     

07 Dec 2012 11:31 AM
Bathysphere     
I was Santa's elf at the mall, one year while still in high school. Hell is prying a cheeseburger out of an obese 8yo's hand, while his mother bellows at him. Also, Santa was mean and yelled at us in the break room.
/css

07 Dec 2012 11:32 AM
oldfarthenry    [TotalFark]  

Bathysphere: I was Santa's elf at the mall, one year while still in high school.


Hey, fellas - how many of us are visualizing this right now?
i1151.photobucket.comView Full Size

07 Dec 2012 11:34 AM
JackieRabbit     
I've always thought of making a frightened two year old sit on Santa's lap as cruel. Kids that age are normally wary of and often frightened by strangers. When you take them into the crowded, loud, big decorated mall they are already sensory-overloaded. Putting them in the lap of some weirdly dressed stranger is just too much. Of course they are going to melt down. Santa doesn't mean anything to a child so young anyway.

07 Dec 2012 11:36 AM
miniflea     
Is this a good place to mention I once worked with a guy who had another job as a mall Easter bunny and was by bizarre coincidence also a furry?

07 Dec 2012 11:37 AM
Random Anonymous Blackmail     
Look at all the pretty white chillins

www.morethings.comView Full Size

07 Dec 2012 11:38 AM
WTFDYW     

GCD: Mall Santa secrets


Thank you for that.

07 Dec 2012 11:39 AM
brigid_fitch    [TotalFark]  

miniflea: Is this a good place to mention I once worked with a guy who had another job as a mall Easter bunny and was by bizarre coincidence also a furry?


That's...frightening. But not a bizarre coincidence. I'm sure he sought out the job.

/Sadly, I know a couple of furries
//Nice guys but, even after 10 years, I still can't wrap my head around that particular lifestlye choice

07 Dec 2012 11:40 AM
Duke Phillips' Singing Bears     

Random Anonymous Blackmail: Look at all the pretty white chillins

[www.morethings.com image 720x480]


You'll pay what you owe, Santa! You pay what you owe, n*gg*h!

07 Dec 2012 11:40 AM
daisiem     
My kids visited Santa Phil in Portland every year. He's the best Santa ever.The kids believed he was the real thing. Then Macy's pulled the plug on him. Bah Humbug.

07 Dec 2012 11:40 AM
baronvonzipper     

oldfarthenry: Bathysphere: I was Santa's elf at the mall, one year while still in high school.

Hey, fellas - how many of us are visualizing this right now?
[i1151.photobucket.com image 250x200]


I only need one hand to run a mouse.

07 Dec 2012 11:41 AM
JayGrrl     

JackieRabbit: I've always thought of making a frightened two year old sit on Santa's lap as cruel. Kids that age are normally wary of and often frightened by strangers. When you take them into the crowded, loud, big decorated mall they are already sensory-overloaded. Putting them in the lap of some weirdly dressed stranger is just too much. Of course they are going to melt down. Santa doesn't mean anything to a child so young anyway.


Bullshiat. I knew Santa at 2 years old. I knew him after I turned one, wondering why he was raiding my kitchen (for booze.) Mom hired a random cousin to dress up as Santa for us and I was introduced to the slightly logged roly poly jolly sack that brought us presents.

07 Dec 2012 11:42 AM
DerAppie     
So what subby is saying is that Santa isn'r a sloppy drinker but that Santa spill his whisky to desinfect his beard?

07 Dec 2012 11:44 AM
cgraves67     

miniflea: Is this a good place to mention I once worked with a guy who had another job as a mall Easter bunny and was by bizarre coincidence also a furry?


On the one hand, that's his dream job. On the other, I smell a conflict of interest. But if he's so much a furry that he only gets off on yarfing, or whatever they call it, with other furries, then there's no risk to the little kids.

