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   Article about how to have great sex as parents written by someone who either isn't a parent, has only one child and/or can afford to not raise their own kids

08 Dec 2012 01:44 PM   |   9470 clicks   |   Today
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Peter von Nostrand    [TotalFark]  
I'm assuming go get some strange isn't in TFA

08 Dec 2012 12:16 PM
Barfmaker    [TotalFark]  
My partner doesn't share the load with me

If it's a small load just do it by hand.

08 Dec 2012 12:32 PM
Gulper Eel    [TotalFark]  
The elvers are at their grandparents' tonight and so my wife and I have the whole day to ourselves, but we can't remember how to get a kick out of this article...

08 Dec 2012 12:38 PM
HeadbangerSmurf    [TotalFark]  
My wife and I have been having great sex since we first met. It's all about drugging your kids, I mean, putting them to bed early...

08 Dec 2012 01:03 PM
whistleridge    [TotalFark]  
How to have great sex with kids in the house:

1. Don't have kids
2. Don't let kids in the house
3. Have great sex whenever you like

08 Dec 2012 01:46 PM
WhippingBoy     
What is this "sex" you speak of?
I asked my wife, and she didn't know.

08 Dec 2012 01:47 PM
MFAWG     

HeadbangerSmurf: My wife and I have been having great sex since we first met. It's all about drugging your kids, I mean, putting them to bed early...


She's sitting next to you on the couch, isn't she?

08 Dec 2012 01:47 PM
Jedekai     

Gulper Eel: The elvers are at their grandparents' tonight and so my wife and I have the whole day to ourselves, but we can't remember how to get a kick out of this article...


The fact that you know what juvenile eels are called makes me a little bit happier about the human race.

08 Dec 2012 01:47 PM
KrispyKritter     
no kids, sex free for so long can't remember what it feels like.

/shoot me. just, please, shoot me now

08 Dec 2012 01:52 PM
Babbs     
I find it just the opposite. It was fun finding new and exciting places to have sex to hide from the kids. Now that we're empty nesters, being able to haves sex any time you want seems....boring. Or maybe it's just because we are old now.

08 Dec 2012 01:52 PM
pxlboy    [TotalFark]  

whistleridge: How to have great sex with kids in the house:

1. Don't have kids
2. Don't let kids in the house
3. Have great sex whenever you like


This. Not having kids and the girlfriend doesn't, either. Win/win.

08 Dec 2012 01:53 PM
farkin_noob     
The ex and I never had issues finding time for sex. We'd have sexytimes at least twice a day. Although, my son slept through the night since he was born. YMMV

08 Dec 2012 01:54 PM
willicus     
My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?

08 Dec 2012 01:56 PM
PsychoTherapist     

willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to well below normal in a few weeks years.


There we go.

08 Dec 2012 02:00 PM
Prank Call of Cthulhu     
graphics8.nytimes.comView Full Size

Knows a way you can have great sex with kids.

08 Dec 2012 02:01 PM
dopekitty74     
My ex and i maintained a nearly daily shag session after kids...

Sex is NOT the glue. He was a great lay and never had complaints about me either, but things just didn't work out in the end.

Current hubby is my absolute soulmate, but doesn't fark me enough..

/sigh

08 Dec 2012 02:02 PM
tricycleracer     

pxlboy: whistleridge: How to have great sex with kids in the house:

1. Don't have kids
2. Don't let kids in the house
3. Have great sex whenever you like

This. Not having kids and the girlfriend doesn't, either. Win/win.


We should all start a club with a newsletter and t-shirts.

08 Dec 2012 02:03 PM
durbnpoisn    [TotalFark]  
Oh, I remember those fun days of, "Put on 'Bob the Builder' and let's go upstairs for 15 minutes."

My kids are 13 and 11 now. So today, we just say, "if the door is locked, and you knock, we will beat you repeatedly".

08 Dec 2012 02:04 PM
tricycleracer     
"Sex is boring now." I've talked to parents who spend more time planning their child's birthday party than their sex lives. Make a date and tell each other over dinner how you like to build up to sex and what your favorite things are to do in bed. This takes courage and vulnerability - two qualities that truly keep sex spicy.

media.tumblr.comView Full Size


/The safe word is "banana".

