Pocket Ninja: Hello. I am relatively unknown editor for a newspaper that's on the verge of bankruptcy. And I just wanted to let you know that I've discovered, via a profound flash of insight similar to that surely experienced by Newton, in repose beneath an apple tree, at the moment when a bright and succulent fruit plunged earthward to his head and thereby instilled in him an understanding of that irresistible force we now recognize as "gravity," a means by which I can vastly increase the number of people who read my articles.

Oh, sorry. That sentence was probably too complex for most of you, whom I believe probably have the literary training of a drunk rhesus monkey. Let me enscribe it in a more user-friendly manner.

Oh, sorry. You may not be familiar with the word "enscribe." Please understand that a "scribe" is a writer, like me, and that to "enscribe" something means to "write" it.

OK, very good. So, now, to go about translating my previous sentence, in a way that you mumbling lemming-like morons would understand:

Oh, wait. I just realized that I called you all mumbling lemming-like morons. That was rather unsporting and impolite of me. I hope that you don't take offense. I only want the highest level of discourse to be generated as a result of this, and certainly don't want a pack of yowling, jackal-mannered social boors like yourselves to feel any sort of provocation coming from me.

Oh dear. There I go again. Please understand that I mean "yowling, jackal-mannered social boors" in only the most respectful, mild-mannered way. Take no offense, please.

Anyway, a translation of that sentence for you mind-numbing simpletons.

Oh, dear. There I go again. I can't seem to stop insulting you idiot sheep. You cousin-farking, mouth-breathing, troglodytes. You bottom-dwelling swamp sucking maggots.

I guess I'll explain the method I discovered for increasing my readership in a later post. I'm out of column space now. Tata.