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   "He has convinced us that only God could come into our lives through the mouth," says 23-year-old woman about pastor who claimed his penis had been anointed with the "Holy Spirit divine semen"

31 Jan 2013 05:39 PM   |   22647 clicks   |   M24 Digital
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Diogenes    [TotalFark]  
Geez...there must be better come-on lines than that.

31 Jan 2013 05:11 PM
unlikely     
I wonder if he tips at Applebees

31 Jan 2013 05:15 PM
Slaxl     
Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?

31 Jan 2013 05:18 PM
Diogenes    [TotalFark]  

Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?


Caveat sexor?

31 Jan 2013 05:21 PM
FirstNationalBastard    [TotalFark]  
O cum all ye faithful.

31 Jan 2013 05:27 PM
AdolfOliverPanties     
I am repeatedly amazed at how farking stupid and gullible some people are.

31 Jan 2013 05:27 PM
Jubeebee     

Diogenes: Geez...there must be better come-on lines than that.


This sounds more like a come-in line.

31 Jan 2013 05:29 PM
Diogenes    [TotalFark]  
I have a mental picture of Jesus beating it at the Last Supper table and howling, "Swallow this in remembrance of me!" to the Apostles.

31 Jan 2013 05:29 PM
Diogenes    [TotalFark]  

Jubeebee: Diogenes: Geez...there must be better come-on lines than that.

This sounds more like a come-in line.


You'll definitely remember taking Cummunion in his church.

31 Jan 2013 05:30 PM
Fark Rye For Many Whores     
www.turnbacktogod.comView Full Size
Eat this and rub member of me.

31 Jan 2013 05:34 PM
Lollipop165     
There are such stupid people on this earth.

31 Jan 2013 05:35 PM
jaylectricity    [TotalFark]  

Diogenes: Geez...there must be better come-on lines than that.


If there is, I've never thought of it. I've never thought of one that worked more than once and this one was working for quite awhile for him.

31 Jan 2013 05:40 PM
Satanic_Hamster     
What, no hero tag?

31 Jan 2013 05:41 PM
Witty_Retort     
i.ytimg.comView Full Size

31 Jan 2013 05:41 PM
iheartscotch    [TotalFark]  
This reminds me of a horrible joke:


If you wake up on December 26th with a bad taste in your mouth; remember, Santa only comes once a year.

31 Jan 2013 05:42 PM
calbert    [TotalFark]  
farm9.staticflickr.comView Full Size

31 Jan 2013 05:42 PM
ktybear     
whitethreads.files.wordpress.comView Full Size

31 Jan 2013 05:43 PM
StoPPeRmobile     
It's fraud, right? Since it's not official Jesus Love Juice?

31 Jan 2013 05:43 PM
busy chillin'     
His nickname is Sir Psycho Sexy

31 Jan 2013 05:44 PM
Jubeebee     

Diogenes: Jubeebee: Diogenes: Geez...there must be better come-on lines than that.

This sounds more like a come-in line.

You'll definitely remember taking Cummunion in his church.


Parishioners are to kneel and pray "Thy Kingdom Come" until his kingdom comes.

31 Jan 2013 05:44 PM
xaratherus     

unlikely: I wonder if he tips at Applebees


lol

"I give God 10 inches. Why should I give you 18??"

31 Jan 2013 05:44 PM
theorellior     
I was guessing Zimbabwe but the middle of Bumfark Brazil works too.

31 Jan 2013 05:46 PM
BronyMedic     
How are people this stupid?

31 Jan 2013 05:46 PM
FirstNationalBastard    [TotalFark]  

xaratherus: unlikely: I wonder if he tips at Applebees

lol

"I give God 10 inches. Why should I give you 18??"


Ah, so he only gives the tip at Applebees.

31 Jan 2013 05:47 PM
LordBollocks     
FTA "Valdecir was caught red-handed while rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, which promised to make more sales in her business due to the divine liquid."

Seriously how farking stupid can you be?

31 Jan 2013 05:47 PM
Old enough to know better     

AdolfOliverPanties: I am repeatedly amazed at how farking stupid and gullible some people are.


Not me. If people will buy the whole Bible thing, they'll buy anything.

31 Jan 2013 05:48 PM
LordSunder     
Oh come ON ye faithful

31 Jan 2013 05:49 PM
had98c     
FTA: According to the Pastor, "You have in your hands the servant of the Lord and do not regret it yet. I hope to continue my wonderful job within the prison".

You'll have plenty of chances to continue what you've been doing there in prison, pastor.

31 Jan 2013 05:49 PM
DeathByGeekSquad     

Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?


Uh, that would mean a majority of men at bars are rapists, and that women expect rapists when meeting guys at bars to the point of feeling awkward when they're talking with someone who isn't a rapist.

31 Jan 2013 05:49 PM
FirstNationalBastard    [TotalFark]  
...and you thought Michael Jackson's version of Jesus Juice was bad.

31 Jan 2013 05:50 PM
xaratherus     

Old enough to know better: AdolfOliverPanties: I am repeatedly amazed at how farking stupid and gullible some people are.

Not me. If people will buy the whole Bible thing, they'll buy anything.


