Not too much to add this week, enjoy the headlines.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2013-01-20 to Sat 2013-01-26:

  Two women wounded in Las Vegas soccer field shooting. If only the players were allowed to use their arms    

  Pianist caught in snow blower. Men everywhere flinch instinctively    

  Scientists find skeletal remains of a woman that had pelvic teeth. Think about that    

  Convicted IRA bomber and key witness against Gerry Adams found dead after tragically and accidentally stabbing herself in the back several times with a drug overdose    

  New research indicates lightning strikes trigger migrane headaches. That's putting it mildly    

  The Lord works in listerious wheys    

  Cop cops copper copping copper    

  Tortoise survives 30 years locked in a storeroom, tells reporters, "They went by pretty fast"    

  Hell hath no fury like a woman porned    

  Man arrested for stealing 166 manhole covers. Hopefully he gets to keep one with him in jail    

  Scientists say your molar roots are the result of Homo Erectus DNA, refuse to comment on how that got into your mouth    


Sports:

  For the first time since 2007, both Super Bowl head coaches will be brothers    

  Maloof brothers agree to sell Sacramento Kings to Seattle group led by investor Chris Hansen, although they believe the buyer is a 13-year old girl named Brandi    

  Teddy has hand picked Taft as the new Nationals mascot. This new alliance will help propel the two presidents to victory for at least four years until the fans tire of their shenanigans and they are replaced with Woodrow Wilson    


Geek:

  Mozilla reveals its first two Firefox phones, promptly asks you to reload the article to upgrade to v1.18.25.2    

  After bringing 640,000 cases of cholera to Haiti after the quake, the UN says it has a plan to fix things. In other news, Haiti braces for outbreaks of AIDS, smallpox, influenza, malaria, ebola, the plague, cancer, TB, polio and Sean Penn    

  Cuba activates first high-speed internet connection using only spare parts from a '53 Chevy    


Entertainment:

  John Cleese has to sell off props and photos to fund multi-million-pound divorce in "Monty Python and the Holy Sale"    

  In a headline one word too long, Jonas Brothers fan claims Joe Jonas blew him off    

  A looooHOOOOoook insIIIIIIIIIiiiide the wo-hu-hu-hu-rold of AAAAaaaron Ne-eh-eh-eh-viiiiiiiiile    


Politics:

  GOP leaders meeting this week to work on minority outreach, trying to get all shades of white people to join their party, from translucent all the way to artificially tanned    

  Obama spokesman claims Obama "would object" to the "annihilation" of the Republican Party, proving once again that he is out of the mainstream and not in touch with what the average American really wants    

  Mark Kelly: Gabby and I will do "whatever it takes" for gun control. When asked for comment, Gabby responded: "no sidewindin' bushwackin', hornswagglin' cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter"    


Business:

  AT&T "snatches" Alltel, obviously creating AT&T&A    

  Best Buy briefly downgraded to Marginal Buy    

  Starbucks 1Q up 13%, pleasing investors, shareholders, bean counters