08 Dec 2012 02:04 PM
Mayhem of the Black Underclass     
Occupy your children. Sneak away for sex. Sneak back in as if you were back in high school.

08 Dec 2012 02:05 PM
skullkrusher     

willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?


my wife's sex drive went into overtime when she was preggo. Now, not so much. Little Life Ruiners

/congrats and good luck!

08 Dec 2012 02:06 PM
skullkrusher     

skullkrusher: willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?

my wife's sex drive went into overtime when she was preggo. Now, not so much. Little Life Ruiners

/congrats and good luck!


I guess that would be "overdrive"... whatevs, she liked the penis a lot then

08 Dec 2012 02:07 PM
lackadaisicalfreakshow     
Hire out every possible piece of non-essential work that you can afford.

Yeeeeeah, you do that. Let me know how the soul-eating guilt affects your sex drive.

08 Dec 2012 02:10 PM
L.D. Ablo    [TotalFark]  
This is why I won't date a single mother. Well, one nighters are still OK.

08 Dec 2012 02:11 PM
whistleridge    [TotalFark]  

tricycleracer: pxlboy: whistleridge: How to have great sex with kids in the house:

1. Don't have kids
2. Don't let kids in the house
3. Have great sex whenever you like

This. Not having kids and the girlfriend doesn't, either. Win/win.

We should all start a club with a newsletter and t-shirts.


Only if we can also have meetings where we swap girlfriends and have great sex, without having to worry about finding a sitter.

08 Dec 2012 02:14 PM
picturescrazy     
No kids but my wife hasn't had a period in 74 days now. Still fails pregnancy tests. I think maybe it's time for a blood test.

08 Dec 2012 02:15 PM
Larry Mahnken     

skullkrusher: skullkrusher: willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?

my wife's sex drive went into overtime when she was preggo. Now, not so much. Little Life Ruiners

/congrats and good luck!

I guess that would be "overdrive"... whatevs, she liked the penis a lot then


She likes the penis a lot now, just not yours.

/everyone is banging your wife.

08 Dec 2012 02:16 PM
skullkrusher     

Larry Mahnken: skullkrusher: skullkrusher: willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?

my wife's sex drive went into overtime when she was preggo. Now, not so much. Little Life Ruiners

/congrats and good luck!

I guess that would be "overdrive"... whatevs, she liked the penis a lot then

She likes the penis a lot now, just not yours.

/everyone is banging your wife.


I thought our bank account seemed a lot bigger recently.

08 Dec 2012 02:18 PM
whistleridge    [TotalFark]  

L.D. Ablo: This is why I won't date a single mother. Well, one nighters are still OK.


08 Dec 2012 02:23 PM
Old Smokie     
The world would be a lot better place if people with kids didn't have sex.

08 Dec 2012 02:23 PM
spaten     

Mayhem of the Black Underclass: Occupy your children. Sneak away for sex. Sneak back in as if you were back in high school.


This

Sex doesn't have to get boring when you have kids

Go to the strip club, watch porn, and sex shops when they are in school...Keep it interesting. Put the kids to bed at 8 o'clock or earlier.

We also have an agreement when I travel for work...

So no sex doesn't have to end after kids, but I have a good woman who understands that we don't have to be monogamous to be committed.

08 Dec 2012 02:24 PM
whistleridge    [TotalFark]  

L.D. Ablo: This is why I won't date a single mother. Well, one nighters are still OK.


Cuba Gooding Jr. frowns on your shenanigans:

s18.postimage.orgView Full Size

08 Dec 2012 02:25 PM
tj614zu     
My married sex life is pretty much just trying to slam in a ragespank in the 20 after she leaves for work and before I have to hit the road.

08 Dec 2012 02:25 PM
My BRAND!     

Barfmaker: My partner doesn't share the load with me

If it's a small load just do it by hand.


Came (ha!) here for this. Leaving very satisfied.

/creampies

08 Dec 2012 02:27 PM
Mega Steve     
While children don't know what goes on in the master bedroom (and if they do, time to invest in a better lock), they instinctively know whether their parents share chemistry.

When they're little, they also know when it's time to interrupt sexytime, or at least mine did.