After buying into a story wherein an all-powerful being creates a bunch of lesser beings, condemns them for acting according to the nature with which he created them, impregnates a woman to give birth to him as a mortal, then sacrifices himself to himself so he can forgive all his creations the sins they committed that he not only KNEW they could commit but that he created them with the ability to commit in the first place?

Yeah, "God told me to bukkake you," isn't that hard to swallow...

/Pun intended

31 Jan 2013 05:51 PM
umad     
This guy totally stole my go-to Sunday school lesson plan.

/come get your salvation kids!

31 Jan 2013 05:51 PM
Warthog    [TotalFark]  

Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?


You mean rape by false pretenses.  The law varies by state, and can be complicated, but I think tends to turn on impersonating someone's spouse (rather than telling them you're rich when in fact you are poor, for example).  See this blog item on a recent California case.

31 Jan 2013 05:53 PM
Lady Beryl Ersatz-Wendigo     
I swear this was one of the stories in the Decameron.

31 Jan 2013 05:54 PM
Hagbardr     

unlikely: I wonder if he tips at Applebees


He stiffs the waitress.

31 Jan 2013 05:55 PM
NateAsbestos     
Having a hard time finding a "victim" in this scenario. In fairness I only briefly skimmed the article but it seems like the BJ's were passed out willingly so what's the problem? They're upset his spode didn't REALLY provide salvation? I don't think that sort of thing is covered by the law... you couldn't reasonably expect it to in the first place.

Caveat sextor as someone said above.

31 Jan 2013 05:55 PM
SpdrJay     
Only the really talented psychopaths make it big in religion, politics, and law enforcement.....

31 Jan 2013 05:55 PM
Keizer_Ghidorah     
So, would it be the body of Jizzus Christ?

31 Jan 2013 05:56 PM
Loucifer     
As an Agnostic, I really can't 100% say he's wrong. I'm pretty sure it's bullshiat, but don't hold me to it.

31 Jan 2013 05:56 PM
Last Man on Earth     

Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?


Not in this situation, no.  There's a distinction between what's called "fraud in the inducement," which is when someone is "tricked" into having sex under false pretenses ("I'm shipping to Afghanistan in the morning" kind of thing), and "fraud in the factum," which means someone is tricked into having sex when they don't know they're having it/think it's with someone else (posing as her husband in the dark, for instance).  In the first case, the "victim" knows they're having sex, understands all the implications, and consented anyway, so it's not rape.  That's what we have here.

There's actually a case, Boro v. Superior Court, where a guy called a woman up claiming to be a doctor.  He said he had the results of a recent medical exam, and she had a very rare disease.  There was a cure, but it involved either a very painful medical procedure or sex with a man who'd been dosed with a vaccine.  Supposedly the man's sperm would transfer the medicine.  The court found that while it was reprehensible, she fully understood and consented to the sex act, so it wasn't rape.

31 Jan 2013 05:57 PM
ph0rk     
Dude's got game.


Keizer_Ghidorah: So, would it be the body of Jizzus Christ?


Ha!

31 Jan 2013 05:58 PM
Profedius     
It still isn't rape and should not be treated as such.

31 Jan 2013 05:59 PM
MylesHeartVodak     
I'm coming, Jesus!

I
images.wikia.comView Full Size

/hot like a bottle of Ripple left in the truck.

31 Jan 2013 05:59 PM
ArkPanda     

Warthog: Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?

You mean rape by false pretenses.  The law varies by state, and can be complicated, but I think tends to turn on impersonating someone's spouse (rather than telling them you're rich when in fact you are poor, for example).  See this blog item on a recent California case.


Maybe some version of statutory?  I suppose they weren't unable to give consent, they were just dumbasses.

31 Jan 2013 05:59 PM
ph0rk     

ArkPanda: Maybe some version of statutory?  I suppose they weren't unable to give consent, they were just dumbasses.


If being too stupid to give consent becomes a thing (when not legally retarded), people are gonna have problems.

31 Jan 2013 06:00 PM
Fluid     
That's gonna cause some interesting transubstantiation.

31 Jan 2013 06:03 PM
Jument     

LordBollocks: FTA "Valdecir was caught red-handed while rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, which promised to make more sales in her business due to the divine liquid."

Seriously how farking stupid can you be?


You mean brilliant, right?

Stupid he got caught, but farking genius to have gotten it to work even a few times. Giant brass balls.

31 Jan 2013 06:03 PM
Lost_in_Korea     

AdolfOliverPanties: I am repeatedly amazed at how farking stupid and gullible some people are.


Yeah, some people will swallow anything.

31 Jan 2013 06:05 PM
artemusprine     
It's only semen until it transubstantiates.

31 Jan 2013 06:07 PM
Cyno01    [TotalFark]  
This guy is a scumbag for sure, but im gonna side with the its not really rape crowd on this one. Although i guess if youre dumb enough to fall for this it could be like those episodes of law and order cases where having sex with a tard is rape because they cant really consent...

Also for completely unrelated reasons, how does one go about starting a church? And attracting cute female redheaded parishioners?

31 Jan 2013 06:07 PM
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