07 Dec 2012 11:44 AM
Bathysphere     
Yeah, the worst part of that job was when the kids were scared of Santa and their parents would say, "GODDAMNIT, YOU LITTLE SHIAT, YOU SIT THERE AND SMILE OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY WHEN WE GET HOME! " Sadly, kids were so scared, I had to sit on Santa's lap next to them, and parents still paid for the photos with me in them. I cried daily after work. It sucked.

07 Dec 2012 11:44 AM
brigid_fitch    [TotalFark]  
I give huge props to mall Santas--they put up with a LOT. I love Christmas and, every few years, I get in a mood and want a picture with Santa. They're always good sports about it. And I always bring them a Starbucks gift card for putting up with me.

/Went to the Macy's Santa a few years ago for the first time ever
//That was a BLAST! Over an hour's wait but it didn't seem that long--the workers were really great. And they have about a dozen little cabins on the top floor, all with their backs to the line of people. There's a Santa in each one to cut down the wait time.

07 Dec 2012 11:44 AM
deadsanta     
The original and still gold-standard:

Sedaris reads "Santaland Diaries"

07 Dec 2012 11:48 AM
Wellon Dowd     
Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho

i.imgur.comView Full Size

07 Dec 2012 11:49 AM
bugmn99     

Bathysphere: Yeah, the worst part of that job was when the kids were scared of Santa and their parents would say, "GODDAMNIT, YOU LITTLE SHIAT, YOU SIT THERE AND SMILE OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY WHEN WE GET HOME! " Sadly, kids were so scared, I had to sit on Santa's lap next to them, and parents still paid for the photos with me in them. I cried daily after work. It sucked.


Go on...

07 Dec 2012 11:50 AM
DiRF     
i50.tinypic.comView Full Size

/I cry every time... Carney's performance is amazing.

07 Dec 2012 11:52 AM
Toy_Cop     
I bet a lot of pedophiles take up jobs as Santa.

07 Dec 2012 11:53 AM
highendmighty     
Big wishes, contagious diseases, and piss on your lap: also the confessions of that Vegas girl I met last weekend.

07 Dec 2012 11:53 AM
Divorach     
I'm very confident that if I was ever a Santa I'd lean in close and whisper crazy stuff to kids... "What ever you do in the next 2 days, you MUST remember these words: starlight, billboard, mercury."

Later mom and dad would ask, "So.. what did Santa say to you??" Even if the kids remembered it the parents would assume the kids were crazy.

07 Dec 2012 11:54 AM
The_Sponge    [TotalFark]  
You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

07 Dec 2012 11:57 AM
Pinner     

deadsanta: The original and still gold-standard:

Sedaris reads "Santaland Diaries"


came to say this...
Awesome! A perfect gift! Hilarious read!

07 Dec 2012 11:59 AM
davidphogan     

Divorach: I'm very confident that if I was ever a Santa I'd lean in close and whisper crazy stuff to kids... "What ever you do in the next 2 days, you MUST remember these words: starlight, billboard, mercury."

Later mom and dad would ask, "So.. what did Santa say to you??" Even if the kids remembered it the parents would assume the kids were crazy.


Every Santa they'd see after that would also likely wind up very confused.

I love it.

07 Dec 2012 12:00 PM
miniflea     

brigid_fitch: miniflea: Is this a good place to mention I once worked with a guy who had another job as a mall Easter bunny and was by bizarre coincidence also a furry?

That's...frightening. But not a bizarre coincidence. I'm sure he sought out the job.

/Sadly, I know a couple of furries
//Nice guys but, even after 10 years, I still can't wrap my head around that particular lifestlye choice


Was being a tad sarcastic. And he wasn't a bad guy, though he wasn't well liked among my other coworkers. I've worked retail in malls during the holiday season, in a toy store, and my heart goes out to all the mall Santa that put up with it for what Im sure is a less than adequate paycheck.

07 Dec 2012 12:02 PM
Maud Dib     
Being Santa has some advantages.
Like a troupe of belly dancers sitting on your lap.
That's me in the middle of the pile.
Ho Ho Ho , indeed.

i865.photobucket.comView Full Size

07 Dec 2012 12:04 PM
omgbears     

cgraves67: miniflea: Is this a good place to mention I once worked with a guy who had another job as a mall Easter bunny and was by bizarre coincidence also a furry?