Mommy! Daddy! Let me in! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

08 Dec 2012 02:30 PM
Coastalgrl     

KrispyKritter: no kids, sex free for so long can't remember what it feels like.

/shoot me. just, please, shoot me now


Your lady sounds like the woman I strive never to become.

Ladies: withholding sex from your man (partner) is a negative feedback loop. It only makes him/her upset and makes you biatchier and harder to deal with.

08 Dec 2012 02:31 PM
durbnpoisn    [TotalFark]  

spaten: Mayhem of the Black Underclass: Occupy your children. Sneak away for sex. Sneak back in as if you were back in high school.

This

Sex doesn't have to get boring when you have kids

Go to the strip club, watch porn, and sex shops when they are in school...Keep it interesting. Put the kids to bed at 8 o'clock or earlier.

We also have an agreement when I travel for work...

So no sex doesn't have to end after kids, but I have a good woman who understands that we don't have to be monogamous to be committed.


I was with you until that last sentence. You have committed yourself to being a complete asshole with that one, But, hey, if that is what works for you...

08 Dec 2012 02:31 PM
Evil Twin Skippy     
My wife and I have a baby that's 6 months old. And that's about how often we've gotten our groove on since he arrived. It's not lack of will. It's sheer exhaustion. The man-child doesn't quite grok the concept of sleeping through the night.

(Upgrading to larger living quarters soon. I suspect we'll sleep better after the lad gets his own room.)

08 Dec 2012 02:33 PM
solokumba     
Just video tape it and show it to them before school every day.

08 Dec 2012 02:35 PM
farkin_noob     

Coastalgrl: KrispyKritter: no kids, sex free for so long can't remember what it feels like.

/shoot me. just, please, shoot me now

Your lady sounds like the woman I strive never to become.

Ladies: withholding sex from your man (partner) is a negative feedback loop. It only makes him/her upset and makes you biatchier and harder to deal with.


This

Plus angry sex is the best sex!

08 Dec 2012 02:36 PM
SirDigbyChickenCaesar     

skullkrusher: Larry Mahnken: skullkrusher: skullkrusher: willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?

my wife's sex drive went into overtime when she was preggo. Now, not so much. Little Life Ruiners

/congrats and good luck!

I guess that would be "overdrive"... whatevs, she liked the penis a lot then

She likes the penis a lot now, just not yours.

/everyone is banging your wife.

I thought our bank account seemed a lot bigger recently.


3.bp.blogspot.comView Full Size

08 Dec 2012 02:38 PM
JohnnyC     
I am one of those married men with kids who still has great sex with his wife.

There are plenty of opportunities for us to have sex without worrying about the kids interrupting us or something like that. Generally we just wait until we've put them to bed. Or we might sneak some sex in the afternoon if the kids go over to a friend's house to play or something like that.

We try to vary up the sex as much as possible... not doing the same things every time. We also try to think up new things to try as well. It doesn't have to be boring... of course that probably depends on who you're with. Some people just aren't into anything out of the ordinary. I'll count myself lucky that my wife is cool with trying new things.

08 Dec 2012 02:38 PM
MemeSlave     

picturescrazy: No kids but my wife hasn't had a period in 74 days now. Still fails pregnancy tests. I think maybe it's time for a blood test.


She's a dude and finally loosened up enough to stop bleeding.

08 Dec 2012 02:41 PM
CoysOdie     

Peter von Nostrand: I'm assuming go get some strange isn't in TFA


TFA ????????

