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  • What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?? Cherry float.
    and one a young employee of mine told me yesterday...
    So yesterday I dropped a jar of mayonnaise , only reaction I had was aww hell man...

    tip jar is there, use it...
  • A man opened his refrigerator door to find a sleeping squirrel.
    "What are you doing in there?", the man asked.
    "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" the squirrel replied.
    "Yes, it is" the man said.
    "Well, I's westing", said the squirrel.

    Tip the veal.
  • My wife and I watched a couple of movies back to back.  Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
  • I will not post a corny joke.
    Fark user imageView Full Size


    I will stand defiantly against Subby in order to uphold the dignity of Fark.
  • The secrets to success:
    1) Never reveal everything you know.
  • Devolving_Spud: I will not post a corny joke.
    [Fark user image 480x262] [View Full Size image _x_]

    I will stand defiantly against Subby in order to uphold the dignity of Fark.


    Best joke so far.
  • I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord. I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly
  • I have two lawyers working for me. One's pro bono. The other one thinks he's a pretentious twat.
  • Dave drowned

    So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a life preserver ring.

    It's what he would have wanted.

    (Gary Delaney)
  • My friend died because we didn't know what blood type he was. He kept telling us be positive, but it's difficult without him.
  • I saw an ad in the local paper, "Radio for sale, broken volume knob, £1" and I thought "Well I can't turn that down".
  • Staying with the surrender monkey theme....


    A British gentlemen is eating lunch in a Parisian bistro when he notices there is a fly in his soup.  Indignantly, he calls the waiter over, points at the fly, and says "Le mouche!".   The waiter corrects him, and says "No, Monsieur, *LA* mouche!".

    The Brit squints at the bowl, looks up, and says "Damn you've got bloody good eyes!".
  • What do the movies "Titanic" and "The Sixth Sense" have in common?

    Icy dead people.
  • Here's one for you old Farkers:

    Two kingdoms are at war, the war has raged on for years and one of the kings is tired of it. He sends his bravest knight to negotiate peace, there is only one bridge connecting the two kingdoms and as the knight begins to cross it a huge yellow hand rises up from the river and crushes him. The king, wondering why he hasn't heard anything, sends his second bravest knight. When that knight tries to cross the bridge the huge yellow hand crushes him as well.

    After a while the king has run out of knights. So, he sends his page. When the page gets to the bridge and the huge yellow hand pops out of the water he jumps left to avoid it. Then he jumps right to avoid it again. Over and over until he makes it across the bridge and is able to negotiate peace with the other king.

    Moral of the story? Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
  • Why do astronauts only use Linux?

    You can't open Windows in space!
  • Rich Californian comes to Idaho to hunt elk. Doesn't use a guide, he's already read all there is to read on the subject.

    He tromps over the mountains for a week. Never sees an elk. Gets more and more depressed.

    Finally, on his last day in-country, as he's headed back to base, he sees his quarry afar off. He stalks in to about 400 yards. Its a tough shot, but his uber-magnum and years of paper punching pay off.

    He hikes in to the fallen animal, only to find an Idaho rancher reaching for his trophy. He goes ballistic, starts making threatening gestures with his rifle and screaming "I paid $$$$$$ to get here, and spent a week walking *&^**& miles to get that animal! Its $%^%$^% mine, you hayseed!"

    The rancher says "Ok, OK! Calm down! Just let me get my saddle off it, first!"
  • Monkey2: Here's one for you old Farkers:

    Two kingdoms are at war, the war has raged on for years and one of the kings is tired of it. He sends his bravest knight to negotiate peace, there is only one bridge connecting the two kingdoms and as the knight begins to cross it a huge yellow hand rises up from the river and crushes him. The king, wondering why he hasn't heard anything, sends his second bravest knight. When that knight tries to cross the bridge the huge yellow hand crushes him as well.

    After a while the king has run out of knights. So, he sends his page. When the page gets to the bridge and the huge yellow hand pops out of the water he jumps left to avoid it. Then he jumps right to avoid it again. Over and over until he makes it across the bridge and is able to negotiate peace with the other king.

    Moral of the story? Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.


    Ughhhhhhh
  • Why can't a nose be 12"? Because they it would be a foot.

    2 guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

    ***

    A guy walks into a bar, and pulls up to the table. He looks down the row and sees a dog sitting at the bar. He turns to the bartender and asks "what is that dog doing here?" The bartender says "that's my talking dog. He likes to loosen up for trivia night. You want to see?"

    "Yes", says the man.

    "O.K., dog. What is the outer covering of a tree called?"

    "BARK"

    The man turns to the bartender "um. Ask him another one"

    "What is the tip of a building called?"

    "Roof"

    The guy again turns to the bartender "ask him a harder question "

    "In the alphabet, what letter comes after T?"

    "UUUUU"

    The man turns to the bartender "what a load of crap, you are so full of it".

    The dog looks over at the man "What the fark is your problem?"
  • What's brown and bad for your teeth?

    A baseball bat.

    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.

    What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

    Dr. Dre.
  • What do you call bears with no ears?... B
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