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   A true Christmas classic: David Sedaris reads Santaland Diaries

24 Dec 2012 11:35 AM   |   3762 clicks   |   NPR
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moothemagiccow     
too bad it's faaaake

24 Dec 2012 11:36 AM
rjakobi     
Say what you like about David, but I approve of his idea of Santa just stealing toys from the naughty kids because coal is too expensive.

24 Dec 2012 11:43 AM
sigdiamond2000    [TotalFark]  

moothemagiccow: too bad it's faaaake


Why is that "too bad?"

24 Dec 2012 11:44 AM
Plant Rights Activist     
So what is with NPRs fascination with Sedaris? I swear he is on the station like every month.

24 Dec 2012 11:55 AM
BalugaJoe    [TotalFark]  
I like his books.

24 Dec 2012 11:59 AM
i upped my meds-up yours     
I think it's his voice. He has the perfect androgynous, tendentious, generalized East Coast delivery.

24 Dec 2012 11:59 AM
Comsamvimes     
I prefer his "Six to Eight Black Men" story when it comes to Christmas.

24 Dec 2012 12:02 PM
sigdiamond2000    [TotalFark]  

i upped my meds-up yours: I think it's his voice. He has the perfect androgynous, tendentious, generalized East Coast delivery.


He's from North Carolina.

24 Dec 2012 12:04 PM
shanteyman     
God, he's a douche ! I wish NPR would fire his snarky, hipster arse !

24 Dec 2012 12:05 PM
LouDobbsAwaaaay     

moothemagiccow: too bad it's faaaake


Spoiler alert: So is Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, Moby Dick, House of Leaves, Dr. Who, and everything else that has ever obviously been fiction, ever.

24 Dec 2012 12:05 PM
Johnny Bananapeel     

LouDobbsAwaaaay: moothemagiccow: too bad it's faaaake

Spoiler alert: So is Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, Moby Dick, House of Leaves, Dr. Who, and everything else that has ever obviously been fiction, ever.


www.genesis.net.auView Full Size


While we're at it.

24 Dec 2012 12:14 PM
The English Major    [TotalFark]  

Comsamvimes: I prefer his "Six to Eight Black Men" story when it comes to Christmas.


I love that story. I read the updated Holidays on Ice last week. Another one that gets me is "Seasons Greetings to Our Friends and Family!!!!"

24 Dec 2012 12:14 PM
Raptop     
Big Boy
by David Sedaris
(excerpt from Me Talk Pretty One Day)

It was Easter Sunday in Chicago, and my sister Amy and I were attending an afternoon dinner at the home of our friend John. The weather was nice, and he'd set up a table in the backyard so that we might sit in the sun. Everyone had taken their places, when I excused myself to visit the bathroom, and there, in the toilet, was the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life - no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito. I flushed the toilet, and the big turd trembled. It shifted position, but that was it. This thing wasn't going anywhere. I thought briefly of leaving it behind for someone else to take care of, but it was too late for that. Too late, because before getting up from the table, I'd stupidly told everyone where I was going. "I'll be back in a minute," I'd said. "I'm just going to run to the bathroom."

My whereabouts were public knowledge. I should have said I was going to make a phone call. I'd planned to urinate and maybe run a little water over my face, but now I had this to deal with. The tank refilled, and I made a silent promise. The deal was that if this thing would go away, I'd repay the world by performing some unexpected act of kindness. I flushed the toilet a second time, and the big turd spun a lazy circle. "Go on," I whispered. "Scoot! Shoo!" I turned away, ready to perform my good deed, but when I looked back down, there it was, bobbing to the surface in a fresh pool of water. Just then someone knocked on the door, and I stated to panic.

"Just a minute."

At an early age my mother sat me down and explained that everyone has bowel movements. "Everyone," she'd said. "Even the president and his wife." She'd mentioned our neighbors, the priest, and several of the actors we saw each week on television. I'd gotten the overall picture, but natural or not, there was no way I was going to take responsibility for this one. "Just a minute." I seriously considered lifting this turd out of the toilet and tossing it out the window. It honestly crossed my mind, but john lived on the ground floor and a dozen people were seated at a picnic table ten feet away. They'd see the window open and notice something dropping to the ground. And these were people who would surely gather round and investigate. Then there I'd be with my unspeakably filthy hands, trying to explain that it wasn't mine. But why bother throwing it out the window if it wasn't mine? No one would have believed me except the person who had left it in the first place, and chances were pretty slim that the freak in question would suddenly step forward and own up to it. I was trapped.

"I'll be out in a second!"