Acronym Definition
TFA Transformers: Animated (TV cartoon)
TFA Trifluoroacetic Acid
TFA Teach For America
TFA Toughest Firefighter Alive (firefighter challenge)
TFA Très Faible Activité (French: Very Slow Activity; nuclear waste radioactivity measurement)
TFA Trans Fatty Acid
TFA Things Fall Apart (Chinua Achebe book)
TFA Thyroid Foundation of America
TFA Two Factor Authentication (computer security authentication)
TFA Temporary Family Assistance (Connecticut)
TFA Total Fatty Acids
TFA Transitional Finance Authority (New York City)
TFA Time for Action
TFA Tennessee Forestry Association (Nashville, TN)
TFA Thanks For Asking
TFA Texas Forensic Association
TFA The Fallen Angels (gaming clan)
TFA Task Force Alpha (Vietnam era military operation)
TFA Total Flow Area (petroleum industry)
TFA Transparent File Access
TFA The Future Antiques (St. Louis, MO)
TFA Threat from Above (World of Warcraft group quest)
TFA Tanks Focus Area
TFA Toxic Free Area
TFA Tangible Fixed Assets
TFA Target Factor Analysis
TFA Trend Filtering Algorithm
TFA Total Fixed Assets
TFA Trade Facilitation Alliance
TFA The Fashion Association (now part of American Apparel and Footwear Association)
TFA TIE Fighter Alliance (gaming organization)
TFA Temporary Field Authorization (Canada)
TFA Technical Field Assistance
TFA Trust Fund Advisors, Inc.
TFA The Firefly Academy (online, nature-based school)
TFA Transfer Function Analyzer
TFA Technical Field Advisor (various organizations)
TFA Telecommunications For All (email news)
TFA The Friendly Alliance (gaming clan)
TFA Traditionalfolkart.com
TFA Technical Focus Area
TFA The Fighting Alliance (gamming clan)
TFA Trade Fair Authority (India)
TFA Tanganyika Farmers' Association Limited (Arusha, Tanzania)
TFA The Freaking Article (also see RTFA; polite form)
TFA Total Force Assessment
TFA Transfer Frame Assembly
TFA Transient Fault Analysis
TFA Take for Action
TFA Treated Fresh Air Unit (indoor ventilation; India)
TFA Topic-Focus Articulation (linguistics)
TFA Trajectory Feasibility Analysis
TFA Timber Frame Association (UK)
TFA Time Finance Adjusters (Daytona Beach, FL)
submit new definition

08 Dec 2012 02:41 PM
Yoyo     
My dad had a job with 4 weeks of vacation per year. One of those weeks was mom and dad alone vacation. I firmly believe that my dad was getting some to the week he died. My brothers and I had a live-in baby sitter for one week each year. And then there was also sleep-away summer camp.

Guys I used to work with in the Army had a thing called the "nooner." Who needs a baby sitter when you have public schools and an hour and a half lunch break? One of them had a video tape with 6 1/2 hour Barney episodes that would keep his daughter glued to the TV downstairs while he and mom tried to make a son upstairs. When my platoon was about to leave Afghanistan, the 20 pack of Disney DVDs was hugely popular among those married with children.

It can be done. We have the technology.

Regarding the articles complaints:
1. Morning wood.
2. Hire a maid.
3. Toys.
4. Cell phone.

08 Dec 2012 02:42 PM
Smeggy Smurf     
Go to your room kids I'm going to fark your mother

/never fails to work

08 Dec 2012 02:42 PM
megarian    [TotalFark]  
I'm tired of doing all the work. Le sexy time would be vastly improved if I wasn't the only one putting in effort.

Kids + sex = too much work.

I think I need to get a pool boy. Might be suspicious... I don't have a pool.

08 Dec 2012 02:45 PM
rubi_con_man     
Get divorced;

as far as I can tell, the happiest 'parents' I can see are those who get to dump their kids on their Ex and go on a farky-farky vacation with their BF or GF

08 Dec 2012 02:45 PM
rubi_con_man     

megarian: I'm tired of doing all the work. Le sexy time would be vastly improved if I wasn't the only one putting in effort.

Kids + sex = too much work.

I think I need to get a pool boy. Might be suspicious... I don't have a pool.


If you're the girl and you are doing all the work that means that you are too bossy in bed.

Trust me : If you told you man to "take you any way you (he) sees fit" he could manage it.

Your preconceived notions of what married sex should be like is what killed your married sex.

08 Dec 2012 02:46 PM
drayno76     

CoysOdie: Peter von Nostrand: I'm assuming go get some strange isn't in TFA

TFA ????????

Acronym Definition
TFA Transformers: Animated (TV cartoon)
TFA Trifluoroacetic Acid
TFA Teach For America
TFA Toughest Firefighter Alive (firefighter challenge)


snip...


"TFA The Freaking Article (also see RTFA; polite form)"
Rewording of for Read The Farking Article.

08 Dec 2012 02:47 PM
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