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  • not as ridiculous as i thought it would be. i have hope.
  • No black girl's names? That's where the comedy lies.
  • I've annotated the first fifty. If I've offended you by making fun of your son's name, or your name, that was pretty much the point. I'll try to get the first fifty girls names done too.


    1. Aiden
    Give me a farking break. Number one is this mess?

    2. Jackson
    This is a last name.

    3. Ethan
    Tom Cruise character

    4. Liam
    Wouldn't be on chart without Neeson

    5. Mason
    This is a jar, not a first name.

    6. Noah
    Hi, my son is named after a drunk boat builder whose daughters got him drunk and farked him.

    7. Lucas
    This is a last name.

    8. Jacob
    OK, fine.

    9. Jayden
    what

    10. Jack
    This is the nickname for John. It's not a name.

    11. Logan
    Only OK if your son is never, ever a runner.

    12. Ryan
    Why? Jack Ryan? Ryan Seacrest? Why, people?

    13. Caleb
    You're not Irish. Why are you trying to be Irish?

    14. Benjamin
    OK. Tends to be a set up for an "all about" joke, but whatever.

    15. William
    Number fifteen, we finally get our first fairly traditional name.

    16. Michael
    And again, traditional name.

    17. Alexander
    Unless you're expecting extraordinary things from this boy, shy away from this name.

    18. Elijah
    Will go bald early, cause 42 children to be torn to pieces by bears after they tease him.

    19. Matthew
    Nice biblical name. Also, along with Michael, a name that has been associated with gay friends more often than any other names on this list. NTTAWWT.

    20. Dylan
    Last name. If you must do this to your boy, please teach him to speak in poetic mumbles.

    21. James
    Only works with Tiberius.

    22. Owen
    Heeeeeeeee....Hawwwwwww!

    23. Connor
    There should be only one. But it's 23rd.

    24. Brayden
    Go fark yourselves.

    25. Carter
    If named after the president, OK. If named after the ER character, meh. If named after the Backstreet Boy, shame.

    26. Landon
    If named after Alf, good on ya. If named after Michael, please go live in a little house on a prairie.

    27. Joshua
    I have never known a good person named Joshua. I imagine there are statistically people out there named Joshua who weren't assholes, but I've not met one.

    28. Luke
    If you must go Biblical, OK. If named after Mr. Perry, go maim yourself.

    29. Daniel
    I named my son this one. So it's OK.

    30. Gabriel
    If named after Peter, OK. If named after Mr. Kotter, even more so. If named after the archangel, your son will truly be a hellion by age 3.

    31. Nicholas
    Son will always be Romanoff.

    32. Nathan
    Really? A hot dog?

    33. Oliver
    Make his middle name "Clothesoff" and you have a deal.

    34. Henry
    Old fashioned, vaguely scary. Might not only marry once.

    35. Andrew
    Fairly normal name unless you live in South Florida.

    36. Gavin
    Only if you have a Love Boat fetish and wanted the captain really bad.

    37. Cameron
    It's a last name, or the name of a Terminatrix. As a last name, it's the name of a seriously douchey fundamentalist. Don't.

    38. Eli
    Only if you're Jewish. Only.

    39. Max
    Dog name. Only acceptable if you have another son named Min.

    40. Isaac
    Again, only if you were really into the Love Boat

    41. Evan
    Will be odd.

    42. Samuel
    OK bible name, but if he gets nicknamed Sammy, bad things may occur to him.

    43. Grayson
    No. Just no. I don't care how much you like the congressman from Central Florida.

    44. Tyler
    Only if first child was named Tippecanoe

    45. Zachary
    He'll be called "Zack", which sounds a bit too informal and a touch lacking in respect.

    46. Wyatt
    If there is any humor in the world, he will be nicknamed "Derp"

    47. Joseph
    Blah blah dreamcoat.

    48. Charlie
    OK, if a bit old. People who know about the unicorn videos may get a weirdly high level of amusement from your kid's name.

    49. Hunter
    Last name. Description. Not a first name

    50. David
    And fairly normal to round out the fifty.
  • 51. dahmers love zombie
    Has WAY too much times on his hands.
  • I see that Moxie Crimefighter has yet to make the cut.
  • Thank goodness only white kids are being born.
  • I knew this guy whose cousin's friend knew a girl who named her twins Lamonjelo and Oranjelo. Get it? Crazy stuff. And there was this other woman I heard about from this guy I know whose friend works in the hospital who knew a doctor who delivered a baby to a woman who named her daughter Chlamydia because she saw it on a poster and thought it sounded pretty. Chlamydia, ha! Next you know someone will be naming their kid Herpes.
  • Pocket Ninja: I knew this guy whose cousin's friend knew a girl who named her twins Lamonjelo and Oranjelo. Get it? Crazy stuff. And there was this other woman I heard about from this guy I know whose friend works in the hospital who knew a doctor who delivered a baby to a woman who named her daughter Chlamydia because she saw it on a poster and thought it sounded pretty. Chlamydia, ha! Next you know someone will be naming their kid Herpes.



    Your posts never fail to amuse.
  • No Adam in the Top 50? That's kind of surprising. My boyfriend and I are really boring, milquetoast people so if we ever have kids, they're going to have really traditional, boring Jewish names. We flipped a coin on who got to name the kids, heads it was me, tails it was him....and it came up tails.
  • Mugato: No black girl's names? That's where the comedy lies.


    Too many different spelling for any one to make the list.
  • No Mitt as a baby's name?
  • Coco LaFemme: No Adam in the Top 50? That's kind of surprising. My boyfriend and I are really boring, milquetoast people so if we ever have kids, they're going to have really traditional, boring Jewish names. We flipped a coin on who got to name the kids, heads it was me, tails it was him....and it came up tails.


    Him is a lovely first name. Congratulations.
  • Where the hell is Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K on this list?! THISISANOUTRAGE.JPG!
  • No Ashley, Keith, or Kevin
  • Aiden Jayden Cayden Ayden Caiden Jaiden.

    Ewwwww

    The girl names I like until you hit the Kaitlyns and Kaylees.
  • Isn't Liam a nickname for William?
  • Yep, it reads like the attendance roster in our daughter's kindergarten class.

    \ command + f + daughter's name doesn't return any results
  • Isn't Cab

    dahmers love zombie:

    13. Caleb
    You're not Irish. Why are you trying to be Irish?


    Isn't Caleb Hebrew?
  • dahmers love zombie: I've annotated the first fifty.


    You gave it your best, champ. Why don't you go rest up.
  • Boy's names end in 'n', girl's names end in 'a'
  • Godscrack: Thank goodness only white kids are being born.


    Declan would like to have a word with you.
  • Coco LaFemme: No Adam in the Top 50? That's kind of surprising. My boyfriend and I are really boring, milquetoast people so if we ever have kids, they're going to have really traditional, boring Jewish names. We flipped a coin on who got to name the kids, heads it was me, tails it was him....and it came up tails.


    Funny, you don't type Jewish.
  • Mugato: No black girl's names? That's where the comedy lies.


    Bentley? Too bad my daughters name is 35
  • A challenger appears: Declan would like to have a word with you.


    That's Irish. White as white can be.
  • More than a little surprised there's not a single Hispanic name on the list.
  • Load 25 of 187 newer comments

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