I scrambled for a plunger and used the handle to break the turd into manageable pieces, all the while thinking that it wasn't fair, that this was technically not my job. Another flush and it still didn't go down. Come on, pal. Let's move it. While waiting for the tank to refill, I thought maybe I should wash my hair. It wasn't dirty, but I needed some excuse to cover the amount of time I was spending in the bathroom. Quick, I thought. Do something. By now the other guests were probably thinking I was the type of person who uses dinner parties as an opportunity to defecate and catch up on my reading.

"Here I come. I'm just washing up."

One more flush and it was all over. The thing was gone and out of my life. I opened the door, to find my friend Janet, who said, "Well, it's about time." And I was left thinking that the person who'd abandoned the huge turd had no problem with it, so why did I? Why the big deal? Had it been left there to teach me a lesson? Had a lesson been learned? Did it have anything to do with Easter? I resolved to put it all behind me, and then I stepped outside to begin examining the suspects

24 Dec 2012 12:15 PM
moothemagiccow     

LouDobbsAwaaaay: moothemagiccow: too bad it's faaaake

Spoiler alert: So is Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, Moby Dick, House of Leaves, Dr. Who, and everything else that has ever obviously been fiction, ever.


found this book in the nonfiction section of my library

24 Dec 2012 12:17 PM
Palmer Eldritch    [TotalFark]  
Wait, House of Leaves was fiction?

24 Dec 2012 12:18 PM
LouDobbsAwaaaay     

moothemagiccow: LouDobbsAwaaaay: moothemagiccow: too bad it's faaaake

Spoiler alert: So is Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, Moby Dick, House of Leaves, Dr. Who, and everything else that has ever obviously been fiction, ever.

found this book in the nonfiction section of my library


Idiots or lazy people? In YOUR library? It's more likely than you think.

24 Dec 2012 12:20 PM
CarnySaur     

LouDobbsAwaaaay: moothemagiccow: LouDobbsAwaaaay: moothemagiccow: too bad it's faaaake

Spoiler alert: So is Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, Moby Dick, House of Leaves, Dr. Who, and everything else that has ever obviously been fiction, ever.

found this book in the nonfiction section of my library

Idiots or lazy people? In YOUR library? It's more likely than you think.


Well, now I feel stupid because I always thought it was a non-fictional anecdote.

24 Dec 2012 12:36 PM
dprathbun     

moothemagiccow: too bad it's faaaake


Go back to f*cking sheep. Or whatever it is you do in Texas. Or Wyoming.

24 Dec 2012 12:36 PM
dictyboy     

The English Major: Comsamvimes: I prefer his "Six to Eight Black Men" story when it comes to Christmas.

I love that story. I read the updated Holidays on Ice last week. Another one that gets me is "Seasons Greetings to Our Friends and Family!!!!"


My favorite is "Dinah the Christmas Whore."

24 Dec 2012 12:43 PM
tical     
At first I confused David Sedaris for David Rackoff, and was going to rant about what insensitive jerks some of you were, then I realized I'm a dumbarse.

24 Dec 2012 12:49 PM
OscarTamerz     
Yet another reason to get rid of NPR. It's hard to decidle who has the more annoyingly constipated delivery, him or Ira Glass.

24 Dec 2012 01:11 PM
Allen. The end.     

Palmer Eldritch: Wait, House of Leaves was fiction?


Cripes, I hope so!!

24 Dec 2012 01:34 PM
Bedstead Polisher     
I prefer reading it myself, I don't care for his delivery.

24 Dec 2012 01:44 PM
LumberJack     
This was crap, sorry. I got a chuckle out of "I'm going to have you fired/I'm going to have you killed", but that was it. This guy sounded like he belonged on This American Life (which I detest) and maybe he IS on that show. His voice grates on my every last nerve, which is no way to spend any part of the year, much less the Christmas season.

Raptop: Big Boy
by David Sedaris
(excerpt from Me Talk Pretty One Day)

It was Easter Sunday in Chicago...


If you want a FUNNY potty story, I'll just leave this here: The Ryan's Steakhouse "Greatest Story Ever Told" (Poppitty)

24 Dec 2012 02:16 PM
The English Major    [TotalFark]  

dictyboy: My favorite is "Dinah the Christmas Whore."


Oh, God, that is a classic.

24 Dec 2012 02:21 PM
Dear Jerk     
I forgot the Billie Holiday bit was in there. Hilarious. I like him and his sister, too. That is one warped family.

24 Dec 2012 02:30 PM
AbbeySomeone     

sigdiamond2000: i upped my meds-up yours: I think it's his voice. He has the perfect androgynous, tendentious, generalized East Coast delivery.

He's from North Carolina.


He grew up in NY state and moved to NC when he was 10 or 12.
He is hilarious.

24 Dec 2012 02:54 PM
swahnhennessy     
Was just listening to Holidays on Ice a few days ago. Goddamn, I love Sedaris.

24 Dec 2012 02:55 PM
Jack Kerouac     

OscarTamerz: Yet another reason to get rid of NPR. It's hard to decidle who has the more annoyingly constipated delivery, him or Ira Glass.


