• What do you calm a fly with no wings and no legs? A raisin.
  • Shagbert: What do you calm a fly with no wings and no legs? A raisin.

    Call. Call, dammit iPhone. :/
  • Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Ahch who?
  • A little boy has diarrhea and says to his mom, "I need some Viagra."

    His mother says, "why would you need that?"

    The boy replies, "Isn't that what you give Dad when his shiat won't get hard?"
  • A priest, a lawyer, a doctor, and an engineer are golfing buddies.  One day, they're stuck behind a slow foursome, and they ask the course steward if they can play through, but he refuses.  He tells them "Those four guys are firefighters.  We had a terrible fire a few years ago at the clubhouse and they saved the buildings.  Unfortunately, the chlorine in the pool building caught fire and gave off toxic smoke.  They're all legally blind and on disability, and to thank them for their bravery, we let them play for free with no interruptions whenever they want."

    The priest says "That's an inspiring story.  I'm going to use them as an example for my parishioners, and pray for their recovery.  You never know when a miracle might happen."
    The doctor says "There have been some real advances in eye treatments in the last year; I'm going to talk to my colleagues and see if we can get them into the next clinical trial."
    The attorney says "I know a way that they can get a better settlement than just disability, and it won't affect your insurance policy.  I'll do that work for them pro bono."
    The engineer says "Why can't they play at night?"
  • Why do lesbians prefer to shop at Cabela's?

    They don't like Dick's.
  • Why do gorillas have big noses? Because they have large fingers.
  • On a cruise ship far out to sea, one of the passengers happens to fall overboard. He's treading water while the ship's crew starts their rescue procedures, but several passengers watching from the ship notice the ominous approach of multiple triangular fins heading toward the passenger in the water.

    There is much screaming and wailing and gnashing of teeth among the passengers still aboard, because the approaching sharks are almost certainly going to reach the man in the water long before the crew gets the rescue boat in the water. Everyone is certain the poor fellow is going to die, which grows more likely as the sharks begin circling the man.

    One shark finally noses close to the man, and squeamish passengers still aboard turn away, certain the man will be torn to ribbons. Instead, to everyone's surprise, the sharks immediately form two lines from the swimming man to the ship, leaving an open lane in the middle so the man can swim back to the ship. Everyone is astonished, including the crew, who lower one of the boarding ladders for the man as he reached the ship's hull. As the man is helped up the boarding ladder and steps on deck, several passengers shout loudly, "It's a miracle! The sharks guided this man to the ship! He must have been blessed!"

    The swimmer shook his head in annoyance. "What? Nothing of the sort. That was no miracle. I'm an attorney. You just witnessed professional courtesy."
  • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and says:

    "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • My daughter's dog died the other day, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

    She just cried & my wife screamed at me "What are we supposed to do with two dead dogs!?"
  • If two vegans get into a fight, is it still called a beef?
  • Once went on a night hike with my soon to be ex-wife who said to me " I'm scared, these woods are creepy"

    I replied " Just typical, being selfish like always, what about me, I have to walk back alone?"
  • A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
    The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

    Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

    With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
    Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

    The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement the blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

    "S- ! This one's barefoot, too!!"
  • Young woman gets a job in a large law office as an executive assistant. Her first day the boss sets her down and explains what he expects of her and mentions that she must not book any appointment on Wednesdays from 10 to 2, he shoots golf and that's his standing tee time.

    The job goes pretty smooth Monday and Tuesday, he's pleased with her work, and on Wednesday he stops by about 9:45 and tells her "I'm going to shoot some golf, back around 2, just take messages." No sweat, she handles it, he comes back and pulls a couple of little white balls out of his pocket. "What are those?" she asks. "Golf balls" he tells her.

    Next Wednesday, same thing, he leaves, she takes messages, he comes back and takes a couple of little white balls from his pocket. "Oh," she says, "I see you shot another golf."
  • I was going to tell you a really funny airplane joke, but I think it'd just go over your head.
  • Heamer: I was going to tell you a really funny airplane joke, but I think it'd just go over your head.

    I have a really funny joke about construction. I'm building up to it.
  • There's 2 kinds of people in the world: those who are able to extrapolate.
  • Needlessly Complicated: I have a really funny joke about construction. I'm building up to it.

    I considered telling the joke about confusing a coin for a watch in my pocket; it didn't feel like the time.
  • Man wakes up in the hospital, doctor standing over him.
    Man says "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    Doctor says "it's okay, we amputated your arms"

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