On the one hand, that's his dream job. On the other, I smell a conflict of interest. But if he's so much a furry that he only gets off on yarfing, or whatever they call it, with other furries, then there's no risk to the little kids.


From what I understand the furries that are on the up and up make a distinction between furry and sexy-time furry, much like the rest of us compartmentalize our lives and our sexy-times. So they may have one fursuit to wear to in public, at children's birthday parties, fur cons (which are actually supposed to be family friendly), and a separate fursuit for the yiffing. Of course, there's creeps in every community...

07 Dec 2012 12:05 PM
sasbazooka     
Headline sounds like a primer for the Japanese porn industry.

07 Dec 2012 12:06 PM
nickturn     

Wellon Dowd: Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho

[i.imgur.com image 400x315]


Eva Angelina used to be so hot

07 Dec 2012 12:09 PM
Bathysphere     
The worst part was when an adult day care center would come to visit. I'd be going through the line, attempting to ask people what types of pictures they wanted, and would run into droolers, grabbers, mutes and Screamers before a handle stepped in. It wasn't that I didn't know these people were....exceptional, it was mandatory to shill photo sets to every adult in line.

07 Dec 2012 12:15 PM
Creepy Lurker Guy     
So, a Mall-Santa needs to wear Depends inside-out to deal with kids peeing in his lap?

07 Dec 2012 12:20 PM
strapp3r     
strange but true...

msnbcmedia.msn.comView Full Size


^this^ santa was a guest at my wedding

07 Dec 2012 12:20 PM
photogeek_2     
24.media.tumblr.comView Full Size


/hot like his writing

07 Dec 2012 12:38 PM
JackieRabbit     

JayGrrl: JackieRabbit: I've always thought of making a frightened two year old sit on Santa's lap as cruel. Kids that age are normally wary of and often frightened by strangers. When you take them into the crowded, loud, big decorated mall they are already sensory-overloaded. Putting them in the lap of some weirdly dressed stranger is just too much. Of course they are going to melt down. Santa doesn't mean anything to a child so young anyway.

Bullshiat. I knew Santa at 2 years old. I knew him after I turned one, wondering why he was raiding my kitchen (for booze.) Mom hired a random cousin to dress up as Santa for us and I was introduced to the slightly logged roly poly jolly sack that brought us presents.


You have a false memory, friend. No one can remember anything with clarity from so young an age. All you may know is some disjointed images that seem dreamlike. We all have a few of these. What you are remembering is stories your mother told you and associating them with events from around three or four years of age.

07 Dec 2012 12:40 PM
Snarcoleptic_Hoosier    [TotalFark]  
I work in retail and the current mall's Santa is orders of magnitude better than in years past (the bastards who run the mall put Santa right outside the store I work in, so I get front row tickets to EVERYTHING). Kudos to anyone who deals with it, because that job does NOT look like fun.

I will give one CSB: The same mall does an Easter Bunny every year, and I've had the thought that I would want to do it, just to find one kid for a perfect picture. The kid would be have to skittish and completely afraid of the giant bunny. Right before the picture is taken, you have to say something to the kid and freak them the hell out. Time it right, and that one picture is gold.

Photo Helper: "Okay, everyone smile... One... Two..."
From inside the bunny suit: "I'm going to eat you"

Kid screams, picture is taken, comedy gold. I figure you only get one of those, so make it count.

07 Dec 2012 12:48 PM
DerAppie     

cgraves67: miniflea: Is this a good place to mention I once worked with a guy who had another job as a mall Easter bunny and was by bizarre coincidence also a furry?

On the one hand, that's his dream job. On the other, I smell a conflict of interest. But if he's so much a furry that he only gets off on yarfing, or whatever they call it, with other furries, then there's no risk to the little kids.