Ira reminds me of the classic rail thin, bespectacled, collegiate fellow who only speaks up at a party when he's sure he can win an argument. I've never seen his photo, but in my mind he looks like an effeminate Elvis Costelo with an insecure posture. Nonetheless, I love T.A.L. He really does a great program...

24 Dec 2012 03:32 PM
LouDobbsAwaaaay     

Jack Kerouac: Ira reminds me of the classic rail thin, bespectacled, collegiate fellow who only speaks up at a party when he's sure he can win an argument. I've never seen his photo, but in my mind he looks like an effeminate Elvis Costelo with an insecure posture.


"He talks like a f@g..."

OscarTamerz: Yet another reason to get rid of NPR. It's hard to decidle who has the more annoyingly constipated delivery, him or Ira Glass.


"... and his shiat's all retarded."

24 Dec 2012 03:53 PM
InovativelyFun     
I love his books and his delivery on air. Dinah the Christmas Whore is hilarious. I ROLF every time. He tells a story about trying to solve the mystery of poo covered towels in his family's bathroom that had me in tears. When I first heard Santa Land Diaries, it made me late to work, because I couldn't stop listening.

24 Dec 2012 03:53 PM
thegod082     
Does anyone know if Sedaris's sister's inclusion in "Elf" was some kind of wink to the lovers of this story?

24 Dec 2012 04:12 PM
michaelnatter     
thegod082 When Will Ferrell first meets Zooey she asks him if "Crumpet" put him up to this...I am fairly certain someone on the creative team was in on the joke.

24 Dec 2012 04:31 PM
thegod082     

michaelnatter: thegod082 When Will Ferrell first meets Zooey she asks him if "Crumpet" put him up to this...I am fairly certain someone on the creative team was in on the joke.


I never caught that. Thanks!

24 Dec 2012 04:36 PM
PaisleyHunter     
I just saw him do a reading at the lied center in lincoln ne. he swears a lot. hes also become rather pompous.

24 Dec 2012 04:45 PM
VespaGuy     
Saying that "Santaland Diaries" is fake is like fact-checking a comedy routine by Louis C.K..

Sedaris embellishes and exaggerates personal anecdotes to make them funny. There are people who really think his books are 100% factual?

24 Dec 2012 04:57 PM
floor     

VespaGuy: Saying that "Santaland Diaries" is fake is like fact-checking a comedy routine by Louis C.K..

Sedaris embellishes and exaggerates personal anecdotes to make them funny. There are people who really think his books are 100% factual?


As factual as a Bill O'Rielly historical novel.

24 Dec 2012 05:08 PM
Forbidden Doughnut     

OscarTamerz: Yet another reason to get rid of NPR. It's hard to decidle who has the more annoyingly constipated delivery, him or Ira Glass.


Nails on chalkboard, at least to my ears...

/ both of them

24 Dec 2012 05:09 PM
Theonceovertwice     
He's better in person. Never laughed so hard in my life. Love his books.

24 Dec 2012 05:18 PM
Mirrorz    [TotalFark]  
That guy creeps me out. I'm not too relaxed around people that collect human body parts.

24 Dec 2012 06:07 PM
ben_oakmag     
Comsamvimes : I prefer his "Six to Eight Black Men" story when it comes to Christmas.

I made the same comment in the alternative visitors to Father Christmas thread. Then had to go listen to Six to Eight Black Men on Youtube.

24 Dec 2012 06:52 PM
Indubitably     
42.

24 Dec 2012 07:29 PM
Indubitably     

Indubitably: 42.


This is the title of my first book, due out next year sometime...*)

24 Dec 2012 07:30 PM
i upped my meds-up yours     

sigdiamond2000: i upped my meds-up yours: I think it's his voice. He has the perfect androgynous, tendentious, generalized East Coast delivery.

He's from North Carolina.


Dear Jerk: I forgot the Billie Holiday bit was in there. Hilarious. I like him and his sister, too. That is one warped family.


www.amysedarisrocks.comView Full Size

I would hop Amy's bones so fast her sprinkles wouldn't have time to shake off.

24 Dec 2012 08:11 PM
Indubitably     

i upped my meds-up yours: sigdiamond2000: i upped my meds-up yours: I think it's his voice. He has the perfect androgynous, tendentious, generalized East Coast delivery.

He's from North Carolina.

Dear Jerk: I forgot the Billie Holiday bit was in there. Hilarious. I like him and his sister, too. That is one warped family.

[www.amysedarisrocks.com image 250x353]
I would hop Amy's bones so fast her sprinkles wouldn't have time to shake off.


Me too. She is beautiful.

24 Dec 2012 08:20 PM
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