Congratulations. Don't fark up.

blood test ...

/no, congrats

You're going to be a father today? That's pretty short notice.

Your kid is going to kill a bunch of people in a theater.

And that is all on you, amigo.

You f*cked up.

If she has waited nine months to tell you, your in for a rough ride.

Teach him how to throw

Keep her off the pole.

Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.

I hope you find the priesthood very rewarding.

Don't screw up!

Dishsoap will get puke and poop out of most fabrics.

Who found out first, you or Maury?

When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.

Buy a couple of sets of really small screw drivers:  Everything for children takes batteries and the battery doors are all secured by really small (in some cases hard to reach) screws.

SThis is a late parrot: Teach him how to throw

Seriously, start playing with your kids as soon as they are able.

give the kid  name that doesn't suck.

Congrats, subby!
I don't have any advice. Just don't forget to take care of you and your SO, and your relationship. And discipline that little brat, please for the sake of humanity.

it sure takes a load off MY chest.

Depending upon who I'd like to say congratulations , or get a paternity test, or have that thing aborted before you completely ruin yet another life you sick bastard.

sarahthustra: give the kid  name that doesn't suck.

I like the name Garth.

Congrats on the sex. Don't spend the gestation period kvetching about fatherhood. Just do it.

Professor Wormbog: it sure takes a load off MY chest.

Who shot their load on your chest?

/subby

Have you told the mother yet? Or might it not be hers?

Congrats!

Feed it french fries from McDonalds every day during its first few months and gradually get him used to eating cheeseburgers. Wait until he's at least five or six before his first tattoo.

AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.

Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.

Congrats, atticus!

platkat: Wait until he's at least five or six before his first tattoo.

Is that months or weeks?

The trick to parenthood is redundancy. You'll definitely screw the first one up and possibly the second, so you'll need to have at least two more.

I bet your kid will be gay.

Time to grow the fark up, snowflake.

If you have a girl, you should definitely sign her up for beauty pageants as soon as she can walk. The pageant world will teach her positive life skills that she will use in the real world.

You come here for advice...?

You're going to be a terrible father.

You're going to make mistakes.  Try not to make too many, and don't kick your own ass too much- kids are resilient.

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.

Also, the poo doesn't stink for the first couple of days. After that, and I suggest a little Vick's under your nostrils.

Oh and the thing about the umbilical chord stump, too.

Don't get too irritated at people saying "I bet it'll be a boy" or "I bet you're having a girl."  That's just what they do.

I even had one person say "I bet it'll be a hermaphrodite."  I just smiled weakly and said "thanks a lot, mom."

Phletchengreuber: The trick to parenthood is redundancy. You'll definitely screw the first one up and possibly the second, so you'll need to have at least two more.

There is much uncomfortable truth here.

that's so weird, because i was definitely thinking you probably SHOULD smell the umbilical cord stump. i mean it just sounds so tempting, how could you not?

sage is overrated.  use less of it in your dressing.

If you drop your kid, blame it on the dog.

Professor Wormbog: that's so weird, because i was definitely thinking you probably SHOULD smell the umbilical cord stump. i mean it just sounds so tempting, how could you not?

You ever smell the result of a laser scapel on human skin?  It would make a starving vulture vomit.

Congrats!

sarahthustra: sage is overrated.  use less of it in your dressing.

Sage goes in every field.


//well maybe not anymore, but it usta-did.

for real this is one of the best advice i've come across and i try to apply it to my sister because it really doesnt matter if theyre your kid or just a family member.

youre going to get angry, youre going to get stressed and life is going to fark with you. we can tell when someone is feeling like this but kids always find a way to internalize it so:

no matter how angry you are, no matter how sad or overloaded you are dont let that be the face you greet your child with. if you hear them toddle/run/walk into the room make sure that they see you smile whenever you see them. let the face they see when they find you be one that says 'i'm glad to see you, you make me happy' not your worried about bills face.

kids are special. make sure you always seem happy to see them, no matter how hard it is to put your own problems aside

Don't forget to eat the placenta!!

Ponzholio: If you drop your kid, blame it on the dog.

we have a home video of my parents bathing my sister and you hear my dad freak out because he thinks my mom was about to drop her.

hah i just laughed. sometimes we just tell her she was dropped

LlamaGirl: Don't forget to eat the placenta!!

That's the tastiest part!

AdolfOliverPanties: AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.

Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.

That's so weird. Why would you do that? And what did it smell like?

sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.

Well, congratulations to you Dad to be. I don't have any parenting advice -- what works for me might not work for you.

But I will say this - run interference for your wife when strangers ask to touch her belly. You just never know how that shiat's gonna go down. It's all about the hormone levels.