Furries aren't all pedophiles. Besides, what are they going to do? Rape a kid after punching a hole through the store bought costume with the sheer force of his erection?

07 Dec 2012 01:03 PM
WTFDYW     
My first recollection of sitting on Santas lap? I was fascinated with his beard and got my finger tangled in it. It had to be awkward for the poor bastard.

07 Dec 2012 01:10 PM
KingKauff    [TotalFark]  
I'm an eating, drinking, smoking, farking santa

Prove it

07 Dec 2012 01:25 PM
Englebert Slaptyback     

Rufus Lee King


Fifty years have passed, and I still feel kind of bad about it.


If it helps, he's probably dead now.

07 Dec 2012 01:26 PM
KingKauff    [TotalFark]  

Rufus Lee King: Ah, yes. I remember my first visit to Santa. I'm pretty sure it was at the Sears-Roebuck store in Memphis, ca.1962. I was all happily excited about it until it was my turn. I got within about ten feet of the poor guy and freaked out entirely, turning around and bolting back down the runway while screaming like a banshee until my father was able to grab me and haul me out of there. I have no explanation for this.

I do recall the look on "Santa's" face, which I saw briefly from over my father's shoulder as he carried me off. I now can interpret that look as one of pure bewilderment, as in "What the hell did I do?"

Fifty years have passed, and I still feel kind of bad about it.


Thanks for the good laugh

07 Dec 2012 01:31 PM
Mega Steve     

brigid_fitch: I give huge props to mall Santas--they put up with a LOT. I love Christmas and, every few years, I get in a mood and want a picture with Santa. They're always good sports about it. And I always bring them a Starbucks gift card for putting up with me.

/Went to the Macy's Santa a few years ago for the first time ever
//That was a BLAST! Over an hour's wait but it didn't seem that long--the workers were really great. And they have about a dozen little cabins on the top floor, all with their backs to the line of people. There's a Santa in each one to cut down the wait time.


I'm sure they didn't mind you sitting on their laps

How fun would it be to dress up as the Krampus, run into Macy's, and run around terrifying children and parents alike? Sure, you'd probably get arrested, but it'd be an awesome story to tell. Maybe we can get anti-Semitic Elmo a new costume for Christmas

3.bp.blogspot.comView Full Size

07 Dec 2012 01:52 PM
Cerebral Knievel    [TotalFark]  

Englebert Slaptyback: Rufus Lee King

Fifty years have passed, and I still feel kind of bad about it.


If it helps, he's probably dead now.


That made me laugh more than i should have

07 Dec 2012 02:01 PM
Optimal_Illusion     

Mega Steve: brigid_fitch: I give huge props to mall Santas--they put up with a LOT. I love Christmas and, every few years, I get in a mood and want a picture with Santa. They're always good sports about it. And I always bring them a Starbucks gift card for putting up with me.

/Went to the Macy's Santa a few years ago for the first time ever
//That was a BLAST! Over an hour's wait but it didn't seem that long--the workers were really great. And they have about a dozen little cabins on the top floor, all with their backs to the line of people. There's a Santa in each one to cut down the wait time.

I'm sure they didn't mind you sitting on their laps

How fun would it be to dress up as the Krampus, run into Macy's, and run around terrifying children and parents alike? Sure, you'd probably get arrested, but it'd be an awesome story to tell. Maybe we can get anti-Semitic Elmo a new costume for Christmas

[3.bp.blogspot.com image 400x266]


Awesome pic! I have a few Krampus photos on my compy at home, and needed a new one to add to the collection. If someone does try to do this at a department store, they need to have a few flyers handy to explain that he is St. Nick's buddy, and wants to make sure that all the kids there are good boys and girls.

07 Dec 2012 02:32 PM
suthrnrunt     
i wonder how many mall santa's get turned on by the golden showers and even more so by children doing it.

07 Dec 2012 05:06 PM
John Buck 41    [TotalFark]  
Well Done/in one.

07 Dec 2012 10:51 PM
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